The boss

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avatamsaka3
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The boss

Post by avatamsaka3 »

Sometimes my boss gets rude or loud or disrespectful with me at work. Today he got angry or disrespectful with me because I was doing something that the business owner asked me to do. I've felt bad about it for a while since then. I don't feel like I can be honest about this, as he's not an emotionally stable person, and doesn't like talking about emotions. He's also going through a difficult life transition. What's more, I need the job for various reasons, at least until I'm sure I can find something better to replace it.

In the moment, I reminded myself that suffering is part of the deal. No avoiding it. Also that getting mad at me for following an instruction is some kind of ignorance. Even so, I was left with a feeling of suppressed anger or feeling sickened by the incident.

How have people dealt with this sort of thing?
Knotty Veneer
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Re: The boss

Post by Knotty Veneer »

If there is a HR dept I would certainly talk to them - or the business owner. Could you talk to your boss himself and ask him quietly not to behave in that manner towards you? Otherwise, I think you're doing all you can. If it were me, I'd keep my head down and start looking out for my next job.

No paycheck is big enough to take rudeness and anger. People leave managers not companies generally.
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Queequeg
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Re: The boss

Post by Queequeg »

Knotty Veneer wrote: Wed Oct 20, 2021 8:01 am If there is a HR dept I would certainly talk to them - or the business owner. Could you talk to your boss himself and ask him quietly not to behave in that manner towards you? Otherwise, I think you're doing all you can. If it were me, I'd keep my head down and start looking out for my next job.

No paycheck is big enough to take rudeness and anger. People leave managers not companies generally.
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There is no suffering to be severed. Ignorance and klesas are indivisible from bodhi. There is no cause of suffering to be abandoned. Since extremes and the false are the Middle and genuine, there is no path to be practiced. Samsara is nirvana. No severance achieved. No suffering nor its cause. No path, no end. There is no transcendent realm; there is only the one true aspect. There is nothing separate from the true aspect.
-Guanding, Perfect and Sudden Contemplation,
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Tlalok
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Re: The boss

Post by Tlalok »

Knotty Veneer wrote: Wed Oct 20, 2021 8:01 am If there is a HR dept I would certainly talk to them - or the business owner. Could you talk to your boss himself and ask him quietly not to behave in that manner towards you? Otherwise, I think you're doing all you can. If it were me, I'd keep my head down and start looking out for my next job.

No paycheck is big enough to take rudeness and anger. People leave managers not companies generally.
Be very careful with any interactions you have with HR, they are there to protect the company from litigation, not you. Do your research about how your company has dealt with issues like this before. Sounds like your boss has had these traits for a while, I doubt you're the first to experience them. Also, how many people are in your organization? Are they large enough to have proper workplace protections in place? Do you know any details of your boss's relationship with the business owner?

A great resource for issues like this is https://www.askamanager.org. You're not alone in this, most bosses are utterly incapable of managing themselves, let alone other people. Take a look how Allison recommends people to respond, it should give you some valuable pointers.
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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: The boss

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

I’d echo the sentiments about HR, don’t bother, they are usually the bosses backup and not much else. -However- this kind of thing changes at the professional level somewhat I think, where generally people are afforded more of a voice. Not fair, but accurate IMO…at least in the US, at all working-class jobs I’ve had.

Other than that my advice is to always ask for clear expectations, and be willing to stick up for yourself within the realm of what is possible.

If the expectations are muddy then he needs to clarify them. If they aren’t, what is he complaining about specifically? If his complaints are vague you have a right to ask for clarification.

I focus on these things when people get personal at work, the more concrete they are the less room for personal nonsense and the more reason you have to ask people to leave you alone, including your boss. If there is something wrong with your work then he gave give specific, actionable items. If it’s not then it’s like personal, and his problem. Getting him to out that fact might take some verbal Judo and might not be possible.

If you are in an industry where you can get union representation, do it. Being in a union makes a lot of boss-bullshit magically disappear.

It’s good that you are understanding about his personal stuff, but it doesn’t give him a right to take it out on you.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared

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avatamsaka3
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Re: The boss

Post by avatamsaka3 »

Thanks, all, for your replies. It's a small business with an owner and a staff supervisor. Staff per day is quite small. There is no "HR". And my paycheck is not enough to really put up with this in the long term. It's just that I have a history of job hopping that I'd like to end. Also, I'll need a reference to move on, and my work history is too spotty to mess this up.

