My death and the regret

[empting]

Often I ponder my death and realises that no matter what, I shouldnt die in regret

But notably I have strong regret towards verbally insult my teacher and later on he decided to block me all over the places. I cant even utter apology to him anymore

The second I regret is about my mother whom I always make her worry about me and me being poor unable to provide her a decent old life

Hence my vain life is told as a song of strong vengeance over life, the lifeless life I had never ever bring joy to anyone without causing harm to them later on. The sad path of being wisdomless and ignorance bringing unsatiated thirst of what world has to offer

Being let down by own capacity I hurt the world with my pain and thousand or millions suffer for me, the endless spiral of rebirth causing me to be firm to obtain nirvana

The nirvana of my mother being able to be healthy again and the nirvana of forgiveness from my teacher, is like a squirrel looking up to the moon obtaining the pearl of wisdom and desire to be happy

None but even a squirrel is living a healthy life unlike mine with them constantly fighting to survive while me dying to die and harming others to get killed

The pointless awakening and wandering in the wild in the middle of jungle to seek way out, similar to a man trying to catch the moon in the water

[tkp67]

I would be subject to the deepest hells after this life if it where based on my past actions alone.

I slighted someone and they past from this existence. The expression of their own nature was special, I denied it, I slighted it. I then dedicated my life to evoking that nature in my life out of respect. Their conscious may not be accessible via the vessel of their being but mine is here and minimally I can honor them there.

I do not believe these efforts to have been in vain nor do I think I would have had the cause to evoke them any other way. So I no longer question the past in regards to the bad I might suffer from it, rather I use it all as a cause to further my practice.

[cjdevries]

I can relate. My wrongdoings in this life are severe. I have hurt my teachers, my parents, it's heartbreaking. When I was young I misused a position of influence and hurt a lot of people. Thankfully, I have several moments that I can recall where I did the right thing despite the opportunity to do something wrong. I can think of times when I was young where I was with a group of guys doing something wrong and I was the only one who stood up and wouldn't do it. We have to focus on our good deeds. I can think of my dedication to help animals through charity work and preserving their lives through mindfulness when gardening, etc. May our virtuous deeds lead us and may those be the seeds that ripen. I too am striving for a better life and more wisdom so I can stop harming others.

[Ayu]

Yes. Everything is a matter of perspective.
Yours, empting, seems to be very one-sided right now. It's not all bad. Everything is only like a dream. We are dreamers in a world of multiple perspectives.

On a cloudy day you think the sun doesn't exist. I think, for every bad thought about yourself, you should look at one of your good deeds and qualities as well. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.
E.g. it's very nice from you that you even care about your mother. Not everybody is able to take care of the parents financially. I don't know many.

[empting]

Yes. Everything is a matter of perspective.
Yours, empting, seems to be very one-sided right now. It's not all bad. Everything is only like a dream. We are dreamers in a world of multiple perspectives.

On a cloudy day you think the sun doesn't exist. I think, for every bad thought about yourself, you should look at one of your good deeds and qualities as well. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.
E.g. it's very nice from you that you even care about your mother. Not everybody is able to take care of the parents financially. I don't know many.

actually i have mixed feeling about my mother

one time i told her that i wanted to suicide because i have no reason living. she replied "tell me when? and we do it together"

i feel extremely sad about this, because my mother didnt ask me why i choose to die but instead hoping to die with me

i feel there is little to no concern from her, its feels like she has regret to bear me, and my life turns even worthless after all the problems

i dont know how to react and simply brush her off

my other regret is about my brother, whom i bullied since young and he has been living under the shadow of my naughtiness. i wish i could do better for these people, but i cant seem to help even myself

but sometimes thinking that i live for others, the weight and baggage i have over myself is slowly put down, the sky is clearer and i feel a sense of usefulness

[empting]

I can relate. My wrongdoings in this life are severe. I have hurt my teachers, my parents, it's heartbreaking. When I was young I misused a position of influence and hurt a lot of people. Thankfully, I have several moments that I can recall where I did the right thing despite the opportunity to do something wrong. I can think of times when I was young where I was with a group of guys doing something wrong and I was the only one who stood up and wouldn't do it. We have to focus on our good deeds. I can think of my dedication to help animals through charity work and preserving their lives through mindfulness when gardening, etc. May our virtuous deeds lead us and may those be the seeds that ripen. I too am striving for a better life and more wisdom so I can stop harming others.

i have questioned this to my teacher about helping living beings.

My teacher told me that helping the person you hated the most gains the most merit.
First you have to be able to forgive him
Second you have to be able to understand him and put you on his shoes
Third you discard yourself and instead help them out of their ignorance

The merit is multiplied by many folds if you manage to do it properly.

