6 Year Mental Torment

General discussion, particularly exploring the Dharma in the modern world.
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Satori2021
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 10:55 pm

6 Year Mental Torment

Post by Satori2021 »

This story needs to be simplified, for your benefit – it'll take way too long to talk about in detail.

So I'm 32 and a male, I first discovered buddhism back in around 2009 completely by chance while back in my home country of England. I saw the movie 'Spring Summer Autumn Winter' and it blew me away. I found some kind of connection with the characters and the way that emotions were applied to real life events.
When I saw that movie I was 19, and I flew off to SE Asia randomly. After some years of bumbling around and being a fool, I started speaking to a person online. I've always been someone who believes in long term relationships as opposed to flings etc. So me becoming attracted to a person online was a big thing, but the things we both agreed on, the views we had etc, they all aligned to the point where we could spend hours every day simply talking.

I won't go into the details of everything as that would take too long, but she lived in the Middle East, and she was forced into a marriage from an early age. She had 2 daughters and she was still married, I learned all of this.
Over the next 2 years that we spoke, she managed to get the confidence to file for divorce from her abusive husband, and somehow managed to gain legal rights to looking after her daughters. At this point we were still talking in the same way, but back then I for whatever reason had a big lack fo self confidence. After some time broke off communication.
She met some guy and yet she still messaged me. She asked me for advice on certain things he did, and how he acted. I really did not want to talk to her as it hurt too much, I know I needed to remove her form her life as she lived so far away physically, and I could not find the courage to go and meet her.
We kept flip flopping between talking and not talking, until around 2018.

The thing is. that people have come and gone from our lives, yet we keep coming back to each other. This is during and after relationships. it's as if we have this understanding and cosmic connection that I've never felt before, or even felt something close to.
Now we are in lockdown in 2020 and 2021, she is living with her parents again in the middle east, and I have returned to the Western work from SE Asia. We have spoken many times, some occasions multiple hours on the phone. We can pick up the phone and talk as if we have never stopped talking, it's so crazy. However, now I am confident with myself as a man and a person, she is having very severe anxiety issues. She now says that she cannot think of or commit to a relationship, but yet would still meet in person. I am now on lockdown in the UK and that is out of the question.
I have sensed some manipulative ways in her personality many years back, but at heart, she seems like a decent person. The thing is, she is such a focal point in my heart, I cannot let go. I am very familiar with the dharma, of dependent origination, of the 12 links etc. But this girl, this woman, even if we do not talk for 6 months, I am still hung up. I cannot move on from her and I need help.
Crazywisdom
Posts: 2413
Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 5:48 pm

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by Crazywisdom »

Dude. It's a sad tale. Happily we all have a tale like that. Time is your friend. Time is a magic eraser. Give it time. Isolation makes us obsess and lose patience. I try mantras and stuff. But it's hard. I guess the hardship is what will make us stronger. Time is a destroyer but also time molds and forges like a blacksmith does a sword. One valuable lesson I learned from every woman I have been with is they put themselves first. As men we are conditioned to be heroes. That is the New mysogony. Put yourself and your comfort first. If this woman makes you feel bad do anything to out that in the past. If the shoe was on the other foot she would definitely do that to you.
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FiveSkandhas
Posts: 406
Joined: Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:40 pm

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by FiveSkandhas »

Satori2021 wrote: Sat Jan 09, 2021 11:34 pm This story needs to be simplified, for your benefit – it'll take way too long to talk about in detail.

So I'm 32 and a male, I first discovered buddhism back in around 2009 completely by chance while back in my home country of England. I saw the movie 'Spring Summer Autumn Winter' and it blew me away. I found some kind of connection with the characters and the way that emotions were applied to real life events.
When I saw that movie I was 19, and I flew off to SE Asia randomly. After some years of bumbling around and being a fool, I started speaking to a person online. I've always been someone who believes in long term relationships as opposed to flings etc. So me becoming attracted to a person online was a big thing, but the things we both agreed on, the views we had etc, they all aligned to the point where we could spend hours every day simply talking.

I won't go into the details of everything as that would take too long, but she lived in the Middle East, and she was forced into a marriage from an early age. She had 2 daughters and she was still married, I learned all of this.
Over the next 2 years that we spoke, she managed to get the confidence to file for divorce from her abusive husband, and somehow managed to gain legal rights to looking after her daughters. At this point we were still talking in the same way, but back then I for whatever reason had a big lack fo self confidence. After some time broke off communication.
She met some guy and yet she still messaged me. She asked me for advice on certain things he did, and how he acted. I really did not want to talk to her as it hurt too much, I know I needed to remove her form her life as she lived so far away physically, and I could not find the courage to go and meet her.
We kept flip flopping between talking and not talking, until around 2018.

