How are you preparing for death?

A forum for discussing aspects of dying and death. Please be mindful when posting in this section.
mirrormind
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by mirrormind »

Sentient beings are dying all around us all the time. If we are lucky, we are somewhat shielded from confronting this harsh reality until later in life. But eventually the finality of losing loved ones close to one's heart will catch up with everyone. So this topic, unlike us, never gets old.

I don't think Dzongsar Khyentse's book "Living is Dying" has been mentioned yet. It should answer a lot of questions around preparing for death, one's own and that of others:
- Simple Practices to Prepare for Death
- How Buddhists Prepare for Death
- How to Be with the Dying
- What to Say to a Dying Person
- Questions About Caring for the Dying and the Dead
- What to Do After Death
- About Practices for the Dead
and much more.
You can't think your way out of samsara.
mystic_poet
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by mystic_poet »

i read bardo thödol and other holy books. alao meditate and try to help people.
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clyde
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by clyde »

How are you preparing for death?

A question that deserves an honest answer.

At 75 and in the midst of deciding if, after two surgeries, I undergo radiation treatment for a reoccurring cancer, I can say that “preparing” depends on age and circumstances.

From the time my wife and I married in our mid-30s, we saved for retirement. In our 50s, we had a Living Trust and Health Care Directives made, and in our early 60s we arranged for cremation. I guess the ‘proper’ answer is “to put one’s affairs in order.”

We’ve talked about death, even joked about it, and have accepted our eventual demise as the natural course it is. Another Zen story that I read 50 years ago in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones and has stuck with me is this:
78. Real Prosperity

A rich man asked Sengai to write something for the continued prosperity of his family so that it might be treasured from generation to generation.

Sengai obtained a large sheet of paper and wrote: "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."

The rich man became angry. "I asked you to write something for the happiness of my family! Why do you make such a joke as this?"

"No joke is intended," explained Sengai. "If before you yourself die your son should die, this would grieve you greatly. If your grandson should pass away before your son, both of you would be broken-hearted. If your family, generation after generation, passes away in the order I have named, it will be the natural course of life. I call this real prosperity."
And I’m reminded of a Dharma talk (and later essay) by Norman Fischer about his departed spiritual brother, Rabbi Lew and the ‘lesson’ Rabbi Lew learned from a death of someone he was transacting a purchase with - “When you’re dead, you can’t do anything.” (Here’s a link to the Dharma talk: https://everydayzen.org/teachings/in-me ... s-passing/ and the article Suffering Opens The Real Path)

I’m not much for ceremony, rites and rituals, or traditions, but in the Zen tradition I have composed a Death Poem, actually Death Poems as I’ve rewritten them over the years (which is also traditional). And given my current circumstances, I’m likely to rewrite it again.

So, how does one prepare for death? By letting go.
“Enlightenment means to see what harm you are involved in and to renounce it.” David Brazier, The New Buddhism

“The most straightforward advice on awakening enlightened mind is this: practice not causing harm to anyone—yourself or others—and every day, do what you can to be helpful.” Pema Chodron, “What to Do When the Going Gets Rough”
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Kim O'Hara »

clyde wrote: Fri Jan 27, 2023 1:26 am ... in the Zen tradition I have composed a Death Poem, actually Death Poems as I’ve rewritten them over the years (which is also traditional). ...
Death Poems are important in one of the series by Pattison which starts with Skull Mantra - https://www.bookdepository.com/Skull-Ma ... 0312385392 - although I can't remember which one.

It's the only time I've come across the idea in Tibetan Buddhism so I don't know whether it's legitimately part of the tradition.

:coffee:
Kim
HePo
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by HePo »

clyde wrote: Fri Jan 27, 2023 1:26 am How are you preparing for death?

A question that deserves an honest answer.

At 75 and in the midst of deciding if, after two surgeries, I undergo radiation treatment for a reoccurring cancer, I can say that “preparing” depends on age and circumstances.

From the time my wife and I married in our mid-30s, we saved for retirement. In our 50s, we had a Living Trust and Health Care Directives made, and in our early 60s we arranged for cremation. I guess the ‘proper’ answer is “to put one’s affairs in order.”

