Betrayed

A forum for discussion of Buddhist ethics.
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SkyFox
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Betrayed

Post by SkyFox »

Hey guys. I was really hesitating to post this here, but I can't think of anywhere else more appropriate, and I need to get this off my chest.

My mother has a niece that had taken care of me when I was a child. However, we eventually parted ways with her returning to Vietnam and Us going to Canada. After many years, we met again after I vacationed in Vietnam. Everything seemed perfect. She was so nice and treated me so well. So when she wanted her son to come here to study, we offered him a place to stay - rent free for two years. Eventually, she would also head over in order to work and reunite with her son. This is where things got really messy.

At my house, we treated her very well. she did not have to pay a dime for anything-food and shelter included. I would take her out to eat and order food for her all the time. Later on ,however, my mom noticed how she was getting a bit too close to mom's boyfriend for comfort. It was getting her pissed off. By then, I had moved out and was mad at my mom, so I refused to take her seriously. Eventually this niece also moved out.

After patching things up with my mom recently, she had told me how manipulative this person was. That she was talking behind all our backs and playing us against each other. She was also trying to get mom's boyfriend to break up with mom, and I believe it because there are things that happened that my mom would have no way of knowing. For example, there were multiple times where I refused to buy water bottles for myself, yet treated her to a full meal. And many times when we went grocery shopping, I would only look for sale items. She pretty much told my mom's boyfriend that I was a " dumb ass that is too cheap to buy water bottles and could only afford sale items." Yet behind his back, she talked crap about his whole family, which my mother recorded.

She pretty much told all our relatives about what has been happening in our family and about my struggles with mental health. I feel so crushed,yet I can't bring myself to hate her. I still get flashbacks of her face, the softness and kindness on it. How is this even possible? This person has been treated like shit from her own mom. Beaten like a dog since she was a child ( in Vietnam) and kicked out multiple times at a young age. How can she repay us like this? Is poverty and abuse the reason she is so warped? Her sister called in from Vietnam to tell my mother that she isn't surprise because this niece was always instigating fights between her and her husband. I've chosen to forgive her, but I just don't understand why. This is probably the last time I will give such trust to anybody.

Something particular to mention about this person is that she is always cursing when talking about other people. There is always rage from within. My mom told me that she is just rough on outside but good on the inside. I should have known better from my studies and Buddhism that anger is a reflection or a projection of an unstable mind; you can't have a foul outer world with a beautiful inner world.
Last edited by SkyFox on Wed Nov 16, 2022 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Zhen Li
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Re: Betrayed

Post by Zhen Li »

From what you write, I think you understand this person very well, as well as why she is the way she is.

Shantideva's Bodhicaryāvatāra, chapter 8, has some good advice regarding trusting "friends."

In general, I don't trust anyone until I know them well enough and see that their actions are motivated by bodhicitta. Until then, smile and be outwardly warm, but do not put your hope and trust in them.
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Konchog Thogme Jampa
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Re: Betrayed

Post by Konchog Thogme Jampa »

This is probably the last time I will give such trust to anybody.
You'll be fine the dharma itself will help you recover allow yourself time and space to recover with some good practice.

By the looks of things she has a difficult past it tends to go like this when you give someone with a difficult past lots of help.

Also don't forget she has afflictive emotions and various patterns.

Hope you overcome this :consoling:
4. From each and every dear companion we will part.
We will leave possessions for which we've strived so hard.
The body's guest house the guest, consciousness, will lose.
To renounce this life is what bodhisattvas do.

Om Mani Padme Hum

Some Classical Music I wrote:
https://geometriq.bandcamp.com/track/ ... ite-part-1

དཀོན་མཆོག་ཐོགས་མེད་འབྱམས་པ

Konchog Thogme Jampa
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SkyFox
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Re: Betrayed

Post by SkyFox »

Thanks a lot guys. I knew posting here was the right thing to do. The crappy thing is that logic can't always overcome emotions. You know that pit in the stomach you get when you anticipate something bad happening like when your dog is about to be put down, for example. I just can't seem to rid myself of it. That person was family to me. I even defended her against my mom and everyone around. I guess I was in denial because she was sort of like a pillar of support for me. No wonder she didn't bother calling once when she left. I thought she was busy.
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SkyFox
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Re: Betrayed

Post by SkyFox »

Zhen Li wrote: Wed Nov 16, 2022 4:12 pm From what you write, I think you understand this person very well, as well as why she is the way she is.

Shantideva's Bodhicaryāvatāra, chapter 8, has some good advice regarding trusting "friends."

In general, I don't trust anyone until I know them well enough and see that their actions are motivated by bodhicitta. Until then, smile and be outwardly warm, but do not put your hope and trust in them.
I just read this now. Thanks a lot Zhen; everything is so true....
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