New here with question on Gay

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Ardha
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

Caoimhghín wrote: Wed Jan 06, 2021 11:27 pm
Ardha wrote: Wed Jan 06, 2021 9:37 pmThe problem I have is that the hatred feels right.
Why, especially as a Buddhist? There are despicable people in society that the Buddha does not say it is "right" to hate.

Low self-esteem and/or self-hate always wants to justify itself. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and a very nice but do-nothing-about-it mother. My sister messed herself up with drug-induced psychosis in her teens. I did a lot of extremely risky sexual behavior in my teens, figuring it was inevitable that I would end up a dirty gross homeless dick-sucking addict anyways. But this is actually your abuser talking. Maybe your abuser was not a person, maybe your abuser is yourself, but either way don't take abusers' advice concerning you, what you deserve, and what you are capable of. The metaphorical little voice that says "You creep" is an abuser who lives in your head. You can evict him.
But it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:54 am
Caoimhghín wrote: Wed Jan 06, 2021 11:27 pm
Ardha wrote: Wed Jan 06, 2021 9:37 pmThe problem I have is that the hatred feels right.
Why, especially as a Buddhist? There are despicable people in society that the Buddha does not say it is "right" to hate.

Low self-esteem and/or self-hate always wants to justify itself. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and a very nice but do-nothing-about-it mother. My sister messed herself up with drug-induced psychosis in her teens. I did a lot of extremely risky sexual behavior in my teens, figuring it was inevitable that I would end up a dirty gross homeless dick-sucking addict anyways. But this is actually your abuser talking. Maybe your abuser was not a person, maybe your abuser is yourself, but either way don't take abusers' advice concerning you, what you deserve, and what you are capable of. The metaphorical little voice that says "You creep" is an abuser who lives in your head. You can evict him.
But it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
It sounds like you could use the help of a mentor in the gay/queer/lgbtixkshjdehwhatever community, to be honest. I imagine it's not easy finding the right person but I have talked to acquaintances who told that me mentors in their community made all the difference to getting past the baggage enough to move on with confidence. I know it sounds terribly cliche, but there are support resources and whatnot.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Brunelleschi »

Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:54 amBut it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
Hey now, don't be so hard on yourself. Gay people aren't more "degenerate" than straight people.

It seems to me you're showing some thought patterns such as self loathing and guilt which are common symptoms of depression. I think at this stage, perhaps the best thing you could is to contact a clinician for therapy. Obviously it's not possible to do a diagnosis via an internet forum - but I do have a MA in Psychology.

If you don't feel like seeing a therapist - do you have any other support system? Close friends, family? Can you do some activities to get your mind off these thoughts?
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

Johnny Dangerous wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 9:34 am
Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:54 am
Caoimhghín wrote: Wed Jan 06, 2021 11:27 pm
Why, especially as a Buddhist? There are despicable people in society that the Buddha does not say it is "right" to hate.

Low self-esteem and/or self-hate always wants to justify itself. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and a very nice but do-nothing-about-it mother. My sister messed herself up with drug-induced psychosis in her teens. I did a lot of extremely risky sexual behavior in my teens, figuring it was inevitable that I would end up a dirty gross homeless dick-sucking addict anyways. But this is actually your abuser talking. Maybe your abuser was not a person, maybe your abuser is yourself, but either way don't take abusers' advice concerning you, what you deserve, and what you are capable of. The metaphorical little voice that says "You creep" is an abuser who lives in your head. You can evict him.
But it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
It sounds like you could use the help of a mentor in the gay/queer/lgbtixkshjdehwhatever community, to be honest. I imagine it's not easy finding the right person but I have talked to acquaintances who told that me mentors in their community made all the difference to getting past the baggage enough to move on with confidence. I know it sounds terribly cliche, but there are support resources and whatnot.

I've tried that before with support groups and meet ups, but it only made the feelings worse. I did everything in my power to avoid being like them, to avoid linking myself in any way with these "people". Instead of helping me connect they had the opposite effect.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

Brunelleschi wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 4:30 pm
Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:54 amBut it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
Hey now, don't be so hard on yourself. Gay people aren't more "degenerate" than straight people.