We’ve talked about death, even joked about it, and have accepted our eventual demise as the natural course it is. Another Zen story that I read 50 years ago in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones and has stuck with me is this:
78. Real Prosperity

A rich man asked Sengai to write something for the continued prosperity of his family so that it might be treasured from generation to generation.

Sengai obtained a large sheet of paper and wrote: "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."

The rich man became angry. "I asked you to write something for the happiness of my family! Why do you make such a joke as this?"

"No joke is intended," explained Sengai. "If before you yourself die your son should die, this would grieve you greatly. If your grandson should pass away before your son, both of you would be broken-hearted. If your family, generation after generation, passes away in the order I have named, it will be the natural course of life. I call this real prosperity."
And I’m reminded of a Dharma talk (and later essay) by Norman Fischer about his departed spiritual brother, Rabbi Lew and the ‘lesson’ Rabbi Lew learned from a death of someone he was transacting a purchase with - “When you’re dead, you can’t do anything.” (Here’s a link to the Dharma talk: https://everydayzen.org/teachings/in-me ... s-passing/ and the article Suffering Opens The Real Path)

I’m not much for ceremony, rites and rituals, or traditions, but in the Zen tradition I have composed a Death Poem, actually Death Poems as I’ve rewritten them over the years (which is also traditional). And given my current circumstances, I’m likely to rewrite it again.

So, how does one prepare for death? By letting go.
Perhaps of interest to you - Japanese Death Poems: Written by Zen Monks and Haiku Poets on the Verge of Death compiled by Yoel Hoffmann.
I have an older hardcover copy - about 40 pages are poems by Zen monks .
Kai lord
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Kai lord »

Knotty Veneer wrote: Mon Aug 29, 2022 8:51 am How are you preparing for death?
By attempting to master my sleep and dreams
Life is like a game, either you win or lose!
Life is like a fight, either you live or die!
Life is like a show, either you laugh or cry!
Life is like a dream, either you know or not!!!
Malcolm
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Malcolm »

Kim O'Hara wrote: Fri Jan 27, 2023 5:38 am
clyde wrote: Fri Jan 27, 2023 1:26 am ... in the Zen tradition I have composed a Death Poem, actually Death Poems as I’ve rewritten them over the years (which is also traditional). ...
Death Poems are important in one of the series by Pattison which starts with Skull Mantra - https://www.bookdepository.com/Skull-Ma ... 0312385392 - although I can't remember which one.

It's the only time I've come across the idea in Tibetan Buddhism so I don't know whether it's legitimately part of the tradition.

:coffee:
Kim
There are such things as last testaments (zhal chems), which are usually uttered in verse, so, it is quite common.
celticvoice
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by celticvoice »

I read that we can prepare by visualizing the sacred guru overhead. I read this in Padampa Sangay’s last teaching to the people of Tingri. I am wondering if there is a particular method for doing this.
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Qwertyportne
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Qwertyportne »

My preparation for death and dying became a set of questions I was compelled to answer for both practical and spiritual reasons.

Who gets everything you own when you die?
My wife.

How will your wife survive after you're dead?
Her memories, friends, investments and part-time job at Target.

How will you manage your suffering when you are dying?
My wife's bedside comfort, my tolerance to pain and morphine.

What happens to your body when you're dead?
Morgue => Cremation => Ashes => Urn => ?

Where does your mind go when your brain dies?
Into the collective consciousness? The Bardo? Poof? Who knows?

Where will you be remembered?
My website, my scrapbook, my friends, my wife's heart and mind.

How are you dealing with the fact that someday you will be dead?
I'm focused on living fully, loving well and paying attention to things that matter in the here and now. Every morning, when I wake up from the death of sleep and see my wife smiling at me, I know it's gonna be a lovely day!

How will you deal with death when you know you are dying?
Life is in the journey, not in the destination, so I'll be sad it's almost over but glad it happened, and try to let go courageously rather than rage against the dying of the light.

