How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi
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How to let go of attachments

Post by yinyangkoi »

How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by Hazel »

yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
This doesn't answer your question, but I want to point out that leaving them would not stop you from holding them either.
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yinyangkoi
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by yinyangkoi »

Hazel wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 4:16 pm
yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
This doesn't answer your question, but I want to point out that leaving them would not stop you from holding them either.
Is it enough to just wake up from the thoughts about them? Like suddenly I realize I have been thinking about them, and then I return to the present.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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Lots of meditation.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
You have to really examine what it is that you mean by “attachment”. How does that manifest?
There is certainly nothing wrong with loving those who are close to you. It’s perfectly natural. Love is a good thing, something that the world needs more of.

But you might want to consider the possibility that while there is no problem with attachment to them, you might have a lot of attachment to your relationship with them.

Let me explain that another way.
Many years ago, a woman I was dating said something that has really stuck with me: if you really love a person, you love them from within them, from inside them, and not from your side.
You love them for who they are, and not for your experience of who they are.
You don’t love them based on your own interpretation of them, or who you think they are, or even to what you think the relationship is about. You simply love them for them, for what there is inside that belongs to them. And you can’t own that. You can’t really be attached to something that belongs to somebody else.

That’s the difference between loving a person and, say, loving pizza. I love pizza because of the satisfaction it gives me. But when you talk about loving a person, it helps to drop the “me” a little. It helps to look at how much is about clinging, or even about control.

That’s why I am saying that the issue of attachment may not really be about being attached to other people. It may be more about being attached to oneself, to the experience one has or hopes to be having, depending on the other person to make that happen. In a sense. One is deflecting onto the other people, putting the weight onto them.

If the love I have for another person is mainly based on what I am getting from it emotionally, then that love is really not about them. It’s about me and my needs. Not their needs. And in this way, it’s conditional. It’s “I love you as long as some emotional conditions are met”. Of course, that’s important as far as the structure of a relationship goes. You aren’t going to be happy in a relationship where your emotional needs aren’t met. But that doesn’t have anything to do with non-attachment.

Non-attachment isn’t about giving up the world. It’s about giving up self-attachment, and in that way, embracing the world, embracing other people.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by muni »

This has been a problem for me, attachment to kind people. Because as a child I have been abandoned without care, so this made me very sensitive to any grain of kindness I received. In my delusions I did my best to be as kind as possible ( with generosity, being friendly, with whatever to give to others, trying to do what I had missed, I guess to compensate.) The idea to include own being in kindness has been difficult and been seen as wrong.

As long as there is that experience/feeling of me, being so or so, there is attachment/suffering.

I do not mean compassion, loving kindness... is attachment, it rather opens the gate, freeing of self-clinging.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by yinyangkoi »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:25 am
yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
You have to really examine what it is that you mean by “attachment”. How does that manifest?
There is certainly nothing wrong with loving those who are close to you. It’s perfectly natural. Love is a good thing, something that the world needs more of.

But you might want to consider the possibility that while there is no problem with attachment to them, you might have a lot of attachment to your relationship with them.

Let me explain that another way.
Many years ago, a woman I was dating said something that has really stuck with me: if you really love a person, you love them from within them, from inside them, and not from your side.
You love them for who they are, and not for your experience of who they are.
You don’t love them based on your own interpretation of them, or who you think they are, or even to what you think the relationship is about. You simply love them for them, for what there is inside that belongs to them. And you can’t own that. You can’t really be attached to something that belongs to somebody else.

That’s the difference between loving a person and, say, loving pizza. I love pizza because of the satisfaction it gives me. But when you talk about loving a person, it helps to drop the “me” a little. It helps to look at how much is about clinging, or even about control.

That’s why I am saying that the issue of attachment may not really be about being attached to other people. It may be more about being attached to oneself, to the experience one has or hopes to be having, depending on the other person to make that happen. In a sense. One is deflecting onto the other people, putting the weight onto them.

If the love I have for another person is mainly based on what I am getting from it emotionally, then that love is really not about them. It’s about me and my needs. Not their needs. And in this way, it’s conditional. It’s “I love you as long as some emotional conditions are met”. Of course, that’s important as far as the structure of a relationship goes. You aren’t going to be happy in a relationship where your emotional needs aren’t met. But that doesn’t have anything to do with non-attachment.

