Struggling with wanting someone to die

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Hazel
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Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Hazel »

Hello,

My parent-in-laws are varying degrees of impoverished, ill (physically and mentally), and all around bad people who are destructive to themselves and the people around them to an extreme degree.

I would be lying to myself and others if I were to say I didn't want them to die. I see what they put my spouse through and the problems that they cause and just fantasize about how much easier it would be for everyone if they weren't around.

I know I should feel compassionate for their situation. However, my wanting them to die is not just about ending their suffering, but about ending my spouses suffering, and perhaps on some selfish level ending my own discomfort. The last of which is horrible to admit, but I'd be outright lying if I denied it.

My father-in-law is currently in (yet another) health crisis and I can't help but feeling almost happy that he might die.

I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to counter them. I get that this sort of thing is perfectly normal and I am again focusing on my own discomfort and not theirs, but... bleh.

Any thoughts are appreciated. I talk to a therapist about this stuff regularly, but I could use some spiritual advice.

See you in the lower realms! :toilet:
Happy Pride month to my queer dharma siblings!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?
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PadmaVonSamba
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

I can totally understand that.
I’ve had similar feelings about people. I think it’s a lot more common than most people realize.
Every sentient being, including both you and the people you despise, without exception, actually want things to function harmoniously, correctly, as they see it, meaning that ultimately, the people you want dead are also doing the very things that irritate you because they think it will make everything right.

As the Buddhist saying goes, “All beings desire happiness”. But what does that really mean? The desire for “things to be right”, meaning non-turbulent, unbroken, content, fixed and resolved, fed, warm, healthy, etc. no pebbles in the shoe. Talking really basic here.

When ‘the wish for thing to be right’ arises as an expression of ignorance, it manifests as fear, anger, jealousy and all the experiences of the negative emotions. Wanting your in-laws to drop dead, for example.

When the very same desire for things to be good arises as an expression of enlightened mind, it manifests as bodhicitta, compassion, openness, peaceful non-turbulence of mind.

Tong Len (“Sending and receiving”) is a Vajrayana practice where you visualize the sufferings of others (and I think you’ll agree, these people you describe must be pretty miserable inside), visualize that as a stream of black smoke, which you absorb with all of your unlimited compassion, and you visualize warm, bright light radiating from you and filling the other people who are suffering.

I’m going to make a random guess that when you are around these dreadfully awful people, your heart races, your blood boils, and you just want to explode.

This is the energy that you visualize as bright light and send to them. In a sense, this is actually bodhicitta, the wish for all beings to be happy, but because it’s expressed in a non-enlightened way, it comes out as anger.

But even though you wish these people were dead, would you truly want to kill them? Would it actually make you feel good to torture them? I mean, really actually do it? Probably not(I hope not. And if it did, you should probably seek professional help). And if you really just want them to reform, but are convinced that will never, ever happen, then this is a good indicator that what you desire is actually positive, but manifesting as negative, because of your own frustration about the whole situation over which you have no control.

If you are unfamiliar with TongLen practice, I think you can find some instructions on the web.
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Hazel
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Hazel »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Thu Nov 26, 2020 1:17 am I can totally understand that.
I’ve had similar feelings about people. I think it’s a lot more common than most people realize.
Every sentient being, including both you and the people you despise, without exception, actually want things to function harmoniously, correctly, as they see it, meaning that ultimately, the people you want dead are also doing the very things that irritate you because they think it will make everything right.

As the Buddhist saying goes, “All beings desire happiness”. But what does that really mean? The desire for “things to be right”, meaning non-turbulent, unbroken, content, fixed and resolved, fed, warm, healthy, etc. no pebbles in the shoe. Talking really basic here.

When ‘the wish for thing to be right’ arises as an expression of ignorance, it manifests as fear, anger, jealousy and all the experiences of the negative emotions. Wanting your in-laws to drop dead, for example.

