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Ardha wrote: ↑Tue Jan 12, 2021 8:03 amI fear that in not being obvious enough I’ll never get a boyfriend and live happily ever after (please don’t laugh) and that the older I get the more time I’m losing out on and it will eventually be too late. Or what if I mess up like the first time (I still have regret about how I hurt him)? What if I can’t do enough to make them stay, what if my sex drive isn’t enough for them?
These fears are real enough, but they have nothing to do with being gay. Straight people feel exactly the same fears. This is just learning to get through life. Treat people with kindness and integrity. In a Buddhist context, avoid sexual misconduct: do not do it without your partner's consent; do not do it with a minor or someone who cannot consent; do not break a vow (yours or the partner's) of exclusivity.
It’s only recently I stopped treating the gay=bad thing as a given.
That is the only part of this that is related to being gay. There is nothing inherently bad about being gay. It is only bad if you do it badly.
I know that straight people have the same fears but i think it’s different for gay people. It’s sort of compounded more by the limited options and the fact that we are a minority in the population so those fears seem more real than the straight folks. I mean you are far more likely to find a straight partner if you are straight than if you are gay due to the various factors I have to contend with on top of dating already being rough. But straights get more opportunities though which can lead to eventual success while it’s not the same with being gay.
I don’t think it’s right to compare this with the straight struggle. While they do struggle as well gay people have to content with a far more limited pool of partners which means it’s less likely than straight people to find a match. It’s not the same at all
Love yourself and find some supportive people. A good therapist or LGBTQ support group may help. Don't forget to practice and show yourself compassion.
Homage to the Precious Dzogchen Master
Chögyal Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche
I don't really know how to practice and show myself compassion. In fact I mostly end up shutting myself down a lot. The word NO is used a lot and to be honest I can't remember the last time I felt happy or love.
It's terrible to be in a place where you think "I don't deserve this" when not depressed, speaking from experience. I won't "It gets better you," because "It can get better" IMO is a better message.
Then, the monks uttered this gāthā:
These bodies are like foam.
Them being frail, who can rejoice in them?
The Buddha attained the vajra-body.
Still, it becomes inconstant and ruined.
The many Buddhas are vajra-entities.
All are also subject to inconstancy.
Quickly ended, like melting snow --
how could things be different?
The Buddha passed into parinirvāṇa afterward. (T1.27b10 Mahāparinirvāṇasūtra DĀ 2)
Yeah. To be honest it's hard to remember what joy or love even feel like anymore. I've been so used to saying NO to myself all the time, mostly because I end up listening to what other people say because I don't have a different answer to them or I'm afraid to be wrong. Everything just sounds like NO, and the only memories I have are topics that hurt me or tell me why something is pointless to do.
It's even so bad that I feel guilty for feeling happy because that means I'm choosing to live in ignorance.
Ardha wrote: ↑Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:37 am
Yeah. To be honest it's hard to remember what joy or love even feel like anymore. I've been so used to saying NO to myself all the time, mostly because I end up listening to what other people say because I don't have a different answer to them or I'm afraid to be wrong. Everything just sounds like NO, and the only memories I have are topics that hurt me or tell me why something is pointless to do.
It's even so bad that I feel guilty for feeling happy because that means I'm choosing to live in ignorance.
I hope you cognitively know that feeling unhappy is the same level of ignorance, and more important it's no reason to blame.
Ardha wrote: ↑Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:37 am
Yeah. To be honest it's hard to remember what joy or love even feel like anymore. I've been so used to saying NO to myself all the time, mostly because I end up listening to what other people say because I don't have a different answer to them or I'm afraid to be wrong. Everything just sounds like NO, and the only memories I have are topics that hurt me or tell me why something is pointless to do.
It's even so bad that I feel guilty for feeling happy because that means I'm choosing to live in ignorance.
I hope you cognitively know that feeling unhappy is the same level of ignorance, and more important it's no reason to blame.
I don't know, you often get a lot of phrases about the truth cutting like a knife or saying that the truth hurts or that ignorance is bliss. It seems to be prevalent that truth hurts and there is a lot of portrayal of people denying reality just to feel better. It's hard for me not to feel the same way.
Ardha wrote: ↑Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:37 am
Yeah. To be honest it's hard to remember what joy or love even feel like anymore. I've been so used to saying NO to myself all the time, mostly because I end up listening to what other people say because I don't have a different answer to them or I'm afraid to be wrong. Everything just sounds like NO, and the only memories I have are topics that hurt me or tell me why something is pointless to do.
It's even so bad that I feel guilty for feeling happy because that means I'm choosing to live in ignorance.
I hope you cognitively know that feeling unhappy is the same level of ignorance, and more important it's no reason to blame.
I don't know, you often get a lot of phrases about the truth cutting like a knife or saying that the truth hurts or that ignorance is bliss. It seems to be prevalent that truth hurts and there is a lot of portrayal of people denying reality just to feel better. It's hard for me not to feel the same way.
I meant happy and unhappy as well are samsaric conditions. Which means, it's wise to be cautious about happy/unhappy, take it with a grain of salt - but it's not a "no no" and nor reason for beating oneself up. It happens, because we are not Buddhas yet. Therefore noone is to blame for being unwisely happy.
Better understandable? Or did I cause a mess now?
That made even less sense than before. Unwisely happy? So being happy is a bad thing now? I'm supposed to just say NO to anything I like now or wanting a better life for myself?
