Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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bcol01
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Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

Post by bcol01 »

Mod note: This post was split from this old topic: https://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.p ... 42#p446342

And years later this comment still helps me along. Though these days I'm far less affected by it. I've come to a place of acceptance, compassion and distance. I'm finally ok with the way of things. That must be progress right?
:namaste:
markatex wrote: Sun May 06, 2018 6:47 pm
bcol01 wrote: Sun May 06, 2018 5:45 pm So my mother has just never really been there for me throughout my life in the way that I needed her to be. She has always been indifferent and distant and also abusive and/or allowed my step father to abuse me.
With regards to this, specifically...

Not all of us get the parents we want, need, or should’ve had. It sucks, and it messes a lot of us up, and we have issues that take decades to work out just so we can be functional adults.

It’s understandable to be angry and want/need to distance yourself. Even in North America, we have a culture that tells us we have to love our families and keep them in our lives no matter what. It’s hard to go against that conditioning, and when we do, people are very judgmental about it.

You have to make peace with the fact that your mother is never going to be the mother you want or need her to be.
That doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t mean you have to have any kind of relationship with her if you feel it would be detrimental to your well-being.

But over time, it might help you be less angry about it. Go easy on yourself. You’re not a bad person because you need to distance yourself.
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
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Ayu
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Re: Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

Post by Ayu »

Yes, sounds like good progress. :smile:

Society demands from mothers to be perfect like saints. But we all have to accept they are human beings only who often carry a big load mentally. And it's difficult for evey woman or man to treat beings better than they have been treated themselves.

But somebody has to start with 'treating others better'. Otherwise this sad samsaric circle won't stop. Therefore, the best point for starting is 'me'.
frankie
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Re: Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

Post by frankie »

All situations are particular with many nuances. However, after a long time of masochistically lacerating oneself against the alter of - "Oh it's my mom/dad/family, therefore I need to keep going back to take more of (whatever their favoured brand of cruelty is) because Buddhism says, blah, blah, blah" - an excellent way of being most compassionate towards yourself and them, is to stay the hell away from the sick puppies - maybe forever.

That way you reclaim your stolen birthright and opportunity to calm down your PTSD'd psycho-physical system, clarify your own being, and stop creating more 'victim karma'...and also very kindly stop them from continuing their extremely dangerous 'nasty bastards' karma'. One might say you emerge as a survivor/thriver, for whom the rest of life can be something of an existential breeze, armed as you now are, with the wisdom and warrior skills of one who has already fought and the come through the most terrble trials you are ever likely to encounter.
markatex
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Re: Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

Post by markatex »

bcol01 wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 1:52 am Mod note: This post was split from this old topic: https://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.p ... 42#p446342

And years later this comment still helps me along. Though these days I'm far less affected by it. I've come to a place of acceptance, compassion and distance.
Oh, gosh…I’m so glad to hear that was helpful. It’s not an easy thing. I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother for well over a decade. In the last couple of years, her health has gotten bad and I’ve been talking to her on the phone occasionally. I’m mentally a lot stronger than I used to be, so I’m able to set clearer boundaries and the nonsense doesn’t overwhelm.

It’s good to hear things are better for you in this area. Family of origin issues are tough.
bcol01
Posts: 365
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:20 pm

Re: Emotionally neglectful and indifferent Mother - acceptance, compassion and distancing

Post by bcol01 »

I agree and that's good that your situation is now more manageable. Ty again. :namaste:
markatex wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 9:45 am
bcol01 wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 1:52 am Mod note: This post was split from this old topic: https://www.dharmawheel.net/viewtopic.p ... 42#p446342

And years later this comment still helps me along. Though these days I'm far less affected by it. I've come to a place of acceptance, compassion and distance.
Oh, gosh…I’m so glad to hear that was helpful. It’s not an easy thing. I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother for well over a decade. In the last couple of years, her health has gotten bad and I’ve been talking to her on the phone occasionally. I’m mentally a lot stronger than I used to be, so I’m able to set clearer boundaries and the nonsense doesn’t overwhelm.

It’s good to hear things are better for you in this area. Family of origin issues are tough.
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
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