Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Discuss the application of the Dharma to situations of social, political, environmental and economic suffering and injustice.
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Crystalshine
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Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Crystalshine »

Hello
I am in an abusive relationship and preparing to leave, how ever I am empathetic & compassionate & try to practice bhuddism , I believe at times this makes me feel sorry for husband and give him more chances.

How would you suggest get the balance between loving and cherishing others & looking after ourselves also especially in this instance.
I know his father beat him resulting in his behaviour to me but he wont get help.

I hope this is alright to post in this section I feel quite lost right now , thank you
Shinjin
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Shinjin »

Buddhism doesn't teach that it is okay to be a victim of violence. Don't feel guilty.
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Zhen Li
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Zhen Li »

Compassion for yourself is also important in these situations.

Nothing is worse than the feeling of a toxic home and the feeling of dread when that person comes in the door—that's not how we should feel with a spouse. If he is at fault, he is not going to take the initiative to set you free and leave, you have to leave yourself.

As regards compassion for him, I really think you have the right perspective here. You understand his situation, you know what caused his position. That's his karma to deal with, you cannot change it for him, and having someone to abuse is going to just give him conditions to create more bad karma for himself in the future (in both this life and the next).

So, in regard to leaving, based on what you wrote, it seems that he is attached to you and will suffer by having you leave him. Two thoughts on this: on the one hand, it could be that he is attached to having someone to take his issues out on, rather than sorting them out for himself. On the other hand, while he may undergo pain from separation, he will save himself from further pain down the line by not having someone in the house to abuse and create more bad karma for himself. So, in either case, leaving him sounds like the most compassionate option.

It can feel almost impossible to make these choices in life. Especially when your lives have become codependent. But I think you can have love for him by being separate.

There are a lot of details that can change the picture of what course of action to take. Length of marriage, whether you have children (I gather you don't since you didn't mention any), what kind of property and assets are shared, and the requirements for divorce in your country. But if the abuse is serious you should get out first and sort out the details later.

If it is more verbal and not violent, you should let him know your plans first, and see how he reacts—but stick to your word, if you say you will leave if he abuses you, then leave. If he finally stops after you threaten to leave, then things might get better—but based on what you write, it seems like that isn't happening.
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Crystalshine
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Crystalshine »

Thank you so much or your replies it really helps, I have been advised to leave without saying in case he attacks me , but this is the worse guilt.I would be devastated if someone did that to me after all our years together but I’m too scared to speak to him and have been advised not to by domestic abuse organisation but the guilt is just awful.
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justsit
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by justsit »

Crystalshine wrote: Sat Apr 16, 2022 4:35 pm Thank you so much or your replies it really helps, I have been advised to leave without saying in case he attacks me , but this is the worse guilt.I would be devastated if someone did that to me after all our years together but I’m too scared to speak to him and have been advised not to by domestic abuse organisation but the guilt is just awful.
You didn't to anything wrong. He is the abuser; actions have consequences, and you leaving is the consequence he will now experience. There is no guilt on your part, although he will probably blame you anyway. That's how abuse works. Try to listen to what the abuse group is telling you, and be sure to take care of you.
Crystalshine
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Crystalshine »

Thank you so much that helps
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Zhen Li
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Zhen Li »

Yes, if he is violent, then just leave.

That's already a violation of any marriage vows. In my opinion, if someone does that then they essentially have voided the validity of your marriage. Consider yourself free to go. That is the best thing for both you and him.
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KristenM
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by KristenM »

When a person is getting ready to leave a domestic abuser is the most dangerous time because the abuser fears they are losing control. Probably best not to tell him and give him an idea of your plans. Have your identification, etc ready to go. Guilt is how abusers manipulate their victims. His childhood is no excuse for his behavior. Loving kindness takes many forms including breaking off a bad relationship. Good luck.
Crystalshine
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Crystalshine »

Thank you for all your advice it helps so much
riley
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by riley »

I hope you are in a wonderful place in your life and feel relief from this situation. If you're comfortable doing so, I would really love to hear an update. Much metta to you. :group:
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: Guilt leaving a bad relationship

Post by Kim O'Hara »

The OP has not posted on the forum since July.

The topic has therefore been locked but it will be re-opened at the OP's request.

:namaste:
Kim
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