It seems to me you're showing some thought patterns such as self loathing and guilt which are common symptoms of depression. I think at this stage, perhaps the best thing you could is to contact a clinician for therapy. Obviously it's not possible to do a diagnosis via an internet forum - but I do have a MA in Psychology.

If you don't feel like seeing a therapist - do you have any other support system? Close friends, family? Can you do some activities to get your mind off these thoughts?
I understand that most would think this is depression but no, it isn't. These feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay. In regards to all other aspects of my life I'm fine.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Brunelleschi »

Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pmI understand that most would think this is depression but no, it isn't. These feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay. In regards to all other aspects of my life I'm fine.
Ok, nice to hear that. I only wrote it because it's seems very taxing to walk around with these thoughts.

From a Buddhist POV, "being gay" is not that big of a deal. Just like Malcolm, who's very knowledgeable, wrote in a previous post.

Furthermore, most Western Buddhists are progressives so I highly doubt anyone in the Buddhist sphere would judge you in any way. Of course, it's possible to live in celibaby if we so choose.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ayu »

There is one married gay man and one lesbian couple in our Buddhist community. I never heard of any problems for them. They're fully accepted, happy and confident.
For the benefit and ease of all sentient beings. :heart:
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pmThese feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay.
I think, from a Buddhist perspective, the whole notion of you “being” this or that is what’s getting in the way.
Why?
Because essentially you are solidifying a notion of self, and from that, grasping into that, and then either liking or not liking this concrete identity which after all is only a projection of your own mind.

As an analogy, I have a preference for spicy food. Yet, I don’t establish “spicy food eater” as an identity to reckon with, to either accept or reject. Why should “I like a certain type of genitalia” be any different from “I like a certain type of food” if you don’t turn it into some kind of facet of your identity?

Of course, in the historical context of the struggle for acceptance and equality, the LGBTetc. community, as with any marginalized group, has had to coalesce and establish identity as a “thing”.

But, on a purely personal level, the whole idea of
“I AM this” or “I AM that”
(even “I AM Buddhist”) if solidified, can just get in the way of you being freely able to be true to yourself. Labels are for products, not people.

If you break it down, really pinpoint what you have a negative reaction to, rather than just sticking a label on yourself that you don’t like, you may be able to cut through a lot of obstacles.

It might make more sense to just say something like, “sometimes I want physical intimacy, and when I do, it’s either someone who is the same (down there) as me”.
There’s no label there, no flags, no identities.
EMPTIFUL.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pm
Brunelleschi wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 4:30 pm
Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:54 amBut it doesn't feel like abuse. In my mind I guess I could call it not being gay. It's going to any length to prove to myself I'm not like those degenerates. Anything that shows toughness or strength and not that soft and squishy nonsense of being gay.

Granted though this is terribly stereotypical and not indicative of how people are at all, but in to me anything to avoid being gay is a good thing. BUt then I find myself liking storying with LGBT characters and reading about them, so....

I'm sort of lost on what I'm going for. I know I said that. I guess help. But I guess I'm worried about the after. Worried about conflict with other people if I do accept and embrace this. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict and starting something, not sure I want to do that now...but things change.
Hey now, don't be so hard on yourself. Gay people aren't more "degenerate" than straight people.

It seems to me you're showing some thought patterns such as self loathing and guilt which are common symptoms of depression. I think at this stage, perhaps the best thing you could is to contact a clinician for therapy. Obviously it's not possible to do a diagnosis via an internet forum - but I do have a MA in Psychology.

If you don't feel like seeing a therapist - do you have any other support system? Close friends, family? Can you do some activities to get your mind off these thoughts?
I understand that most would think this is depression but no, it isn't. These feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay. In regards to all other aspects of my life I'm fine.
That wouldn't make it not depression, it would just be depression centered around being gay.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

-James Low
Ardha
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

PadmaVonSamba wrote: Fri Jan 08, 2021 6:10 pm
Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pmThese feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay.
I think, from a Buddhist perspective, the whole notion of you “being” this or that is what’s getting in the way.
Why?
Because essentially you are solidifying a notion of self, and from that, grasping into that, and then either liking or not liking this concrete identity which after all is only a projection of your own mind.

