Buddhists are people who have resolved to be with themselves on a more intimate level. This means two things: to be mindful of one’s own actions and thoughts, and to be gentle to oneself. Vigilant mindfulness allows us to see our own narrowness, apathy, and confusion. We may think we are good enough, but through mindfulness, we find it is not at all true. And this is probably what makes so many Buddhists procrastinate when it comes to practice. Unlike talking high theories or performing rituals and charitable deeds pretentiously, facing one’s own shortcomings does not please vanity or boost morale. However, some people go to the opposite extreme and the result of their vigilant mindfulness troubles them. Probing hard what is beneath their narrowness, apathy, and confusion, they become cynical and unfriendly due to their own self-criticisms.
Without mindfulness and introspection, we cannot ultimately dispel delusion; without gentleness and graciousness, there is only pain left in our practice. Love, compassion, sympathetic joy, and impartiality all arise from a gentle warm heart. To be loving and compassionate is a popular teaching, but this love and compassion should be directed to both others and oneself, and firstly to oneself. Without being loving and compassionate to oneself, it will be hard for one to do so for others. We should honor each momentary experience, value the insights gained through them, and acknowledge our weakness without losing self-esteem. Even if we see our faults, we remain content and appreciative. Doing so is essential to our practice because only by not giving up on ourselves will we not abandon others; only when we esteem our own feelings will we willingly develop empathy for others; only when we believe that we have the potential of attaining enlightenment will we believe that others, too, have such potential and eventually enter the Mahayana path.
Mahayana Buddhists aspire to practice Buddhadharma and attain Buddhahood for the ultimate liberation of all sentient beings. This vast attitude is called bodhichitta in Sanskrit. We have long wandered in samsara and have been well coached by greed, ignorance, and anger. Consequently, the generation of bodhichitta is easier said than done. Nonetheless, we should aspire to do so, even if our aspiration is not quite sincere or even in doubt. Our mind is extremely malleable, and provided we keep training it, things that are false can eventually become true. In time, a contrived aspiration can be transformed to veritable bodhichitta.
In Buddhist practice, bodhichitta is not empty rhetoric. It is based on the four boundless qualities of love, compassion, sympathetic joy, and impartiality, and involves detailed steps to arouse.
i also would like to share my thoughts as an add-on to the above.
my strong impression is that many western buddhists have a childhood history of dysfunctional family relationships, when parents were emotionally unstable/unpredictable or emotionally/physically unavailable, unsupportive/dismissive/abusive and a plethora of other things. at the very root it basically revolves around inability of some parents to love unconditionally. that means they put all sorts of expectations and conditions on a child. "i will love and appreciate you if you comply with my rules, if you clean the mess in you room, if you got good grades at school, etc., if.. if.. if..".
in other words, parents don't accept children the way they are. as a result, children develop this neurotical patterns where they believe that something about them is intrinsically wrong. they are not to be loved the way they are. they question themselves if they are worthy? if they are good enough persons? so it comes natural they develop the perception that they have to fix something about themselves. they need to prove they are adequate beings. this unconcious belief that they are somehow unworthy develops a strong seeking of the way how they can become worthy, wholesome, happy and content, hence the interest in spirituality in general and buddhism in particular.
my observation is that many western practitioners does not realize there are these hidden patterns of childhood unresolved traumas at play with their aspirations and decision making regarding buddhism.
as Jung put it "until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate". the inevitable consequence of childhood traumas and a feeling of unworthiness is that many western buddhist have what i call "inner dictatorship": it is as if there is a very critical voice in a mind, never satisfied, always discontent, which sets the perfect picture of ourselves and then torment us when we are not matching it.
same thing happens with relationships: neurotic partners unconsciously choose each other because of similar childhood family traumas, as an attempt to heal themselves through replaying childhood scenarios. then they wonder why do their relationships repeat the same pattern over and over again. for example, if a women have had cold, unattentive unsupportive dad she keeps on unconsciously choosing boyfriends who resemble these traits, so she can finally win over dad's love and attention in an attempt of rhealing their dysfunctional relationship and finally feeling loved and worthy. same goes with men. what such people sadly fail to recognize is that you can not fix yourself by interacting with another individual who has the same problem. you can not fix yourself by fixing others and you can not fix others if you can not fix yourself.
what it all has to do with buddhism?
i think it is crucial for any amateur buddhist to recognize why are you interested in buddhism? vajrayana does require mentally healthy and stable individual to practice its methods succesfully. if a neurotic person approach vajrayana with all those unresolved issues i have mentioned above with the expectation that vajrayana will finally make one wholesome, worthy, confident, content and full of love, acceptance and forgiveness for him/herself and others he/she is in for a potentially dangerous disappointment.
vajrayana is not designed as a substitute to psychoterapy to solve daddy/mommy issues, depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders etc. it may help, sure, but it can also cause lots of troubles. one example is mentally healthy individual will be able to discern and stay away from potentially abusive gurus, while mentally unstable individuals may fall an easy pray for such teachers. there may be other possible complications regarding advanced visualization techniques, deity yogas etc.
so i would advice anyone who is looking for perfect teacher, a very soon enlightenment and the immediate joy of relief from suffering to check their psychological background.
an easy way to check that is to answer these questions:
-was i raised in an adequate, mentally healthy family? my parents were positive, balanced, respectful, supportive and kind towards me? were they satisfied with themselves, their relationship and the way they live their lives?
-have i been often told they love me?
did they accept me the way i am without resolving to emotional blackmails, dismissive comparisons with other children or any other manipulations to express that i need to win over their love and validation?
-did they always respect my choices and consulted with me about my preferencies with food, clothes, etc?
-did they encourage my independence and show trust in me and my capabilities?
if your replies are mostly "no's", then it is highly likely you have issuess you need to be aware of before doing any serious vajrayana practices.
it doesn't mean anything wrong with you. it's just that you carry unnecessary baggage from your troubled parents. these are not your issues, its theirs. but you have a task now to learn how to accept and love yourself (and others) unconditionally, because your parents didn't show that at the time you was just a child, as they were absorbed with their own issues and troubles, they didn't know how to be affectionate, caring and attentive, so you haven't been loved than you needed it most. all that created certain negative conditioning you are now dealing with.
i hope all that doesn't come across as judgemental because there is none.