Non-attachment isn’t about giving up the world. It’s about giving up self-attachment, and in that way, embracing the world, embracing other people.
It manifests as fear of losing them, saddness when I realize it's only temporary. Missing them a lot, like I miss my mom a lot and it hurts. This is what I mean with attachment.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by muni »

It manifests as fear of losing them, saddness when I realize it's only temporary. Missing them a lot, like I miss my mom a lot and it hurts. This is what I mean with attachment.
I find holding on thought about them, is making the pain worse, since this increases the emotions, which then can turn in desperation/fear. This makes only ourselves sad and our family has no any benefit, no any good by that.
Perhaps it could help to just be there for them in the present, while not jumping into thoughts about future or even the past. And when these come up, think on something other, or what you can do right now for them. Or think on nice moments with them.

These sad thoughts/feelings are allowed to leave, your care for your family will not be less at all in that way. You only will not be so hurt.

And perhaps I may add, that what we are is never passing away. Do not be afraid.

Not sure this helps, I wish then others to help.
All the best. _/\_
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do l let go of attachments?
Be free!..
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

yinyangkoi wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 10:01 am It manifests as fear of losing them, saddness when I realize it's only temporary. Missing them a lot, like I miss my mom a lot and it hurts. This is what I mean with attachment.
This is why monks meditate on impermanence and death. If you read the story of Prince Siddhartha, this agony was precisely what led him to seek realization as a Buddha. This is simply the truth of suffering, dukkha.
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yinyangkoi
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by yinyangkoi »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 3:20 am
yinyangkoi wrote: Fri Aug 06, 2021 10:01 am It manifests as fear of losing them, saddness when I realize it's only temporary. Missing them a lot, like I miss my mom a lot and it hurts. This is what I mean with attachment.
This is why monks meditate on impermanence and death. If you read the story of Prince Siddhartha, this agony was precisely what led him to seek realization as a Buddha. This is simply the truth of suffering, dukkha.
So the only way is to attain nirvana? And then I will be free from it? Or I could abandon my family and become a monk, then I will also be free from it right?
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 11:56 am ...
So the only way is to attain nirvana? And then I will be free from it? Or I could abandon my family and become a monk, then I will also be free from it right?
Asking this, you have to be aware that in Mahayana Nirvana is only a kind of holiday. The real goal is Buddhahood / Liberation for all.
My problems and my wish for liberation are tiny viewed in relation to the whole suffering and wish for happiness of all beings.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
Do you have children? If you do, then it would be irresponsible and undharmic to abandon them. If not, then you need to look closely at the commitments you have made in this life. Have you already made such commitments that breaking them will cause more suffering? Or can you respectfully withdraw and renounce them? And what will you do? Will you truly commit the rest of your life to Dharma? Or are you just seeking a shortsighted escape from your circumstances? If your desire to withdraw is not dharmic, then don't use Dharma as an excuse for your choice.

You need to be real with yourself. Your concerns don't actually sound Dharmic. If you authentically experienced non-attachment, then letting go would not present these dilemmas to you.
There is no suffering to be severed. Ignorance and klesas are indivisible from bodhi. There is no cause of suffering to be abandoned. Since extremes and the false are the Middle and genuine, there is no path to be practiced. Samsara is nirvana. No severance achieved. No suffering nor its cause. No path, no end. There is no transcendent realm; there is only the one true aspect. There is nothing separate from the true aspect.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 11:56 am
PadmaVonSamba wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 3:20 am
This is why monks meditate on impermanence and death. If you read the story of Prince Siddhartha, this agony was precisely what led him to seek realization as a Buddha. This is simply the truth of suffering, dukkha.
So the only way is to attain nirvana? And then I will be free from it? Or I could abandon my family and become a monk, then I will also be free from it right?
What you originally asked was this:
How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them?
And then you explained that
It manifests as fear of losing them, saddness when I realize it's only temporary… This is what I mean with attachment.
But that’s only natural. Everybody feels that way about people or pets or even sometimes inanimate objects. Anything that we like, we wish would last forever. If the house burns down and we lose everything, we feel sad about it. Of course. There are differing degrees. Having a tire blow out on your car may be inconvenient but it’s not emotionally upsetting the way it is to lose a loved one to death (well, there are people who do lose it completely over things like flat tires).

