Questions of confidence and what to do with it

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BuddingScribe
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Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by BuddingScribe »

During a short period of meditation I turned my mind to the question of confidence; something I lack and have been trying to develop when I can. Usually in trying to be more assertive in my interactions with people and not just taking what they say but more standing up for myself. Now I’ve had the thought that that isn’t confidence, it’s more arrogance? Aggression even. Confidence isn’t always about saying something or pushing back against something, it’s about feeling you can do what’s right. I’ve certainly strayed into if not wrong speech through this mindset then not quite right speech. Things to think on anyway.
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

BuddingScribe wrote: Wed Nov 09, 2022 8:39 pm During a short period of meditation I turned my mind to the question of confidence; something I lack and have been trying to develop when I can. Usually in trying to be more assertive in my interactions with people and not just taking what they say but more standing up for myself. Now I’ve had the thought that that isn’t confidence, it’s more arrogance? Aggression even. Confidence isn’t always about saying something or pushing back against something, it’s about feeling you can do what’s right. I’ve certainly strayed into if not wrong speech through this mindset then not quite right speech. Things to think on anyway.
Sometimes it’s good to speak up and sometimes it’s better not to. Knowing the difference is wisdom. Doubt or hesitation comes from wanting to protect oneself. That can be a good thing, but it is also basically a matter of self-grasping, or self attachment. You will find that the more you are willing to step out of your comfort zone, the bigger it will get.

Sometimes there is just a fear of being judged by others.
If a person is so worried about a confrontation or rejection, or some other negative bounce-back that they can never express their view or stand up for themselves anywhere, then that is too much self-guarding attachment (I’m not talking about if there is some specific person you can’t speak freely around. That’s a different story, and it’s that person’s problem. I mean if you just can’t stand up for yourself anytime).

One thing that can help, is to imagine whatever the negative feedback might be, then ask yourself the question, “okay, so, then what?” and with every answer you come up with, ask again, “okay, so then what?”

So, you might think “if I disagree with that person, they won’t like me” so then you ask yourself, “okay, so, then what?” And you might answer, “they will boss me around” so again you ask yourself “okay, so then what?” And you repeat this whole thing, maybe a dozen times down the line, thinking “so what’s the worst thing that can go wrong?”

Most of the time, if you go through this process, you will discover that there is nothing to fear. If you get knocked down, you can just get back up again. You can then build your confidence on that knowledge.

I once had a friend who was really nervous at job interviews and as a result did not come across as a capable person. So, she decided to go to a few job interviews for jobs she didn’t want, and didn’t care about being judged. It didn’t matter if she got turned down. Doing this boosted her confidence and she did much better presenting herself after that and got a job she really liked.

It’s not really a matter of being arrogant. But not getting angry, speaking politely, that will be to your benefit as well.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
BuddingScribe
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by BuddingScribe »

That’s actually not bad advice. I certainly do need to find some middle ground and not fight everything just because I feel a little uncomfortable. Food for thought.
DharmaJunior
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by DharmaJunior »

It's important to pick your battles. A lot of the time it's really not going to change anything, like being sucked into a whirlpool of unreasonableness. Something about never wrestling with a pig... (so there's also offering the victory to others, then they'll have to roll around in the mud by themselves.) :pig:

Anyway, Yes there's being out of your element, but I feel it's usually better to have mock play training environments. I mean I've done some of the real stuff before and in retrospect it's a whole world of sweating and cringeing and wondering how I made it so far.
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laic
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by laic »

Maybe a question of balance. We are all unique. We have to find our own balance. I'm a very vulnerable person. Way back I found it impossible to even say boo to a goose. When I first got on the Net I searched around and found the Tricycle "Bulletin Boards". I never knew what they were from the description but found them to be a discussion forum. I soon picked up what was going on. People with some fairly horrendous "screen names" ( :smile: ) were exchanging views, posing questions. After a couple of days the thought first popped into my head to register and offer a few views of my own. At which thought my heart began to thump in trepidation. But I plucked up the courage and registered as "Dookie" which was the name my daughter had come to call me (for reasons that remain unknown.... :smile: )

