Is it a grave sin or bad karma to severe ties to your parents?

[rodolfosancheznusa36]

I'm talking about parents who are emotionally abusive. Parents who are cruel and intentionally ruining their (adult) kid's life and reputation. Or parents that are verbally and emotionally violent/rage.

Will I face retribution? Would love to know. Thank you.

[Johnny Dangerous]

No. The Mahayana answer would be to forgive if you can, but to cut off the relationship if you can’t, if it disturbs your practice or has the effect of inflaming your own afflictions.

Basically, if you’d be worse off by maintaining a relationship, they probably would be too.

[Sādhaka]

Agreed^, with J.D.

And it wouldn’t be one of the five inexpiable crimes.

However Chögyal Namkhai Norbu said that he thought it was strange how a big percentage of westerners are often annoyed with their parents, and I see where he is coming from on that.

On the other hand, many of our parents have treated us like crap, and didn’t teach us much that would be useful for flourishing in regard to Body, Speech, and Mind. Partly not their fault, as they were simply ignorant. Also, since the Industrial Revolution, and the development of contemporary western “liberal” values, the family structure & dynamic is now much different than traditional Indian and Asian cultures.

[PadmaVonSamba]

Will I face retribution? Would love to know. Thank you.

There’s no ‘retribution’. Where would it come from?

People are not perfect, and that includes parents.
Part of being imperfect is that people do screwed up things, ultimately due to confusion and suffering. So, as a Mahayana practitioner wishes that all beings should be free from suffering, this should also include anyone who is abusive or otherwise screwed up. The worse that people are, the more we should wish for them to be otherwise, and this is done by generating compassion towards them. That doesn’t mean you have to like them or be around them. Generating compassion for those who hurt us can actually have a healing effect on us.

If you think about an injured animal who is in pain, such as a dog who has been struck by a car, it will snarl and try to bite anyone who tries to be nice to them or help them. But usually we feel sorry for them and understand the reason why they act that way. But it’s okay to keep your distance from a biting dog, and it’s likewise okay with parents.

People who are not suffering
are not abusive towards others.

[Soma999]

This is not a simple question, there is no definite answer as each situation is different. Sometime there are tensions, misunderstanding that will pacify with time.

Also, most of the time, parents just do the best they can and before being a mother or a father, there is a human being with a story, and sometime a complex story. It is not good, from my point if view, to leave someone at the first difficulty.

That being said, there are cases when putting some distance is the right thing to do.

[Konchog Thogme Jampa]

It's best to put the effort in to work things out with family

Hence the phrase Blood is thicker than water

All Families have their problems more or less and it takes work usually to keep harmony

[Archie2009]

I'm talking about parents who are emotionally abusive. Parents who are cruel and intentionally ruining their (adult) kid's life and reputation. Or parents that are verbally and emotionally violent/rage.

Will I face retribution? Would love to know. Thank you.

Don't be anybody's doormat. Including family. Sadly, change is hard and what are the odds they'll change? Protecting yourself by limiting exposure to such abuse from family seems reasonable.

[rodolfosancheznusa36]

Thank you for all the answers! They're all good and helpful.

Namu Amida Butsu

[Johnny Dangerous]

I’ve often found this advice from Patrul Rinpoche really useful for making these kinds of decisions…but my own failings have meant I don’t always follow it:

https://www.lotsawahouse.org/tibetan-ma ... iderations

[Dorje Shedrub]

You have to protect yourself. My parents were abusive to me and after years of trying to mend relations I decided they were to wrapped up in themselves and their beliefs to even acknowledge problems, let alone attempt to resolve them. Mother is gone now. Sometimes I regret no trying longer, but she was not at all receptive. I no longer have any contact with my aged father, though I have offered to do things for him, he declined.

We can't make people see the reality of their actions; they have to come to that understanding on their own. We can offer an olive branch, but it takes both sides to make peace.

Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself.

[pemachophel]

Whether one attempts to repair relations with parents or not, one can always pray for them, make offerings for them, go on pilgrimage for them, and dedicate merit for them.

The Akshobya Dharani is really excellent for purifying one's own and others' bad karma. As a for instance, say 100.000 for one or both parents.

Zang Chod Monlam (Aspiration for Excellent Conduct) is excellent for generating huge accumulations of merit which can be dedicated to one's parents. As a for instance, recite this monlam for a month for one or both parents.

Go on pilgrimage to the four or eight great sites of Mahayana Buddhism and dedicate all that merit to one or both parents.

Doesn't matter whether our parents are living or dead, near or far, estranged or not. In fact, these are all practices we all should do to help repair our karmic debt to our parents. You can read in various namthars how many great practitioners have done just this.

Good luck & best wishes on this most auspicious day, Chogtrul Duchen.

[Konchog Thogme Jampa]

Whether one attempts to repair relations with parents or not, one can always pray for them, make offerings for them, go on pilgrimage for them, and dedicate merit for them.

The Akshobya Dharani is really excellent for purifying one's own and others' bad karma. As a for instance, say 100.000 for one or both parents.

Zang Chod Monlam (Aspiration for Excellent Conduct) is excellent for generating huge accumulations of merit which can be dedicated to one's parents. As a for instance, recite this monlam for a month for one or both parents.

Go on pilgrimage to the four or eight great sites of Mahayana Buddhism and dedicate all that merit to one or both parents.

Doesn't matter whether our parents are living or dead, near or far, estranged or not. In fact, these are all practices we all should do to help repair our karmic debt to our parents. You can read in various namthars how many great practitioners have done just this.

Good luck & best wishes on this most auspicious day, Chogtrul Duchen.

[rodolfosancheznusa36]

Whether one attempts to repair relations with parents or not, one can always pray for them, make offerings for them, go on pilgrimage for them, and dedicate merit for them.

The Akshobya Dharani is really excellent for purifying one's own and others' bad karma. As a for instance, say 100.000 for one or both parents.

Zang Chod Monlam (Aspiration for Excellent Conduct) is excellent for generating huge accumulations of merit which can be dedicated to one's parents. As a for instance, recite this monlam for a month for one or both parents.

Go on pilgrimage to the four or eight great sites of Mahayana Buddhism and dedicate all that merit to one or both parents.

Doesn't matter whether our parents are living or dead, near or far, estranged or not. In fact, these are all practices we all should do to help repair our karmic debt to our parents. You can read in various namthars how many great practitioners have done just this.

Good luck & best wishes on this most auspicious day, Chogtrul Duchen.

Thank you.

Namu Amida Butsu