How are you dealing with theories about life after death?
Heaven, hell, shoal, nirvana, karmic rebirth, cosmic consciousness and other religious philosophies are answers too fixed, immutable, full of certainty and empty of evidence for me to take seriously, so I embrace uncertainty, knowing there are no absolute yes or no answers to whether or not my body and/or my mind (Self) will exist in some state beyond this life.
reiun
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by reiun »

Qwertyportne wrote: Fri Mar 17, 2023 5:54 pm My preparation for death and dying became a set of questions I was compelled to answer for both practical and spiritual reasons.

Who gets everything you own when you die?
My wife.

How will your wife survive after you're dead?
Her memories, friends, investments and part-time job at Target.

How will you manage your suffering when you are dying?
My wife's bedside comfort, my tolerance to pain and morphine.

What happens to your body when you're dead?
Morgue => Cremation => Ashes => Urn => ?

Where does your mind go when your brain dies?
Into the collective consciousness? The Bardo? Poof? Who knows?

Where will you be remembered?
My website, my scrapbook, my friends, my wife's heart and mind.

How are you dealing with the fact that someday you will be dead?
I'm focused on living fully, loving well and paying attention to things that matter in the here and now. Every morning, when I wake up from the death of sleep and see my wife smiling at me, I know it's gonna be a lovely day!

How will you deal with death when you know you are dying?
Life is in the journey, not in the destination, so I'll be sad it's almost over but glad it happened, and try to let go courageously rather than rage against the dying of the light.

How are you dealing with theories about life after death?
Heaven, hell, shoal, nirvana, karmic rebirth, cosmic consciousness and other religious philosophies are answers too fixed, immutable, full of certainty and empty of evidence for me to take seriously, so I embrace uncertainty, knowing there are no absolute yes or no answers to whether or not my body and/or my mind (Self) will exist in some state beyond this life.
Not a single thing here for this 74-yr-old to disagree with.

Only, perhaps: when you're dead, you're dead: like a trout in mud.
cjdevries
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by cjdevries »

I have studied death and dying very intently for about 9 years. I bought a book called "Deathing" by Any-Foos Graber which gives instructions on how to develop certain skills that allow one to die a more peaceful conscious death. Part of the training manual involves awareness-based exercises such sensing different areas of the body, meditating on awareness, bringing your consciousness up to the crown chakra to try to exit out the crown, breathing practices, chanting sacred syllables such as "om". The book really helped me develop a "death training" regimen and I practice it every day, 2 x a day. I have gone through many incarnations of my deathing practice. Right now I have simplified it down to this: "I feel whatever feeling is arising before the moment of death, and I perceive and feel the feeling directly and clearly. As I feel the feeling (whether it is fear, or worry, etc), by feeling it and releasing it through breath, it loses some of its hold and momentum, allowing the time of death to potentially be more peaceful. After I release the feeling through breath, I flood my body with consciousness and bring awareness to various parts of my body - I focus on being in the body. Reggie Ray's book "Touching Enlightenment" helped me with this, as did Eckhart Tolle's body meditation CD. Eckhart's CD taught me to say "I am the awareness that is aware of the feeling"; by resting in beingness/awareness/presence when we are pulled by desires, I believe we eventually learn to abide there consistently - in that state of beingness/presence. Whenever we feel a desire or feeling, we observe it, but we stay connected to presence and we abide there. Devotional practices are also a part of my deathing practice.

In the past, my deathing practice included meditative hand movements as a way to transmute and channel the feelings that arose at the time of death. I encourage anyone whose death practice/preparation doesn't use feelings to consider how to release the feelings around death. This could be a window into deepening one's state's of inner tranquility and letting go. Healing the long-held emotional holdings in the body/mind/spirit will only benefit us. Thanks for the discussion on this topic.
"Please call me by my true names so I can wake up; so the door of my heart can be left open: the door of compassion." -Thich Nhat Hanh

"Ask: what's needed of you" -Akong Rinpoche

"Love never claims, it ever gives. Love ever suffers, never resents, never revenges itself." -Gandhi
pemachophel
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by pemachophel »

IME, if one is a Vajrayana Buddhist, one should:

1. Receive and practice phowa/transference of consciousness until signs of accomplishment appear

2. At least receive the Zhi-thro empowerment and, if possible do some Zhi-thro practice

3. If one has received Dzogchen empowerment, one should also receive the oral transmission of the Bardo Thodrol/Liberation by Hearing and familiariZe oneself with the text, especially the prayers for death and dying

