How to help someone who is suffering?

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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yinyangkoi
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How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by yinyangkoi »

Someone tells me they are suffering and I clearly see the reason why, I tell them why but they don't understand. Then I tell them to meditate in order to understand and suffer less. But they don't want to do it? What should I do? Give up? I really wish I could just deliver the perfect story everytime that immediately cures them, but I can't
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Konchog Thogme Jampa
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Konchog Thogme Jampa »

Tonglen
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by master of puppets »

keep telling him regularly.

or teach him simply that he should teach himself.

and be a lamp to himself. as everyone else.

he will turn and understand.
Soma999
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Soma999 »

Being listened, being understood, being loved is a great relief.

You don’t have to change people. You can be with them and share your best.

When they want information, and if they are open to it, you can share.

People suffering always hear advises « you should do this, do that, this technique… » sometime it is helpful, but it can also be quiet heavy to hear that all the time.

If you are happy, people will ask you by themselves what you are doing and how they can be happy too.
muni
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by muni »

We are always quick to give an advice, I do that same mistake. It is like we feel we are obliged to say something, while we forget to listen. Just be there and listen, give some attention can bring relief, some warm support. Then talk, to come to know how we perhaps 'could' help. To avoid serving complex doctrines which are strange to them.
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Ayu
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Ayu »

Often people do not need advice but just someone who listens. This helps them (everybody) to steam off, get calm and then possibly find a solution by themselves.

Quickly offered solutions just block this process.
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Inedible
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Inedible »

Compassion is wanting to help. Bodhichitta is wanting to become a Buddha so you will have the resources. You've already done your part.
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Queequeg
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Queequeg »

Be a friend.
There is no suffering to be severed. Ignorance and klesas are indivisible from bodhi. There is no cause of suffering to be abandoned. Since extremes and the false are the Middle and genuine, there is no path to be practiced. Samsara is nirvana. No severance achieved. No suffering nor its cause. No path, no end. There is no transcendent realm; there is only the one true aspect. There is nothing separate from the true aspect.
-Guanding, Perfect and Sudden Contemplation,
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SkyFox
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by SkyFox »

You can't change people, only yourself. Many times, from an outsiders perspective, the solution seems obvious but not so for the person inside. When one is willing and wants to learn, that knowledge will come to them naturally.

I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. The person is full of negativity and refuses to hear/see anything other than what they want to, so I gave up. Their negativity is dragging me down,too.
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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

yinyangkoi wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2022 8:38 pm Someone tells me they are suffering and I clearly see the reason why, I tell them why but they don't understand. Then I tell them to meditate in order to understand and suffer less. But they don't want to do it? What should I do? Give up? I really wish I could just deliver the perfect story everytime that immediately cures them, but I can't
Don’t bother trying to convince a non-Buddhist to meditate, it’s pointless and patronizing.

If you really want to help other people with their thoughts and feelings there are a lot of modern Buddhist-compatible and Buddhist-derived methods made for people who won’t meditate, but they require some time investment and training.

Unless we decide we want it to be a career to help others with their minds in some way (in which case our help is usually solicited) it’s actually overstepping our bounds to tell people how to fix their problems. They are more familiar with their minds than we are, so the best thing is just to listen and to offer help IMO.

Somas words make sense in my experience, usually people in bad situations hear advice and “shoulds” constantly, make them attuned to constant low level criticism, one of the best things is just to listen and really empathize, in many cases that simple act is very healing for people.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared

-Khunu Lama
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

SkyFox wrote: Wed May 04, 2022 4:07 pm I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. The person is full of negativity and refuses to hear/see anything other than what they want to, so I gave up. Their negativity is dragging me down,too.
This is my situation as well.
The situation is painful. Really.
It’s like watching someone burn from the inside.
But these folks aren’t really seeking interaction anyway, but rather, validation. They want someone to listen while they get things all sorted out in their own minds.
So, I always, simply, mentally, recite a mantra when they talk to me, I focus on that. It helps me to not get stuck in their head trip, and I like to think it will help them too.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
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SkyFox
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by SkyFox »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sun May 08, 2022 4:39 am
SkyFox wrote: Wed May 04, 2022 4:07 pm I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. The person is full of negativity and refuses to hear/see anything other than what they want to, so I gave up. Their negativity is dragging me down,too.
It’s like watching someone burn from the inside.
But these folks aren’t really seeking interaction anyway, but rather, validation. They want someone to listen while they get things all sorted out in their own minds.
So, I always, simply, mentally, recite a mantra when they talk to me, I focus on that. It helps me to not get stuck in their head trip, and I like to think it will help them too.
Well said. I kept trying to help the person or put out the flames but got burnt every time. Then realized that the person, like you said, wanted validation and not help. If I knew this sooner, I could've maybe done what you did and zone out, perhaps recite a mantra. Now it's too late; I'm in a cold war with this person as we haven't interacted meaningfully in over a month. I feel bad because I really want to help, but I now get panic attacks whenever this person calls or, god forbid, comes over; too much drama that is not worth my sanity :crazy:
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

SkyFox wrote: Mon May 09, 2022 10:37 pm
PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sun May 08, 2022 4:39 am
SkyFox wrote: Wed May 04, 2022 4:07 pm I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. The person is full of negativity and refuses to hear/see anything other than what they want to, so I gave up. Their negativity is dragging me down,too.
It’s like watching someone burn from the inside.
But these folks aren’t really seeking interaction anyway, but rather, validation. They want someone to listen while they get things all sorted out in their own minds.
So, I always, simply, mentally, recite a mantra when they talk to me, I focus on that. It helps me to not get stuck in their head trip, and I like to think it will help them too.
Well said. I kept trying to help the person or put out the flames but got burnt every time. Then realized that the person, like you said, wanted validation and not help. If I knew this sooner, I could've maybe done what you did and zone out, perhaps recite a mantra. Now it's too late; I'm in a cold war with this person as we haven't interacted meaningfully in over a month. I feel bad because I really want to help, but I now get panic attacks whenever this person calls or, god forbid, comes over; too much drama that is not worth my sanity :crazy:
Always reply to them with a question. Continually ask them to clarify exactly what they are saying. Sometimes this will help them to confront themselves directly.
They will experience this as your being focused on them (whether you really are or not!) without you needing to offer them anything they don’t want anyway.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
ManyHeart
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Re: How to help someone who is suffering?

Post by ManyHeart »

These are all correct and good and true.
Just remember this: to balance your own spiritual life.
in other words, make sure your own practice is strong.
Then, help others, and combine care with peace.
Or compassion with non-attachment.
Whichever words make more sense.
Best wishes and prayers for your friend.
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