How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

bcol01
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How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by bcol01 »

How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Arnoud »

By developing insight so you know who you are not.
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

Process of elimination:
Try being everybody else.
When that doesn’t work,
whoever is still left over is you.
EMPTIFUL.
An inward outlook produces outward insight.
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Johnny Dangerous
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
By examining, by seeing how it really is, and not making an attempt to make it look different for other people, or to make yourself feel better.

"Being oneself" usually just means being authentic, which has to do with inner and outer honesty - honesty with others about how it is with us, unflinching honesty with ourselves.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when sad

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when suffering occurs

Meditate upon Bodhicitta when you are scared

-Khunu Lama
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Queequeg
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Queequeg »

you mean if I questioned who I am, I would cease to be?!!!

I don't think anyone can help but be themselves.

wherever you go, there your are!
There is no suffering to be severed. Ignorance and klesas are indivisible from bodhi. There is no cause of suffering to be abandoned. Since extremes and the false are the Middle and genuine, there is no path to be practiced. Samsara is nirvana. No severance achieved. No suffering nor its cause. No path, no end. There is no transcendent realm; there is only the one true aspect. There is nothing separate from the true aspect.
-Guanding, Perfect and Sudden Contemplation,
PeterC
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by PeterC »

How can one be anything other than oneself, by definition?

And if one "isn't sure who they are", what would they do differently if they found out?
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Kim O'Hara »

Johnny Dangerous wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 7:00 pm
bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
By examining, by seeing how it really is, and not making an attempt to make it look different for other people, or to make yourself feel better.

"Being oneself" usually just means being authentic, which has to do with inner and outer honesty - honesty with others about how it is with us, unflinching honesty with ourselves.
I think this is the best answer so far.
As PeterC said, "How can one be anything other than oneself?" Using that as a starting point, just observe what you are doing and after a while you can say, "That's who I am."
Don't stick labels on yourself to try to define yourself (not until you're really sure they fit, anyway), and especially don't try to live up (or down) to labels that other people put on you.

:namaste:
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Svalaksana »

PeterC wrote: Fri Aug 27, 2021 6:24 am How can one be anything other than oneself, by definition?
This strikes me as a perfectly reasonable, common-sense, almost Zen-like answer.

At least I would consider this straightforward, no non-sense direct question as a great answer to the question.
Looking but not seeing - that's my eye.
Thinking but not minding - that's my mind.
Speaking but not expressing - that's my tongue.
Traveling but not going - that's my path.
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Natan »

bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
We used to have this joke in our group, "Act natural."

If you're confused, then it's ok to be confused. Be honest is best.
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by peter_k »

How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
I don't think there is anything that is an essential self, unchanging throughout life. What "I am" is dependent on time, place, circumstance. I am 61 years old and what I consider "me" has changed many times, is still changing, will continue to change. Isn't this the teaching of "anatta"?

Are you searching for a chimera? For "A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream, a flash of lightning in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream"?

All of your selves are your "true self". Relax.

I'm not a Pureland Buddhist, and, yes, I know this isn't a Pureland forum, but nevertheless I've long had an admiration for some of what Shinran said. As one of his followers put it: "I recall hearing the late master say "People of the Pureland Way enter the Pureland by becoming their foolish selves" ".
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Minobu
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Minobu »

bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
watching this thread no one asked you if this is a gender related question.

The world is so open to the various genders we as human beings are, and so many to define us.

The Karma seems to have changed for people that are LGTB ....still a rough road but more light at the end of the table regarding the end to ignorance and bigotry.
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by KathyLauren »

Minobu wrote: Sun Aug 29, 2021 6:29 pm
bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
watching this thread no one asked you if this is a gender related question.

The world is so open to the various genders we as human beings are, and so many to define us.

The Karma seems to have changed for people that are LGTB ....still a rough road but more light at the end of the table regarding the end to ignorance and bigotry.
:good:

Certainly, I have experience with this question from that specific perspective. I spent 62 years not being myself. ("I am feeling much better now." - Buddy Ryan in Night Court)

How you you discover who your real self is? By ceasing to pretend. Pretending to be someone you are not gets to be a habit. In Buddhist terms, it is just one more delusion. The Dharma teaches us to see through the illusions and delusions, and to see things as they are. So Buddhist practice is quite relevant here.

When you stop pretending to be what you are not, when you stop doing what you do just because it is what others expect of you, when you examine what your values are and live by them, what is left is the real you.

And, if the issue is indeed gender, then find a good gender therapist.

Om mani padme hum
Kathy
bcol01
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by bcol01 »

Def not a gender-issue
Minobu wrote: Sun Aug 29, 2021 6:29 pm
bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
watching this thread no one asked you if this is a gender related question.

The world is so open to the various genders we as human beings are, and so many to define us.