4. If possible receive and practice:

Dream yoga
Clear light yoga
Threk-chod
And/or thogal

Then you should be more than good to go.
Pema Chophel པདྨ་ཆོས་འཕེལ
Miorita
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Miorita »

pemachophel wrote: Fri Aug 04, 2023 3:45 pm IME, if one is a Vajrayana Buddhist, one should:

1. Receive and practice phowa/transference of consciousness until signs of accomplishment appear

2. At least receive the Zhi-thro empowerment and, if possible do some Zhi-thro practice

3. If one has received Dzogchen empowerment, one should also receive the oral transmission of the Bardo Thodrol/Liberation by Hearing and familiariZe oneself with the text, especially the prayers for death and dying

4. If possible receive and practice:

Dream yoga
Clear light yoga
Threk-chod
And/or thogal

Then you should be more than good to go.
You summarized this pretty good.
I thought life was a gift and to be lived now. Apparently it is not so.
Thanks for clarification!
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

Miorita wrote: Sun Aug 06, 2023 2:16 am
pemachophel wrote: Fri Aug 04, 2023 3:45 pm IME, if one is a Vajrayana Buddhist, one should:

1. Receive and practice phowa/transference of consciousness until signs of accomplishment appear

2. At least receive the Zhi-thro empowerment and, if possible do some Zhi-thro practice

3. If one has received Dzogchen empowerment, one should also receive the oral transmission of the Bardo Thodrol/Liberation by Hearing and familiariZe oneself with the text, especially the prayers for death and dying

4. If possible receive and practice:

Dream yoga
Clear light yoga
Threk-chod
And/or thogal

Then you should be more than good to go.
You summarized this pretty good.
I thought life was a gift and to be lived now. Apparently it is not so.
Thanks for clarification!
Without this human life
you don’t have the opportunity
to practice or receive anything.

But if one thinks that the only function of life is to prepare for death, then ironically, they are still motivated by attachment.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
Brunelleschi
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Brunelleschi »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sun Aug 06, 2023 1:12 pmBut if one thinks that the only function of life is to prepare for death, then ironically, they are still motivated by attachment.
How so? This statement is very broad so it is difficult to ascertain what you mean. Why is [this action] motivated by attachment? And what is the other function of life that you are implying?

I recall the story about Dromtönpa:
In previous times, Dromtönpa, Atisha’s close disciple and translator, saw an old man walking around the temple at Reting monastery. The old man thought he was practicing Dharma. So Dromtönpa said, “Circumambulating the temple is good, but isn’t it better to practice Dharma.” After hearing this, the old man gave up going around the temple and started reading the scriptures, thinking that was what practicing Dharma meant. Again Dromtönpa met him and, seeing the old man reading scriptures, mentioned, “Reading the scriptures is good, but isn’t it better to practice Dharma?” So, at that the old man gave up reading Dharma texts, and thinking maybe meditation was practicing Dharma, he sat down cross-legged and closed his eyes to meditate. As he was sitting like that, again the Dromtönpa came to him and said, “Sir, your meditating is good, but wouldn’t it be better to practice Dharma?”

The old man was confused. He couldn’t think of any other way to practice Dharma if it wasn’t circumambulating or reading scriptures or meditating, and so he asked Dromtönpa, “What do you mean by practicing Dharma?” Then Dromtönpa answered, “Renounce this life. Renounce it now, for if you do not renounce attachment to this life, whatever you do will not be the practice of Dharma, as you have not passed beyond the eight worldly concerns. Once you have renounced this life’s habitual thoughts and are no longer distracted by the eight worldly dharmas, whatever you do will advance you on the path of liberation.”