When the very same desire for things to be good arises as an expression of enlightened mind, it manifests as bodhicitta, compassion, openness, peaceful non-turbulence of mind.

Tong Len (“Sending and receiving”) is a Vajrayana practice where you visualize the sufferings of others (and I think you’ll agree, these people you describe must be pretty miserable inside), visualize that as a stream of black smoke, which you absorb with all of your unlimited compassion, and you visualize warm, bright light radiating from you and filling the other people who are suffering.

I’m going to make a random guess that when you are around these dreadfully awful people, your heart races, your blood boils, and you just want to explode.

This is the energy that you visualize as bright light and send to them. In a sense, this is actually bodhicitta, the wish for all beings to be happy, but because it’s expressed in a non-enlightened way, it comes out as anger.

But even though you wish these people were dead, would you truly want to kill them? Would it actually make you feel good to torture them? I mean, really actually do it? Probably not(I hope not. And if it did, you should probably seek professional help). And if you really just want them to reform, but are convinced that will never, ever happen, then this is a good indicator that what you desire is actually positive, but manifesting as negative, because of your own frustration about the whole situation over which you have no control.

If you are unfamiliar with TongLen practice, I think you can find some instructions on the web.
Wow. That was very insightful. Thank you!
Happy Pride month to my queer dharma siblings!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?
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Hazel
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Hazel »

Well, today may be the day. My father-in law is currently in a cycle of needing to be resuscitated.

I'm trying to be there for my partner the best I can.

Everyone dies, we all know this, but for some reason that doesn't make it easier for loved ones to cope.

I'm feeling so many emotions and I'm trying to let myself just feel them.
Happy Pride month to my queer dharma siblings!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?
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Hazel
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Hazel »

We got the call. Two people can visit. I'm staying behind at my partner's request so they don't have to worry about me waiting in the car.
Happy Pride month to my queer dharma siblings!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?
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Hazel
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Hazel »

And now he's dead, two months from when I first posted here about wanting it and feeling guilty about it.

May he have a favorable rebirth that leads to the cessation of his suffering.
Happy Pride month to my queer dharma siblings!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?
denise
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by denise »

hello all.....at this point, from experience, it's about.....Be careful what you wish for.....but, know you are not alone in the "Make the bad people go away...no....make them die!!" kind of thinking (is it a child's kind of thinking?).....the problem ls when those people expire your mind says...."Well, there ya go".....and then just ride that to death....say your sorry and don't do it again....but like ice cream.... :popcorn:
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Matt J
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by Matt J »

Do you know shitro?
Hazel wrote: Fri Jan 29, 2021 12:50 am And now he's dead, two months from when I first posted here about wanting it and feeling guilty about it.

May he have a favorable rebirth that leads to the cessation of his suffering.
"The world is made of stories, not atoms."
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kirtu
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by kirtu »

Matt J wrote: Sat Feb 27, 2021 4:39 pm Do you know shitro?
Hazel wrote: Fri Jan 29, 2021 12:50 am And now he's dead, two months from when I first posted here about wanting it and feeling guilty about it.

May he have a favorable rebirth that leads to the cessation of his suffering.
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You can always just visualize Amitabha Buddha bathing him in light and him going to Amitabha's heart and then being reborn in the Pure Lands. You can also recite Amitabha's mantra while doing this: OM AMI DEWA HRI.

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Zen Master Seung Sahn said, “That’s simple. Atomic bombs come from the mind that likes this and doesn’t like that.”

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reiun
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Re: Struggling with wanting someone to die

Post by reiun »

A family who became best friends of mine after moving into my old neighborhood, unbeknownst to them at first, bought a house where drugs had been sold and used. Worse, a murder had been committed in the front yard. Later learning of this, the mother and daughter lit incense and kinhin-ed (zen walking meditation) through the house. Sort of a cleansing.

Your house is where you probably struggled with those hard thoughts of your father-in-law the most. Maybe a similar, gentle, one-pointed-mind march might help?

Best wishes,
reiun
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