The thing is. that people have come and gone from our lives, yet we keep coming back to each other. This is during and after relationships. it's as if we have this understanding and cosmic connection that I've never felt before, or even felt something close to.
Now we are in lockdown in 2020 and 2021, she is living with her parents again in the middle east, and I have returned to the Western work from SE Asia. We have spoken many times, some occasions multiple hours on the phone. We can pick up the phone and talk as if we have never stopped talking, it's so crazy. However, now I am confident with myself as a man and a person, she is having very severe anxiety issues. She now says that she cannot think of or commit to a relationship, but yet would still meet in person. I am now on lockdown in the UK and that is out of the question.
I have sensed some manipulative ways in her personality many years back, but at heart, she seems like a decent person. The thing is, she is such a focal point in my heart, I cannot let go. I am very familiar with the dharma, of dependent origination, of the 12 links etc. But this girl, this woman, even if we do not talk for 6 months, I am still hung up. I cannot move on from her and I need help.
This is a perfect opportunity to throw yourself into the Dharma with vigor and discipline. Just make the decision to totally forget about her. Firmly renounce. Take the time and energy you would have spent on the relationship and just devote it utterly to your practice. Practice harder, until you sweat blood. Remember the date opportunity of a precious human incarnation in which you have made a connection with the Dharma. Recall the uncertainty of life: anything could happen, you could die tomorrow, so there is no time to lose in perfecting your practice. Practice like every second is a priceless treasure slipping away. Forget your attachment to eros and "leave home" with firm resolve.
:anjali:
"One should cultivate contemplation in one’s foibles. The foibles are like fish, and contemplation is like fishing hooks. If there are no fish, then the fishing hooks have no use. The bigger the fish is, the better the result we will get. As long as the fishing hooks keep at it, all foibles will eventually be contained and controlled at will." -Zhiyi
Arnoud
Posts: 714
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 7:19 pm

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by Arnoud »

I remember you mentioning this either here or on another forum a few years back. I am sorry you still have to deal with this.

Karma is unknowable. Relax about her and it will resolve either way. Or not.
gelukman
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:12 pm

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by gelukman »

One pointed concentration never fail.
SilenceMonkey
Posts: 458
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2018 9:54 am

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by SilenceMonkey »

You're under a spell. But it's not "her" putting a spell on you... It is coming from your own mind.

I was recently in a similar dynamic of being utterly in love. Love is like a magical spell. Once I remembered how I got into the situation in the first place, the moments when she said something that made me fall in love... that is when a belief was created that formed a new inner narrative. In my experience, once you understand the belief holding the story together, you will see that it's just a story and it no longer has power over you. Once the underlying belief is destroyed (invalidated - seen to no longer be true), the story will fall apart and the attachment will collapse just like that.
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Sunrise
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2020 5:55 am

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by Sunrise »

See if you can meet her in the future (if that's what you both want). But in the mean time, enjoy your life the best you can and focus your mind on other stuff. We have to surrender to being in lockdown at the moment.
Satori2021
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 10:55 pm

Re: 6 Year Mental Torment

Post by Satori2021 »

Arnoud wrote: Sun Jan 10, 2021 2:18 pm I remember you mentioning this either here or on another forum a few years back. I am sorry you still have to deal with this.

Karma is unknowable. Relax about her and it will resolve either way. Or not.
You have a good memory!
I have spoken about this maybe 2 years ago and in a different Buddhist forum, when at a different phase of the whole thing. The only reason I did back then and am now is due to sheer desperation I guess. After the situation had evolved on from the previous point, I was ok with things. I had accepted the scenario, but I know there was and is always a part of me deep down that longs for this person. No matter how aware I am of the attachment I have or the delusion that exists wrapped up within this person, my mind keeps pointing towards certain aspects that suggest she and I have a connection that will never be found ever again (in my lifetime).
I'm fully aware how silly this, and how there are countless other people there. And even going further into it, I have my own beliefs about life and consciousness, where actually I don't even think you or me are a separate entity and exist. So why get so wrapped up in a person like this? I can't fully explain it. There are so many reasons, one of them being how I used to have dreams of certain things happening in her life, significant things, and they would end up happening. We would both be shocked by these events. Such things blow your mind about life and the universe, and it's just another catalyst towards 'you should be together.'

But since I made the post on this forum, I made my intentions clear to her that we should just have no part in each others life. We then did not speak for 4 weeks. She then emailed me saying that we can remain friends but that is it, because she is engaged! She has a history of being impulsive and when backed into a corner, does things like this. I told her that this should be the last time we ever speak and I blocked her. I feel this was the correct decision, but I am just left feeling so empty.
I know this is the perfect chance to practice the dharma, to grow and proposer, but that is easier said than done. I need to be able to fully realise that I am projecting into my world via the mind, her. I look for her in a new potential friend or partner. It sucks, but I cannot help it! And just for the record yes I have had longterm relationshiops with other people, but I always compare everything with her.
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