As an analogy, I have a preference for spicy food. Yet, I don’t establish “spicy food eater” as an identity to reckon with, to either accept or reject. Why should “I like a certain type of genitalia” be any different from “I like a certain type of food” if you don’t turn it into some kind of facet of your identity?

Of course, in the historical context of the struggle for acceptance and equality, the LGBTetc. community, as with any marginalized group, has had to coalesce and establish identity as a “thing”.

But, on a purely personal level, the whole idea of
“I AM this” or “I AM that”
(even “I AM Buddhist”) if solidified, can just get in the way of you being freely able to be true to yourself. Labels are for products, not people.

If you break it down, really pinpoint what you have a negative reaction to, rather than just sticking a label on yourself that you don’t like, you may be able to cut through a lot of obstacles.

It might make more sense to just say something like, “sometimes I want physical intimacy, and when I do, it’s either someone who is the same (down there) as me”.
There’s no label there, no flags, no identities.
That....actually makes a lot of sense.

Truth be told, what bothers me the most about this is not really being gay but the hate and difficulty that sometimes surrounds it. That being born like this doesn't have to be hard but people make it hard and I hate it. I guess that's what gets to me. That I can't be as open as straight guys are when they like someone, or how if I compliment a guy for being hot it's like rolling a die.

So I guess it's not the thing itself I hate, because I actually do enjoy the sex once I get out of my head and other aspects. It's the hate that gets to me and the absurd logic behind it.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by PadmaVonSamba »

Ardha wrote: Sat Jan 09, 2021 7:52 am
PadmaVonSamba wrote: Fri Jan 08, 2021 6:10 pm
Ardha wrote: Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pmThese feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay.
I think, from a Buddhist perspective, the whole notion of you “being” this or that is what’s getting in the way.
Why?
Because essentially you are solidifying a notion of self, and from that, grasping into that, and then either liking or not liking this concrete identity which after all is only a projection of your own mind.

As an analogy, I have a preference for spicy food. Yet, I don’t establish “spicy food eater” as an identity to reckon with, to either accept or reject. Why should “I like a certain type of genitalia” be any different from “I like a certain type of food” if you don’t turn it into some kind of facet of your identity?

Of course, in the historical context of the struggle for acceptance and equality, the LGBTetc. community, as with any marginalized group, has had to coalesce and establish identity as a “thing”.

But, on a purely personal level, the whole idea of
“I AM this” or “I AM that”
(even “I AM Buddhist”) if solidified, can just get in the way of you being freely able to be true to yourself. Labels are for products, not people.

If you break it down, really pinpoint what you have a negative reaction to, rather than just sticking a label on yourself that you don’t like, you may be able to cut through a lot of obstacles.

It might make more sense to just say something like, “sometimes I want physical intimacy, and when I do, it’s either someone who is the same (down there) as me”.
There’s no label there, no flags, no identities.
That....actually makes a lot of sense.

Truth be told, what bothers me the most about this is not really being gay but the hate and difficulty that sometimes surrounds it. That being born like this doesn't have to be hard but people make it hard and I hate it. I guess that's what gets to me. That I can't be as open as straight guys are when they like someone, or how if I compliment a guy for being hot it's like rolling a die.

So I guess it's not the thing itself I hate, because I actually do enjoy the sex once I get out of my head and other aspects. It's the hate that gets to me and the absurd logic behind it.
There’s always going up be social disapproval popping up here and there like weeds, in reaction to whatever doesn’t match up with how the majority of people live or experience things.

On the other hand, compared with how things were even 30 years ago, the hetero world has opened up considerably. Being gay really isn’t that big of a deal (in general - there are still haters) compared with what it was.

At the same time, there’s a long way to go, and comparing “now” with “then” is also not really an accurate way of seeing things. It’s like saying, “a few minutes ago your entire leg was on fire, but now look how much better things are, only your foot is on fire”.

But this problem rests on the shoulders of society as a whole. It shouldn’t be your burden. You are just being who you are, and it’s up to the rest of the world to deal with it or not (hence the slogan popular in the 1980s: “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!”).

