Hello everyone

Introduce yourself to others at Dharma Wheel.
Post Reply
Mdg137
Posts: 46
Joined: Tue May 10, 2022 1:32 am

Hello everyone

Post by Mdg137 »

Because its the internet, I'll just refer to myself by my username.

Hi, I'm Mdg137, and I am new to Buddhism.

I have been exploring Buddhism for about 8-ish months. I initially got into Buddhism looking for answers about death and dying. In the wake of my mother's passing last year, I became highly fearful of death in general, and I was looking for a tradition which a) does not try to comfort me or protect my feelings about death while also b) provides a framework for dying which does not scare me. I am coming from a tradition of scientific atheism. In this framework, matter is given the status of what is ultimately real, all else being illusory or at least, derived from it. Consciousness in this view is just basically the result of nature building a computer complex enough to look at itself. The problem with that (for me at least) was that when you die, there is nothing, and this terrified me. It terrified me to think that this story just ends like that. Sometimes, it still does, but I am better about it now. But from the perspective of my mother, from this view, at this point in time, she feels no pain. Therefore, I do not have to worry about her suffering. In addition, my father and I were there at the time of her passing to help usher her gently into death, so I like to believe that while death is never totally comfortable for sentient beings, we made her passing as comfortable as we could with the resources we had. I miss her, but I did not fear for her. In fact, I suppose I have more fear for her now than I did previously, given the nature of Buddhist rebirth and the 6 realms of existence.

Buddhism provided the tall order I was looking for. Yes, the provisional self still dies. At the moment of death, I will no longer be "Mdg137". I will forget my provisional name, and all the things I cling to while I am alive will be taken from me because the provisional self will cease to exist. However, because of my clinging to things in this life, I have planted karmic seeds which are bound to fruit in the future, creating a new conscious experience later on, complete with provisional self, 6 senses, 5 aggregates, the whole shebang. In other words, if you were to ask me what I think happens after death, I would say "I won't wake up, but someone else will." However, I should note that I accept this idea of rebirth on faith, which is in turn based on the logic that the Buddha is right about pretty much everything else (4 Noble Truths, Noble Eightfold Path, meditative concentration leading to clarity and insight, the Threefold Practice, etc.), so I trust him when he describes rebirth. I don't KNOW it for certain, because I haven't died and I haven't gotten to the point where I can see past lives. But I trust the Buddha.

The reason I came to Buddhism was because of philosophical presentism, the idea that the present is really what ultimately exists, and dwelling on the future or past too much is akin to dreaming. When I was in my anxiety about death, I learned how to focus on the present moment as a refuge from that fear. This allowed me to have some clarity about the nature of death, and therefore also the nature of life. What I learned was impermanence. If I die, and my experience ceases, then at least from my point of view, everything around me is transient. Suddenly, material things don't really matter. They are all on loan anyway. Any money I make for example is worthless, because at the end of it all, it isn't like I can take it with me. This falls in line with the idea that I-making and my-making leads to suffering, and that holding a definitive view of a self which is everchanging and finite in time will inevitably lead to suffering. I call this realization a "nugget" of the full realization of impermanence, because I only understood it on the scale of a lifetime. However, it is true that actually, all things are changing all the time, even if it is very slow in time. Any permanence at all, even for a second, is perceived by the mind and not ultimately real or true.

So, I started trying to cut attachments, practicing, and exploring the Dharma. My progress is...well I can't call it much but I've definitely become a calmer, more rational person as a result of the Buddha's Teachings. Severing attachments is very difficult for me, because for a long time I lived my life based solely on them. But, the Buddhist teachings on compassion have helped me greatly. One of the principal problems of my life is being unable to help those around me. During the pandemic, this is what happened with my mother, eventually leading to her death. The Buddha, however, being knowledgeable about the suffering of all sentient beings, is able to help them according to their needs perfectly, and is able to teach the Dharma so well, that he can enlighten them with just his words. I don't know if it is a self-centered hero complex stemming from my experiences with mom, or the genuine awakening to Bodhi, and in fact it is probably a bit of both, but I want to be able to do that. But even if my motivations change, I believe my path will stay the same. This is because while faith is a significant part of my practice, the reason I am a Buddhist practitioner is because Buddhism works, at least for me. I can't ask much more from a spiritual tradition.