But that attachment and fear of loss itself isn’t what causes mental anguish, but rather, not coming to terms with the fact that this impermanence is the nature of things. This is what the Buddha taught.

But you don’t have to become a Buddha to experience it. Everything is impermanent, but that’s okay. Impermanence itself isn’t the problem. It’s the attachment to the desire for permanence which causes suffering, because it can never be realized or fulfilled.

So, again, one meditates on the impermanence of things. Eventually one sees that there is nothing to be sad about (for very long).

More to the point, perhaps, is that it is possible to experience sadness fully, but without dwelling in it. And one can experience happiness fully, but without depending on it. In other words, you can cultivate a stable mind that can experience all sorts of emotions but without getting consumed by them. They too, being states of mind, are impermanent.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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Ayu wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 12:24 pmNirvana is only a kind of holiday
How do I book a tour?
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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Let go of self and then there are no clingings, only the appearance of clinging. No self no clinging. Only the mirage of clinging. The illusory ego. Thank you everyone for your teaching! Love, Tom. :hi:
in any matters of importance. dont rely on me. i may not know what i am talking about. take what i say as mere speculation. i am not ordained. nor do i have a formal training. i do believe though that if i am wrong on any point. there are those on this site who i hope will quickly point out my mistakes.
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
This may be of use.

Family Karma

From a talk at the Seoul International Zen Center

Question: Recently I saw a calligraphy of yours in the U.S. which said, "Freedom from family karma." What does this mean? Why is this important?

Zen Master Seung Sahn: The basis of the family is emotion. Emotional connections make the family. But, emotion and love are different. Emotion means opposites feeling: like/dislike, good/bad, mine/yours. Love means there are no opposites--only giving, giving, giving--always giving.

Understanding is in our head; emotions are in the heart. Our center--the tantien--is just below the navel. If you keep all your energy there, then you can digest your understanding and your emotions. Emotions are then changed into great love and great compassion. Also, your understanding then becomes wisdom. So, when your center becomes strong you can control your feelings, your condition, and your situation. When these become clear, then our true job appears: help all beings. That's the great bodhisattva way.
Emphasis mine. From here.

I'm married with a son. Family life is tough. As the person responsible for bringing money into the house, I fantasize often about not have that responsibility. But, in the end, I made this situation, and it's my responsibility and it's an important one. Without Zen practice, I would be a mess, probably dead.

Practice often, search deeply for the source of your emotions and attachments. And, most importantly, discuss this with your teacher.

_/|\_
Keith
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being silent, moving, being still.
At all times, in all places, without interruption - what is this?
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Re: How to let go of attachments

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yinyangkoi wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:58 pm How do I let go of attachments to spouse and family, without leaving them? It feels like if I let go, they will die. I see it's just in my mind, and just because I let go of them mentally doesn't mean they will die. I think I am attached to them, because when I think about leaving them or them leaving I feel sad and scared and I don't want them to be sad. But I also realize I don't really can own them or hold them. How to stop holding them without leaving them forever?
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Re: How to let go of attachments

Post by Jesse »

I think a large part of letting go of attachments to things we hold dear, such as family, friends, pets, ourselves, etc.. is simply understanding and accepting the 3 marks of existence.

When you fully understand that by resisting the truth you suffer more, it becomes a little easier to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you no longer care about people, no longer take care of them. It's simply acceptance and understanding. You can simply mentally examine your life, have you ever been able to hold on to anything? You obtain something only to lose it, this extends and applies to everything.

It sounds sad in one way, but in another, because of this precarious situation, you can take the stance of enjoying what you do have, while you have it. This includes family, and friends, and pets.

When you are truly able to let go, you don't actually lose anything, you gain things. Peacefulness, understanding, and the ability to accept things as they are.
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Thus shall ye think of all this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream;
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.
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