There’s another aspect to this which can also be looked at from a Buddhist perspective, which is that in establishing “me” in the mind (ego, self-grasping) we pass judgement over ourselves, we pass judgement over others, and we allow others to pass judgement over us.

That results in feeling adequate, inadequate good enough or not good enough, and so on. When others criticize us, we become defensive; when others praise us, our egos get inflated. Either way, the fixation on “me” intensifies. Likewise, when we praise or criticize others. Putting others down makes us feel higher up; praising others occurs is always because how they manifest lines up with our own self-identity qualities. (There’s nothing bad about that per se, if you are an honest person, you appreciate the honesty in others. The point here is about ego-clinging). And another aspect to that one is that the only reason why we worry about how others view us is because we judge them too. We basically say, “I deem this person to be someone whose opinion of me matters” but we rarely ask why their opinion of us matters. We unconsciously elevate others to the position of judge, and then concern ourselves with whether we live up to their standards or not. How absurd is that!

And when we either praise ourselves or hate ourselves, these too are just fixations on the “me” experience that we solidify and spend so much effort on preserving, having things our way all the time, and avoiding whatever threatens that.

So, if one practices not judging others, not letting others judge them, and not passing judgement over oneself, I think there’s a lot of freedom to be gained, because then you can simply just “be” without “being” this person or that person.
EMPTIFUL.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Könchok Thrinley »

:good: Thank you for that Padma von Sambha.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by KathyLauren »

I fit into several of the letters in the LGBTQ+ "alphabet soup". And I have been a Buddhist for more than 40 years. There is no contradiction there.

There is nothing in Buddhism that says it is not okay to be gay. But there are teachings that say it is not okay to hate yourself. We are taught to treat all beings with compassion. Obviously, that includes others, but it also includes yourself.

The advice above, which you have stated yourself, to see a therapist is excellent. Self-hatred is a tough nut to unpack, and you may need another set of eyes and ears to help you do that.

Some questions that you should ask yourself, and that you should check out with the therapist might be:
What do you gain from hating your gayness? Is it self-respect? Is it the respect of someone else (even if that person is no longer in your life)? What do you gain from pretending to be straight and macho?

I know from personal experience that pretending to be something that you are not is quite destructive. If you are gay, that is neither good nor bad. If you are pretending not to be gay, the pretense can be very harmful.

I wish you good luck in unravelling this predicament.

Om mani padme hum
Kathy
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Johnny Dangerous »

I think you also should not blame yourself for your social conditioning, nor your feelings regarding the unfair social aspects of being gay. I mean, feeling x y or z way about being gay is only up to you to a certain degree. You can see a part of that it, and have some control over your thoughts, but our present vision only allows so much control. That, combined with that fact that being frustrated or angry about some of the things you are is totally normal.

Parts of the karmic soup of "being gay" are below the surface, you can work with them over time, but you probably can't just turn off your habitual tendencies because you don't like them, ...well, at least you shouldn't, plenty of Buddhists try that forced approach, and call it "non-attachment". And again, being frustrated with dealing with the social implications of being gay is normal.

I don't have personal experience with it, but I suspect you should cut yourself some slack.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by KathyLauren »

:good:
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

KathyLauren wrote: Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:39 pm I fit into several of the letters in the LGBTQ+ "alphabet soup". And I have been a Buddhist for more than 40 years. There is no contradiction there.

There is nothing in Buddhism that says it is not okay to be gay. But there are teachings that say it is not okay to hate yourself. We are taught to treat all beings with compassion. Obviously, that includes others, but it also includes yourself.

The advice above, which you have stated yourself, to see a therapist is excellent. Self-hatred is a tough nut to unpack, and you may need another set of eyes and ears to help you do that.

Some questions that you should ask yourself, and that you should check out with the therapist might be:
What do you gain from hating your gayness? Is it self-respect? Is it the respect of someone else (even if that person is no longer in your life)? What do you gain from pretending to be straight and macho?

I know from personal experience that pretending to be something that you are not is quite destructive. If you are gay, that is neither good nor bad. If you are pretending not to be gay, the pretense can be very harmful.

I wish you good luck in unravelling this predicament.