The Karma seems to have changed for people that are LGTB ....still a rough road but more light at the end of the table regarding the end to ignorance and bigotry.
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
bcol01
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by bcol01 »

Ty Kathy for that insight!
KathyLauren wrote: Sun Aug 29, 2021 9:24 pm
Minobu wrote: Sun Aug 29, 2021 6:29 pm
bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
watching this thread no one asked you if this is a gender related question.

The world is so open to the various genders we as human beings are, and so many to define us.

The Karma seems to have changed for people that are LGTB ....still a rough road but more light at the end of the table regarding the end to ignorance and bigotry.
:good:

Certainly, I have experience with this question from that specific perspective. I spent 62 years not being myself. ("I am feeling much better now." - Buddy Ryan in Night Court)

How you you discover who your real self is? By ceasing to pretend. Pretending to be someone you are not gets to be a habit. In Buddhist terms, it is just one more delusion. The Dharma teaches us to see through the illusions and delusions, and to see things as they are. So Buddhist practice is quite relevant here.

When you stop pretending to be what you are not, when you stop doing what you do just because it is what others expect of you, when you examine what your values are and live by them, what is left is the real you.

And, if the issue is indeed gender, then find a good gender therapist.

Om mani padme hum
Kathy
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by florin »

So if people expect respect, stroking their ego and endlessly listening to their bragging about their great achievements should i just stop doing that and be honest with them? Unbelievable.Hmmm. I am wondering what kind of life would that be.
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by KathyLauren »

florin wrote: Mon Aug 30, 2021 4:41 pm So if people expect respect, stroking their ego and endlessly listening to their bragging about their great achievements should i just stop doing that and be honest with them? Unbelievable.Hmmm. I am wondering what kind of life would that be.
If you genuinely think the guy is a braggart and you genuinely don't care about the consequences of not listening (such as getting fired if he is your boss), then by all means don't pretend to listen.

What I was referring to, and what I believe the OP was referring to, was the kind of pretense where you do what is expected of you, even though not doing so has no significant consequences. Wearing particular clothing because it is the fashion, for example.

Being yourself is about being genuine. If you genuinely care about particular consequences, fine. Just be honest that that is why you do what you do, and that makes you who you are. By all means give genuine respect when it is due, and the mandatory trappings of respect when they are required, but don't pretend that the latter IS respect.

If you choose not to tell your braggart boss that he is a braggart because you are kind, great, be kind. If you choose not to tell him because you are scared, great, be scared. And if you choose to tell him because doing so will be helpful to him, then great, do so. I am not suggesting a particular course of action. I am suggesting that being yourself (which, after all is the topic) requires being honest with yourself.

Om mani padme hum
Kathy
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by Konchog Thogme Jampa »

florin wrote: Mon Aug 30, 2021 4:41 pm So if people expect respect, stroking their ego and endlessly listening to their bragging about their great achievements should i just stop doing that and be honest with them? Unbelievable.Hmmm. I am wondering what kind of life would that be.
The ego always needs to assert and reassert. Keep alive all the constructs.
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by peter_k »

florin wrote: Mon Aug 30, 2021 4:41 pm So if people expect respect, stroking their ego and endlessly listening to their bragging about their great achievements should i just stop doing that and be honest with them? Unbelievable.Hmmm. I am wondering what kind of life would that be.
Yes, that sort of situation can be very difficult, frustrating, annoying. I find myself time and time again drawn to respond from my own hurt and frustration, so this is addressed as much to myself as to you:

He/she is a human lost in "the sufferings of birth and death...endured since time without beginning".

How to respond? That's for you to decide.
bcol01
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by bcol01 »

Ty Johnny. This really hit home for me and gave me incentive to look deeper. I think maybe the crux of my issue is just not feelling secure or confident within myself. Maybe it has to do with comparing myself to others somehow. Either way, ty for your comment. Gassho
Johnny Dangerous wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 7:00 pm
bcol01 wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:57 pm How do you be yourself if you aren't sure who you are?
By examining, by seeing how it really is, and not making an attempt to make it look different for other people, or to make yourself feel better.

"Being oneself" usually just means being authentic, which has to do with inner and outer honesty - honesty with others about how it is with us, unflinching honesty with ourselves.
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
bcol01
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Re: How does one be him or herself if they aren't sure who they are?

Post by bcol01 »

As usual, so true
Queequeg wrote: Thu Aug 26, 2021 10:25 pm you mean if I questioned who I am, I would cease to be?!!!

I don't think anyone can help but be themselves.

wherever you go, there your are!
In his writing, Hokkemongu (Words and Phrases of the Lotus Sutra), The Great Master Nichiren said, “If the practitioners of the Lotus Sutra wholeheartedly devote their life to the Lotus Sutra and practice according to its golden words, it is certainly needless to say that not only in the next life, but also in this lifetime they will overcome severe difficulty, prolong their life, receive the great, good fortune of unsurpassed enlightenment, and accomplish the great vow of the widespread, propagation of True Buddhism.”
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