Ardha wrote: ↑Wed Jun 15, 2022 1:11 am
IMO in a way this stuff has already come back to you, by limiting your ability to let go of your anger, and narrowing your view in such a way that you enjoy her suffering. I’d guess you are already experiencing results of how you approach this, and how you dig into this feeling or make peace with it will affect future actions and relationships as well.
If I let go of my anger it would be excusing everything she did to me. My relationship with her however only affected my relationship with others in that I don't treat others the way that she treated me, because I know how suffocating that could be. I found it telling when the rest of the world treated me differently than my own mother did, generally in a more kind and understanding way.
There is a difference between forgetting and forgiving. You'll never forget what she did and that's OK - it can provide you with lessons learned, boundaries, direction, etc... If you want to live a better life you do need to find a way to forgive though. You don't have to of course, but that is the path forward to a better life.
The person who hurt me the most, destroyed my life as I knew it really, and put my family (2 children) in danger of falling apart is someone I still live with and love today 7 years later. Anger, resentment, blame, etc... are easy and they hold you back from growth as a human. The easy path for me would have been to let it fall apart and blame her for it happening - no one would have disagreed with that decision. What she did was selfish and awful with no regard for our family. It took a lot of deep work over years to get to where we are now, but boy is it worth it. Not the same exact situation of course, but hope you understand where I'm coming from.
Life is supposed to be hard and we as individuals are solely responsible for how we live it. If you harbor anger, resentment, and blame you are your own worst enemy. It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to fall ill. Will never work. Like it or not, that's what you're doing here. I am not advocating that you reconcile with your Mother - that is likely a long arduous path if I'm hearing you correctly and may not be in the cards anyway if she's not willing to accept responsibility. I am advocating finding a way to forgive her for how she treated you. What she did was not intentional, it was learned behavior from her past. Being a parent is very difficult, it's a lot of pressure. Is there a chance she was going through tough times/suffering personally as well at that time? This is not to excuse her behavior, it is meant to maybe bring a wider perspective to how and why things happened so you can see that what she did was not done intentionally to personally hurt you. She was hurting and unfortunately wasn't equipped to deal with it so it spilt over to you. Damaged people damage other people unintentionally and that cycle typically continues on until someone decides to break it. You do have the power to break it.
Until you look deeper and better understand how/why things happened the way they did you'll be stuck where you're at (cycle of samsara). If you're being honest with yourself, I think you want out of this cycle.