Conflict Avoidant

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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bluegaruda
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2017 1:04 pm

Conflict Avoidant

Post by bluegaruda »

Any particular insight on how to communicate effectively? I feel like it’s harder to speak the truth because of how I’ve conditioned myself to be a doormat to other people’s opinions + x mount of trauma/baggage/whatever for so long. Would you all say having a healthy ego is important then?

I’ve been practicing for a few years and generally I can feel compassion for others and not let the shit people say to me get to me with consistent practice. But I’m at a particular point in my life with this new job that I can’t practice as much as I want to and have to more thoroughly be in contact with people at work to get the job done.

As I mentioned above, I’ve been a doormat all my life and because of this I tend to be passive up until my practice wanes. Then I become more passive aggressive and finally overtly aggressive and angry at myself. However, more recently I’ve been slowly trying to improve my communications to better assert boundaries and thus hopefully have better relationships with people.

Basically, I’m trying to figure out how to politely tell my COVID-conspiracy evangelically-moralizing family and micromanaging coworkers to frak OFF
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Kurp
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Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2020 9:54 am

Re: Conflict Avoidant

Post by Kurp »

I’ve been on a WENTWORTH Netflix binge the past two weeks, so according to the ladies in the prison, the most efficient remedy for boundary crossing is to shiv the troublemakers in a slow motion action sequence.

But since you and I are on the outside in the free world, I guess TV violence is not the solution. So lemme think a minute here….

I don’t think picking and choosing your battles necessarily equates to conflict avoidance in all instances. Probably best to write down what your boundaries are, and which ones of those are deal breakers (i.e. which ones that would still need addressing, even after hours of doing your practice). Then imagine scenarios of how you would handle the situation in order to calmly resolve it. Google is your friend if you need specific methods and examples.

Also, being a “doormat” usually stems from prolonged abuse. Your fight or flight response is probably set to “freeze.” Having awareness of these limitations is the first step in the process.

But… don’t look to me for advice. My current method for overcoming conflict avoidance is to give people dirty looks and to imagine I have successfully placed gypsy curses upon them. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Last edited by Kurp on Mon Sep 13, 2021 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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明安 Myoan
Former staff member
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Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2012 7:11 am
Location: Portland, OR

Re: Conflict Avoidant

Post by 明安 Myoan »

I easily find fault with others' behaviors, so not ruminating when that starts to happen is a daily necessity. I avoid ruminating through nembutsu and mantras, which, being speech, interrupt the speech that typifies critical rumination for me.
Then there's some extra bandwidth to consider myself at fault, in relating to others and/or in finding some way to make these bad circumstances relevant to longer-term Buddhist goals. It seems you're already doing this.

I often recommend them, but the Lojong Slogans have been helpful for me in navigating some very sticky interpersonal situations. I like this translation (and daily card): http://www.flamingrose.org/lojong/Info.html

Also, as someone on DharmaWheel told me once, you can't be in retreat externally all the time, but you can be in retreat internally all the time. So find a way to do things in your mind, privately. Imagination and visualization are useful for this, as are memorized verses or sutra passages.
Namu Amida Butsu
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Supramundane
Posts: 621
Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:38 am
Location: Jakarta, Indonesia

Re: Conflict Avoidant

Post by Supramundane »

bluegaruda wrote: Sun Sep 12, 2021 9:26 pm Any particular insight on how to communicate effectively? I feel like it’s harder to speak the truth because of how I’ve conditioned myself to be a doormat to other people’s opinions + x mount of trauma/baggage/whatever for so long. Would you all say having a healthy ego is important then?

I’ve been practicing for a few years and generally I can feel compassion for others and not let the shit people say to me get to me with consistent practice. But I’m at a particular point in my life with this new job that I can’t practice as much as I want to and have to more thoroughly be in contact with people at work to get the job done.

As I mentioned above, I’ve been a doormat all my life and because of this I tend to be passive up until my practice wanes. Then I become more passive aggressive and finally overtly aggressive and angry at myself. However, more recently I’ve been slowly trying to improve my communications to better assert boundaries and thus hopefully have better relationships with people.

Basically, I’m trying to figure out how to politely tell my COVID-conspiracy evangelically-moralizing family and micromanaging coworkers to frak OFF
Use humor! Don't try to repress your anger --- which I sense in your words--- but sublimate it. Repression will only make it worse. Read up on the theory of sublimation in psychology. It can be a real lifeline to you. Exercise your sense of humor and never attack ignorance head on.

If you need first hand inspiration, watch some of the videos on YouTube of His Excellency, the Dalai Lama. His attitude and manner are very striking. He is never extreme or emotional. Under the surface, you can sense an ocean of compassion. Strive for this!
Metta
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Supramundane
Posts: 621
Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:38 am
Location: Jakarta, Indonesia

Re: Conflict Avoidant

Post by Supramundane »

Kurp wrote: Mon Sep 13, 2021 12:16 am I’ve been on a WENTWORTH Netflix binge the past two weeks, so according to the ladies in the prison, the most efficient remedy for boundary crossing is to shiv the troublemakers in a slow motion action sequence.

But since you and I are on the outside in the free world, I guess TV violence is not the solution. So lemme think a minute here….

I don’t think picking and choosing your battles necessarily equates to conflict avoidance in all instances. Probably best to write down what your boundaries are, and which ones of those are deal breakers (i.e. which ones that would still need addressing, even after hours of doing your practice). Then imagine scenarios of how you would handle the situation in order to calmly resolve it. Google is your friend if you need specific methods and examples.

Also, being a “doormat” usually stems from prolonged abuse. Your fight or flight response is probably set to “freeze.” Having awareness of these limitations is the first step in the process.

But… don’t look to me for advice. My current method for overcoming conflict avoidance is to give people dirty looks and to imagine I have successfully placed gypsy curses upon them. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Haha

Great post

Love your sense of humor
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