Ardha wrote: ↑Mon Feb 01, 2021 12:15 am
That made even less sense than before. Unwisely happy? So being happy is a bad thing now? I'm supposed to just say NO to anything I like now or wanting a better life for myself?
Then I got you wrong. What did you say here?
It's even so bad that I feel guilty for feeling happy because that means I'm choosing to live in ignorance.
muni wrote: ↑Mon Feb 01, 2021 12:17 pm
Wanting to remain happy, or longing to be happy, that easy results in disatisfaction, unhappiness.
But this means not stay sitting in the nettles.
My teacher says that working toward unconditional happiness or enlightenment does not mean you have to totally foresake conditions for temporary happiness. He says you can enjoy both but it is important to remember that conditional happiness is unreliable and temporary. It relies on conditions that are not permanent and constantly changing or dissolving so if your happiness depends on those conditions your happiness will go up and down along with conditions. Unconditional happiness is something we can work toward through meditation study and contemplation as well as working with a teacher. However this teacher is speaking from a Vajrayana perspective and other teachers may say different things.
All beings want to be happy and do not want to be unhappy. This is a cause for compassion love and mutual understanding. However ordinarily people seek happiness only in conditions (new best stuff instead of working with the mind) which is not the best way to go about it
This still sounds to me like I shouldn’t bother trying to make things better. I vaguely remember somewhere it being said that one shouldn’t bother with such everyday things be used they don’t bring lasting happiness.
And let’s say I do get unconditional happiness, does that mean that I won’t want to do anything else or try to strive for things in this world? Then what’s the point of going on?
And how do you have compassion for yourself when you don’t even feel it for anyone but yourself. That to turn it inward is just blankness? I’m trying to understand here but it’s not really clear.
Ardha wrote: ↑Mon Feb 01, 2021 6:42 pm
This still sounds to me like I shouldn’t bother trying to make things better. I vaguely remember somewhere it being said that one shouldn’t bother with such everyday things be used they don’t bring lasting happiness.
And let’s say I do get unconditional happiness, does that mean that I won’t want to do anything else or try to strive for things in this world? Then what’s the point of going on?
And how do you have compassion for yourself when you don’t even feel it for anyone but yourself. That to turn it inward is just blankness? I’m trying to understand here but it’s not really clear.
How so? You can have conditional happiness while working for unconditional happiness. They don't have to be all or nothing one or another.
People say many different things. Not all of it will apply to you. Sometimes it will be outright wrong. Important to consult with a qualified teacher who can help you out.
If you have unconditional happiness then you will be untouchable. Whether you are living in hollywood or on the streets you will be happy. Doesn't mean you can't arrange circumstances to be beneficial to self and others but, if you can be happy regardless of what happens which can often be out of our control... Doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.
What do you mean about having compassion for yourself when you don't feel it for anyone but yourself? Are you saying that you only feel compassion for yourself and therefore you cannot have compassion for yourself? I do not understand
Ardha wrote: ↑Mon Feb 01, 2021 6:42 pm
This still sounds to me like I shouldn’t bother trying to make things better. I vaguely remember somewhere it being said that one shouldn’t bother with such everyday things be used they don’t bring lasting happiness.
And let’s say I do get unconditional happiness, does that mean that I won’t want to do anything else or try to strive for things in this world? Then what’s the point of going on?
And how do you have compassion for yourself when you don’t even feel it for anyone but yourself. That to turn it inward is just blankness? I’m trying to understand here but it’s not really clear.
You seem to be a very polarized thinker. It's ok, we all are to one degree or another, but maybe it's worth questioning that tendency a bit. That kind of thinking is what's known as a cognitive distortion in modern Psychological parlance:
Basically, If you approach everything as being two mutually exclusive choices, you cannot approach even the basic mundane reality of a situation, let alone any higher principle. You are just caught up in your own internal dialectic, all the time, and you miss what people are saying. In this case, it also seems like you are perhaps not terribly familiar with "the basics" of Buddhism and are struggling to understand what people mean due to simple lack of familiarity. It might be worth reading a book or two on foundational Buddhist concepts. I think earlier I recommended Eight Mindful Steps To Happiness, I'd again say to check it out.
Meditate upon Bodhicitta when afflicted by disease
Ardha wrote: ↑Mon Feb 01, 2021 6:42 pm
This still sounds to me like I shouldn’t bother trying to make things better. I vaguely remember somewhere it being said that one shouldn’t bother with such everyday things be used they don’t bring lasting happiness.
And let’s say I do get unconditional happiness, does that mean that I won’t want to do anything else or try to strive for things in this world? Then what’s the point of going on?
And how do you have compassion for yourself when you don’t even feel it for anyone but yourself. That to turn it inward is just blankness? I’m trying to understand here but it’s not really clear.
How so? You can have conditional happiness while working for unconditional happiness. They don't have to be all or nothing one or another.
People say many different things. Not all of it will apply to you. Sometimes it will be outright wrong. Important to consult with a qualified teacher who can help you out.
If you have unconditional happiness then you will be untouchable. Whether you are living in hollywood or on the streets you will be happy. Doesn't mean you can't arrange circumstances to be beneficial to self and others but, if you can be happy regardless of what happens which can often be out of our control... Doesn't sound like a bad deal to me.
What do you mean about having compassion for yourself when you don't feel it for anyone but yourself? Are you saying that you only feel compassion for yourself and therefore you cannot have compassion for yourself? I do not understand
KN
Apologies, that was a mistype. I meant to say how can you feel compassion for yourself when you feel it for everyone except yourself.