Om mani padme hum
Kathy
It's not really the being straight or macho part really. Well maybe some of it to be honest. I didn't want to be this way because not only society but in general it seems harder to date. A guy hitting on a girl faces less risk than me if I were to guess wrong on a guy. It's a lot of little things, sometimes I feel like life would have been better/easier if I wasn't this way and it makes me a little sad some times. Another part of me would change nothing.

It's getting a little better as the shame slowly but surely fades the more I combat it. I'm seeing that it's not facts that it's rooted in and reminding myself that I have done nothing wrong and being gay is not good or bad but simply IS.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

MY question though becomes how do I reconcile being gay without fixating on it? It seems like not thinking about it would be denying I am that way, yet I don't want to end up obsessing over it either.
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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Kim O'Hara »

Ardha wrote: Sun Jan 10, 2021 1:50 am ... I didn't want to be this way because not only society but in general it seems harder to date. A guy hitting on a girl faces less risk than me if I were to guess wrong on a guy. It's a lot of little things, sometimes I feel like life would have been better/easier if I wasn't this way and it makes me a little sad some times. ...
In a rare moment of revelation, a gay friend of mine once told me he didn't know a single gay person who didn't, at least sometimes, wish he was hetero. I'm pretty sure this is what he was talking about.
Bear in mind that he was in his 50s, happy in his job, living in a fairly conservative small city.
:thinking:
Ardha wrote: Tue Jan 12, 2021 2:09 am MY question though becomes how do I reconcile being gay without fixating on it? It seems like not thinking about it would be denying I am that way, yet I don't want to end up obsessing over it either.
Do you reconcile your nationality without fixating on it? Your hair colour? Your favourite foods? Your secret indulgence in (I don't know so I will guess) Swiss chocolate?
In other words, there is really no need to think you have to choose between obsessing and denying. There's a huge range of attitudes in between, and they are all okay.

:namaste:
Kim
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Re: New here with question on Gay

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Ardha wrote: Tue Jan 12, 2021 2:09 am MY question though becomes how do I reconcile being gay without fixating on it? It seems like not thinking about it would be denying I am that way, yet I don't want to end up obsessing over it either.
You can learn to let thoughts be with basic meditation instruction, how to let them have enough space that you can let them go sometimes, but it really takes practice. I think the thing is to be natural here, be gay in the way that makes sense for your situation. As no two gay people are the same, there is not some standard you need to meet or way you need to be, there's no How To Be Gay manual...well, I'll bet there is but you get my meaning. You are doing fine.

I think very few people are reconciled with who they are, the human condition (AKA the first noble truth in Buddhism) is to feel constant lack, no matter how the pieces shift.

So maybe it's less about accepting who you are, and more about accepting that you will never be totally satisfied, and that it is ok to live with your baggage. I'm quite sure there is a way for you to find some more peace with being gay of course, just saying that contentment with oneself, for whatever it's worth is often about letting go of constant expectations.

Some of the AA folks used to say "expectations are resentments waiting to happen". This is never truer than having unrealistic expectations for oneself.
"...if you think about how many hours, months and years of your life you've spent looking at things, being fascinated by things that have now passed away, then how wonderful to spend even five minutes looking into the nature of your own mind."

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Re: New here with question on Gay

Post by Ardha »

I’m trying to process this advice.

You are right. There is no way to be gay and there is merit to that and you are correct. Though in my mind there is much to let go. I fear that in not being obvious enough I’ll never get a boyfriend and live happily ever after (please don’t laugh) and that the older I get the more time I’m losing out on and it will eventually be too late. Or what if I mess up like the first time (I still have regret about how I hurt him)? What if I can’t do enough to make them stay, what if my sex drive isn’t enough for them?

Ugh...I feel silly having read this stuff back to me but it’s on my mind a lot. I’ve spent a good deal of my life alone and making friends never panned out. I never fit in places and I worry a lot about the future and what to do next. This gay thing is just one part, but it’s a big one. It’s only recently I stopped treating the gay=bad thing as a given.

Though I would be lying if I said it wasn’t frustrating to live like this, to be attracted to men but the odds of them feeling the same are slime. Life in the US is easier if you’re straight in some ways, but it’s slowly getting better. And yeah, some days I wish I was straight. But I’m not, such as it is.
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