Dromtönpa advised the old man to renounce this life because without renouncing this life nobody can practice pure Dharma. With renunciation, however, there is pure Dharma practice, which brings happiness in this life and in all future lives.
Miorita
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Miorita »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sun Aug 06, 2023 1:12 pm
Miorita wrote: Sun Aug 06, 2023 2:16 am
pemachophel wrote: Fri Aug 04, 2023 3:45 pm IME, if one is a Vajrayana Buddhist, one should:

1. Receive and practice phowa/transference of consciousness until signs of accomplishment appear

2. At least receive the Zhi-thro empowerment and, if possible do some Zhi-thro practice

3. If one has received Dzogchen empowerment, one should also receive the oral transmission of the Bardo Thodrol/Liberation by Hearing and familiariZe oneself with the text, especially the prayers for death and dying

4. If possible receive and practice:

Dream yoga
Clear light yoga
Threk-chod
And/or thogal

Then you should be more than good to go.
You summarized this pretty good.
I thought life was a gift and to be lived now. Apparently it is not so.
Thanks for clarification!
Without this human life
you don’t have the opportunity
to practice or receive anything.

But if one thinks that the only function of life is to prepare for death, then ironically, they are still motivated by attachment.
Indeedy! Attachment to taking a body. And having a life. Why, why, why?



Are you watching the same movies in the Akasha? Or is it just me? :P
Natan
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Natan »

Knotty Veneer wrote: Mon Aug 29, 2022 8:51 am After a series of deaths of loved ones and with retirement age now approaching within a few years, my mind turns towards using the time I have left to prepare for the inevitable.

I wonder what others are doing to meet their end?
What I like about Buddhadharma teaching on death is that it's a māra, as in an obstacle to be defeated by advancing on the path.
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Kim O'Hara »

Re-posting this from the Creative Writing forum, because it makes a good contribution to this topic.
narhwal90 wrote: Mon Aug 28, 2023 2:27 am On a day it feels right, throw my ashes off the western dock. Rain or shine, I have no preference; windswept foam is as well as sunlight glinting off the ripples into a cloudless sky.

I am there on the water in the wind and rain with lightning lashing the ridges, and in the fog so deep I read the rocks for direction. Quartering the swell to make the island's lee was as good as watching an uninterrupted wake extend across the smooth water. Night runs steering by the silhouettes of trees and hard docking in the teeth of the broadside wind is just part of the job.

So for me, this is home.

Perhaps its hard for some; saying goodbye. It probably was for me also. But for those here, please allow the lament to run its course, neither hurried nor prolonged. Now I am with them all who passed before. Like a raindrop into the ocean, I am never really gone.

If bereaved and sleepless, when you near the metallic thunk of the docked boats stirring in the current, remember I will be there at dawn with the sponge, bail and fuel to prepare them for the day.

For a while, if it helps, think of me when the mist rising off the water makes a palace of the morning, or when the loons swim by with the chicks on their backs. I will be there with you in those brief & private moments.

Later, when the west wind brings the impassible waves, share some coffee and watch the pines heave to and fro.

Finally, at the long days end, I'll make the landing run again to meet you- its never too late for that trip. I'll bring the fast boat this time and we'll both feel the spring wind and the spray on the way out.

Postscript;
"`Nice? It's the ONLY thing,' said the Water Rat solemnly, as he leant forward for his stroke. `Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing- absolutely nothing- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.'"
:namaste:
Kim
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Nemo
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Nemo »

Ones internal choices aside I have often wished people would be more compassionate to those they leave behind.
1. Get rid of all your hoarder junk. No one else thinks it still valuable. Not for 25 years.The only people who agree with you will also be dead soon. Get rid of it.
2. Write or update your Will.
3. Have a written plan for all your Dharma stuff. It shouldn't end up at the Salvation Army.
4. Simplify your home and possessions.
Knotty Veneer
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Re: How are you preparing for death?

Post by Knotty Veneer »

Nemo wrote: Mon Aug 28, 2023 1:53 pm Ones internal choices aside I have often wished people would be more compassionate to those they leave behind.
1. Get rid of all your hoarder junk. No one else thinks it still valuable. Not for 25 years.The only people who agree with you will also be dead soon. Get rid of it.
2. Write or update your Will.
3. Have a written plan for all your Dharma stuff. It shouldn't end up at the Salvation Army.
4. Simplify your home and possessions.
Agree 100%. The Swedes have a word for what you suggest döstädning - literally 'death cleaning'.

My late wife was a bit of a packrat. Two years after her death I am still throwing away every week a full trash can of stuff she acquired and for which I will never have any use.

I'm going to make sure that does not happen when I go.
This is not the wrong life.
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