The boss and the owner get into feuds. This was started when the owner asked me to do something, asked me to check with the supervisor, and he got disrespectful with me because I asked him. When I have tried to explain myself in some cases, he wasn't having it. So, kinda difficult.
SilenceMonkey
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Re: The boss

Post by SilenceMonkey »

Do they need you?

If they need help, but they have a habit of driving help away... it's a problem for them. Maybe others have quit in the past because of this. And if you leave, they'll have to take the pains to train someone else. If they need you, maybe you could drop a hint about thinking of moving out of state at some point. They might just realize how much they want you at the company.

As for conflict between the owner and the boss... you might want to not get involved, if it's possible. A passive observer...

I'm just imagining an experience I've had at work where there was a lot of tension between people I was working for. My bosses weren't too unreasonable, but sometimes I had to subtly remind them it wasn't me they were angry at and that I was just doing what they had me do... I wish you luck, though. Sounds like your boss really has a temper.
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Ayu
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Re: The boss

Post by Ayu »

It's difficult to give a functional advice from a far.

I can only think of a consoling aspect: whenever I was able to bear difficulties with people, it was giving some benefit in return. I learned a lot.
Especially it is precious to change the perspective. See how he is not really angry about you but about the owner. See how your boss is embarrassing himself. See how he cannot touch you and that you have your own dignity, whatever he shouts.

In the past, I learned how to not react on shouting in the very moment, but to talk about the incident one day later, when everybody calmed down. I just factually informed those people that I don't accept shouting at me. If they feel the urge to shout at me next time, I will just leave the room. I told them. That was important for me, to keep my dignity and to tell them, this is not my role in that group. They can shout at whatever but not at me.

A talk like this was possible in that setting. I don't know what is possible in your case.
avatamsaka3
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Re: The boss

Post by avatamsaka3 »

whenever I was able to bear difficulties with people, it was giving some benefit in return.
If I understand you correctly, this is what I did. I just apologized for any mistakes I made on the job. And the boss reassured me that I was doing a good job.

Moving forward, I'll have to work on how I react to loud/disrespectful reactions. This one went right to my stomach and messed up my gut.
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Ayu
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Re: The boss

Post by Ayu »

avatamsaka3 wrote: Fri Oct 22, 2021 10:34 pm
whenever I was able to bear difficulties with people, it was giving some benefit in return.
If I understand you correctly, this is what I did. I just apologized for any mistakes I made on the job. And the boss reassured me that I was doing a good job.

Moving forward, I'll have to work on how I react to loud/disrespectful reactions. This one went right to my stomach and messed up my gut.
And that's a natural reaction. Would be good to make him understand that his behavior is not okay. But if I'm not in your shoes I can't give any advice.
avatamsaka3
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Re: The boss

Post by avatamsaka3 »

How have people dealt with the stomach getting messed up in reaction to nastiness?
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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: The boss

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

avatamsaka3 wrote: Sat Oct 23, 2021 4:10 am How have people dealt with the stomach getting messed up in reaction to nastiness?
On a base level, that’s probably a fight or flight thing, so any kind of breathing work is one way, you gotta get your parasympathetic nervous system to kick in and balance that stuff out.

If you have access to Tsa Lung practices, Pranayama etc., or just do some rounds of what is often called ‘box breathing’. I've been told that laying on your back actually limits the activity of your adrenal glands and can help calm you recover faster if your fight or flight response is activated, don't know whether it's true but it works anecdotally.

But yeah, it’s a normal reaction to threatening situations.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared

-Khunu Lama
KristenM
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Re: The boss

Post by KristenM »

It's complicated, but talk to the owner privately about this. It sounds like he already is aware of this person's issues since they have had disagreements before. Document everything, including dates and the specifics of what occurred, because the specifics are very important to address his behavior. There are labor boards for non-union employees to mediate disputes in case it comes down to it. They aren't above labor laws simply because you aren't a union employee. Also, look for another position elsewhere. The owner will likely give you a good reference and be upset that he lost a good employee due to this person's inappropriate behavior on the job.

Also, as far as dealing with this person's aggressive/toxic behavior, breathing techniques are very helpful in the meantime until you can find a better job that doesn't involve worker abuse.
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