I should clarify: I am a Buddhist practitioner. I have not formally taken refuge in a ceremony, nor have I performed such a ceremony on my own. I do recite the 3 refuges in my practice, and the five precepts, but I see this as affirming my short term commitment until a more formal ceremony can be done in the presence of an experienced figure, be that a monastic or, in the case of Japanese Pure Land which I am interested in, a reverend. At this point, I am sort of trying out many different types of Buddhism to see what suits me. I tried Chan for a bit, but then became enamored with Pure Land, started reciting the vow to be reborn there and chanting the name, but I felt that I needed to try the meditative traditions again first so I took a step back from that vow for awhile, but I don't know, something just keeps bringing me back to Amitabha. I am admittedly, indecisive. Part of why I am here is to ask questions to help clear things up, and there are clearly many knowledgeable people in this forum, so I am glad to be here.
User avatar
PadmaVonSamba
Posts: 9439
Joined: Sat May 14, 2011 1:41 am

Re: Hello everyone

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

Greetings. It sounds as though you have a good foundation for practice. Having questions about life and death was also what motivated Prince Siddhartha. I find it interesting that you have started from a scientific-atheist position, not looking for something to comfort you, yet you are drawn to the Pure Land tradition (which seems to me, anyway, to be the one which offers the most “comfort” and which, to many, seems like the ‘least atheistic’ Buddhist path). It sounds like your mother’s passing had a very big effect on you. Best wishes! I hope you find this forum useful and enjoyable.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
Mdg137
Posts: 46
Joined: Tue May 10, 2022 1:32 am

Re: Hello everyone

Post by Mdg137 »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 11:08 am Greetings. It sounds as though you have a good foundation for practice. Having questions about life and death was also what motivated Prince Siddhartha. I find it interesting that you have started from a scientific-atheist position, not looking for something to comfort you, yet you are drawn to the Pure Land tradition (which seems to me, anyway, to be the one which offers the most “comfort” and which, to many, seems like the ‘least atheistic’ Buddhist path). It sounds like your mother’s passing had a very big effect on you. Best wishes! I hope you find this forum useful and enjoyable.
Thank you for your welcome. It did make me happy to see some of my experience reflected in Sakyamuni Buddha's beginnings when I started down this path. Actually, in reading about the Japanese Pure Land Masters Shinran and Honen, both entered the monastery after the death of someone close to them. It is great to see that I can relate to the prominent figures in this tradition, because it is affirming that I am on the right path. Figuring out which specific school I want to delve into is a different story. I would say, with regard to Pure Land, I am attracted to its non-atheist characteristics, almost as a reaction to being in atheist circles for so long. I have always felt spiritual connections, but I never explored them until now, at least not really. In the same vein, maybe I am drawn to this tradition for its comfort, though I did not consciously choose it for that reason. But it would make sense. One thing I have learned is that the intellectual mind is all well and good, and intellectual understanding can be useful, but far more important is non-intellectual understanding in my opinion as most of my more profound moments stem from a non-intellectual place. Furthermore, the mind which is not-intellectual, which processes deep emotions and desires, often is a driver of the conscious mind in ways that are unpredictable. So while my intent on the surface is "no comfort! Give me the real deal!", I probably still have desires underneath to feel comfortable. My initial foray into Pure Land happened because I found that the basic practice of name recitation was effective in purifying my wandering thoughts. So, I figured that there must be something there for me to explore. I also encountered Pure Land as a westerner, which initially made me balk a little bit, because I have very westernized preconceived notions about what Buddhism looks like, and this tradition was not that. But as I explored, I realized both that I was clearly in the wrong for those notions, and that my motivations in studying the more meditation centered schools were a bit ego-driven. I looked at the goal of Buddha-hood and I thought "yeah I can do that, just like that, yeah, this life, I'll just meditate, become a monk, get enlightened, save all sentient beings, good plan!" And when I realized that I knew that I actually HAD to explore this to understand humility and renounce my self-centered view. However, I fully acknowledge that it is entirely possible that at some point, I will change practices, I cannot predict the future here :lol: .
User avatar
DNS
Site Admin
Posts: 5266
Joined: Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:23 pm
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada, Estados Unidos de América
Contact:

Re: Hello everyone

Post by DNS »

Welcome to DW!

Post Reply

Return to “Introductions”