As when helping animals, we are mostly harming them than helping them. In one text i was told, the best for animals is to let them lead their own lives. The more you meddle their lives, the more they are unable to have opportunity for right birth.

[PadmaVonSamba]

Look at the story of Kisa Gotami, whose child has died, and she asks the Buddha to restore the child’s life.
The Buddha tells her to first bring him a mustard seed from a house of a family that has never seen death.
She goes asking from house to house, to every house in the village, but in every house there has been a family member who died.
When she returns to the Buddha, with no mustard seed, she gets realization after he explains to her that death comes to everyone.

I think, regret is like that. Go find someone who doesn’t have some awful regrets. It’s just something you live with. If there’s a way to make up for it, to apologize or whatever, then do that. If it’s too late, if the person you offended is gone, then holding onto that regret just becomes a form of ego clinging, just another type of “me me me” fixation, ultimately. It’s lamenting the fact that after so many years of Dharma practice, one is still just an imperfect human being.

Likewise, you can go to every genuine Dharma master, every rinpoche, or roshi or whatever and ask if they ever had a student who didn’t upset them at least once. Ask them if they never regret a time they behaved towards their own teacher. What do you think they will tell you?

Also, consider, do we regret killing all the bugs that we have stepped on during our lifetimes? Usually, no. And we usually rationalize the difference by saying that our mother or our teacher meant much more to us than bugs did. That they showed us great kindness and so on. But again, that ultimately ends up being about “me”. Otherwise, are you saying it is okay to kill beings who don’t care about you, but wrong to offend those who do?
No, you would probably not say that.

I have a lot of serious regrets. But I have also tried to be good to others. It is your basic, core, underlying intention as a human being that matters, not the mistakes that you make along the way, thinking that those mistaken actions would make you feel better. Keep in mind, that 99.9999% of all harmful actions by sentient beings are done for exactly the same reason: we think that action will bring us some kind of satisfaction. Even your mother, even your teachers, have made serious mistakes and carry regrets with them.

It’s better to acknowledge that we have done bad things, live with the fact that we are not perfect, and move on, and focus on dharma practice, and bring the mind to a peaceful state. Christians ask for forgiveness from a god. You can ask for forgiveness from those you hurt, if it suits you, and then do some kind of beneficial actions on their behalf. But beating yourself over the head forever is not practicing the Dharma teachings, which are that all beings wander foolishly and painfully through samsara. Everybody’s regret is different, but nobody’s regret is unique.

...

[Jeff H]

Does reliving all the things we wish we hadn’t done help anyone? Our past will never, ever change. Wallowing in guilt is very different than regret.

Regret is a positive recognition that we’ve behaved badly and we can do better. Behaving better begins by attuning the mind to the way we would rather behave. Our present is constantly changing, so we nudge it.

10d. It is indeed a matter of the mind itself.

11. Where could beings, fishes, and the rest,
Be placed to keep them safe from being killed?
Deciding to refrain from every harmful act
Is said to be transcendent discipline.

(Emphasis added)

[Rinchen Dorje]

Empting,
try to look at it like this..you found the Dharma and recognize its worth, right? That in and of itself is HUGE. Wallowing in guilt and regret does nobody any good and wastes this precious lifetime. Use the energy of the regret/guilt to practice Dharma for all living beings..nothing more compassionate than that, right? So make up your mind and get at it brother..

[Bundokji]

You might be a bit too harsh on yourself, empting.

The Buddha taught:

There never was, there never will be, nor is there now, a person who is wholly blamed or wholly praised.

[empting]

You might be a bit too harsh on yourself, empting.

The Buddha taught:

There never was, there never will be, nor is there now, a person who is wholly blamed or wholly praised.

I am to be blame for being naughty and does not listen to my mom

Now I am unable to give her grandchildren because I like guy

Ths torture is immense being in this state that I am drown in admiring stronger or better people

I am in such depth of pit now, wishing to relive my life but its impossible. Having no self respect after dad abuse causing me to be problematic wherever I go. And people become oblivious and taking chance knowing my guilty character

I will be guilty for whatever it is accused to me, and because of this I am hard to stand up for myself and relive my life

I sometimes think I am done, and my mother and brother and teacher whom I let down can no longer be recovered. Much known to me that my self should be discarded now, I am happy to find Dharma whom recognise importance of self and compassionately selfless

I always thought my timid character is selfless, but it just a way for me to run away from reality and responsibility.