Well, I had to make my first virgin post. Seriously, my hands trembled. I noticed a discussion taking place between two worthies with profound screen names that involved the classic book "Zen Mind, Beginners Mind". It was way over my head, but I actually had the book and had found it boring. I decided to say as much and went ahead. Fearfully I logged on later, looking for the fallout. I had been totally ignored! The conversation had continued around my post as though non-existent!

But anyway, about 30 Forums and about 40,000 posts later, having been called all things between "hypocrite" and the "antichrist" (true) I have a tougher skin. And to a certain extent I say whatever I want without much fear. But, yes, I do retain a degree of vulnerability.

That is the way of it.

(As Nietzsche once said:- What doesn't destroy us makes us stronger)
Protecting oneself one protects others
Protecting others one protects oneself
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Jokingfish
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by Jokingfish »

This might sound silly, but the way i started dealing with negative psychological manifestations such as aggression or anger, or fear, shame or anything, is just to ignore it and watch breathing, get back to the body (not necessarily breathing, just into body, or nothing). Bad thought comes, i ignore it, bad emotion comes, i ignore it, and be in the body. It sort of works :D... Because when you have suffering emotionally you can have better way of spending your effort, time, like for instance deeper meditation, or some kind of work materially. Now, speaking of pondering, obviously reflection is useful, sometimes even deep over thinking reflection could be of use perhaps? But the idea is, if you don't know something which is impossible to solve in the moment , probably is better to occupy with something relevant, instead of suffering the vicious cycle of ignorance, and find real answers. (edit: instead of suffering without any direct use, diligently working on something which is wholesome).

So speaking of anger or aggression, it happens because one doesn't know how else to behave. And now speaking of confidence, i think one needs to know how to be confident in order to be so. How to be confident? Be wise, and how to do that, well, cultivate wisdom with practices. How else?

Sorry for my silly post, though maybe its of use, for others and (especially) me if someone guides it to better direction :)

Ty.
Last edited by Jokingfish on Fri Nov 11, 2022 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Jokingfish
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by Jokingfish »

I could also add about my coping skills that whenever i talk to anybody about anything, i keep peaceful like for the body. Like, being calm even if speaking something stupid. Like, grounded to my being. Not being attached to the thoughts im speaking. I know im not smart and not wise, but why worry about that in the context of conversation, i say the best i can, and not attach myself to the ideas i give, but to the bodily being, which gives peace.

Well, im working on this skill, in one word I'd call it 'not being attached to psychological viciousness and stay in bodily beingnesss'.

Edit i wonder if my idea is correct in the long run, so far its been of pretty great use.

Edit2 not being overwhelmed by psychology is good, but i wondered about confidence, this self trust, isn't that unwise? If you are someone, you are that (why need to believe in yourself when you know youre tough) , but if you're not and if you believe you are somebody great, is a way to failure.

Edit3 confidence can be useful sometimes i rethought, but knowing is better though more rare, f.e. To know one needs to find knowledge, and confidence can help, but confidence isn't one way ticket to heaven. Sometimes one needs to act quick and make serious decisions, confidence can help on that instead of becoming panicking or afraid and stop in the middle of road. Sometimes its not known, therefore needs faith. But confidence is made from knowledge. Having confidence and being able to be courageous shows that there's knowledge about seeing that sometimes one needs to act (and be confident), the better you know, the better you live.
Last edited by Jokingfish on Sat Nov 12, 2022 5:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Agent Smith
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Re: Questions of confidence and what to do with it

Post by Agent Smith »

Many confident people are (world) leaders. What makes them so (confident)? Most peeps who score low on confidence tests end up, absit iniuria, losers. How terrible!
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