Given enough wisdom now, I want my mother to be happy, but is unable to give her what she needs. She is mentally sick because of me and my abusive words to her when I was unawaken. Right now forgiveness seem far fetched that she could get healthy again

[Bundokji]

I am to be blame for being naughty and does not listen to my mom

Now I am unable to give her grandchildren because I like guy

Ths torture is immense being in this state that I am drown in admiring stronger or better people

I am in such depth of pit now, wishing to relive my life but its impossible. Having no self respect after dad abuse causing me to be problematic wherever I go. And people become oblivious and taking chance knowing my guilty character

I will be guilty for whatever it is accused to me, and because of this I am hard to stand up for myself and relive my life

I sometimes think I am done, and my mother and brother and teacher whom I let down can no longer be recovered. Much known to me that my self should be discarded now, I am happy to find Dharma whom recognise importance of self and compassionately selfless

I always thought my timid character is selfless, but it just a way for me to run away from reality and responsibility.

Given enough wisdom now, I want my mother to be happy, but is unable to give her what she needs. She is mentally sick because of me and my abusive words to her when I was unawaken. Right now forgiveness seem far fetched that she could get healthy again

I am sorry that you feel this way. However, i owe you what i believe to be true.

Being overly concerned about the harm you did to others can be a form of selfishness even if you do not recognize it as such. While recognizing ones faults and shortcomings is praiseworthy, the aim is to improve and to learn, not to indulge in self-pity or Self-flagellation.

As you decided to post your input on the "Dying and Death" forum, i suggest you read the Salla sutta. It might help you to die to your own grief. In it, the lord Buddha reminds us that to grieve is in vain:

"Unindicated and unknown is the length of life of those subject to death. Life is difficult and brief and bound up with suffering. There is no means by which those who are born will not die. Having reached old age, there is death. This is the natural course for a living being. With ripe fruits there is the constant danger that they will fall. In the same way, for those born and subject to death, there is always the fear of dying. Just as the pots made by a potter all end by being broken, so death is (the breaking up) of life.

"The young and old, the foolish and the wise, all are stopped short by the power of death, all finally end in death. Of those overcome by death and passing to another world, a father cannot hold back his son, nor relatives a relation. See! While the relatives are looking on and weeping, one by one each mortal is led away like an ox to slaughter.

"In this manner the world is afflicted by death and decay. But the wise do not grieve, having realized the nature of the world. You do not know the path by which they came or departed. Not seeing either end you lament in vain. If any benefit is gained by lamenting, the wise would do it. Only a fool would harm himself. Yet through weeping and sorrowing the mind does not become calm, but still more suffering is produced, the body is harmed and one becomes lean and pale, one merely hurts oneself. One cannot protect a departed one (peta) by that means. To grieve is in vain.

"By not abandoning sorrow a being simply undergoes more suffering. Bewailing the dead he comes under the sway of sorrow. See other men faring according to their deeds! Hence beings tremble here with fear when they come into the power of death. Whatever they imagine, it (turns out) quite different from that. This is the sort of disappointment that exists. Look at the nature of the world! If a man lives for a hundred years, or even more, finally, he is separated from his circle of relatives and gives up his life in the end. Therefore, having listened to the arahant,[1] one should give up lamenting. Seeing a dead body, one should know, "He will not be met by me again." As the fire in a burning house is extinguished with water, so a wise, discriminating, learned and sensible man should quickly drive away the sorrow that arises, as the wind (blows off) a piece of cotton. He who seeks happiness should withdraw the arrow: his own lamentations, longings and grief.

"With the arrow withdrawn, unattached, he would attain to peace of mind; and when all sorrow has been transcended he is sorrow-free and has realized Nibbana.

[Jeff H]

You do not need your mother’s forgiveness. You need to forgive your father and, far more importantly, forgive yourself. Forgiving does not mean condoning or forgetting bad things. It means breaking out of the prison you have made for yourself.

I am in such depth of pit now, wishing to relive my life but its impossible.

It seems that when you say “relive” you mean “do over”. In that case, yes, it is absolutely impossible. In my previous post I used “relive” to mean “replaying” the past in the mind over and over and over again. That is not only possible, you’re doing it. That is a prison and it can parallyze you.

By “forgiving” I mean that you have to allow yourself to accept that all those bad things actually happened and can never be undone. In my opinion your sexual orientation is not a “bad thing”, but if you are stuck feeling bad about it for any reason (like no grandchildren) then you make yourself incapable of living here and now in the present. This is what I meant by “wallowing in guilt”.

In the present moment you can take steps to gradually create a more positive future. But you have to let yourself out of jail first. It starts by changing your mind.

[Minobu]

this might sound harsh...but you are awash in guilt....please don't think you feel guilt from being gay...
guilt is useless , it means you really are not trying to put something behind you, which sometimes is the only right thing to do.

the only value in this moment for you, is it is obvious you have deep compassion...otherwise you would not give a shit...so we manifest various forms of guilt.

most of us have been where you are ..maybe not as much stuff all at once...

with meta