Ardha wrote: ↑Sat Jan 09, 2021 7:52 am
PadmaVonSamba wrote: ↑Fri Jan 08, 2021 6:10 pm
Ardha wrote: ↑Thu Jan 07, 2021 8:33 pm
These feelings are only in regard to this one topic, being gay.
I think, from a Buddhist perspective, the whole notion of you “being” this or that is what’s getting in the way.
Because essentially you are solidifying a notion of self, and from that, grasping into that, and then either liking or not liking this concrete identity which after all is only a projection of your own mind.
As an analogy, I have a preference for spicy food. Yet, I don’t establish “spicy food eater” as an identity to reckon with, to either accept or reject. Why should “I like a certain type of genitalia” be any different from “I like a certain type of food” if you don’t turn it into some kind of facet of your identity?
Of course, in the historical context of the struggle for acceptance and equality, the LGBTetc. community, as with any marginalized group, has had to coalesce and establish identity as a “thing”.
But, on a purely personal level, the whole idea of
this” or “I AM
(even “I AM
Buddhist”) if solidified, can just get in the way of you being freely able to be true to yourself. Labels are for products, not people.
If you break it down, really pinpoint what you have a negative reaction to, rather than just sticking a label on yourself that you don’t like, you may be able to cut through a lot of obstacles.
It might make more sense to just say something like, “sometimes I want physical intimacy, and when I do, it’s either someone who is the same (down there) as me”.
There’s no label there, no flags, no identities.
That....actually makes a lot of sense.
Truth be told, what bothers me the most about this is not really being gay but the hate and difficulty that sometimes surrounds it. That being born like this doesn't have to be hard but people make it hard and I hate it. I guess that's what gets to me. That I can't be as open as straight guys are when they like someone, or how if I compliment a guy for being hot it's like rolling a die.
So I guess it's not the thing itself I hate, because I actually do enjoy the sex once I get out of my head and other aspects. It's the hate that gets to me and the absurd logic behind it.
There’s always going up be social disapproval popping up here and there like weeds, in reaction to whatever doesn’t match up with how the majority of people live or experience things.
On the other hand, compared with how things were even 30 years ago, the hetero world has opened up considerably. Being gay really isn’t that big of a deal (in general - there are still haters) compared with what it was.
At the same time, there’s a long way to go, and comparing “now” with “then” is also not really an accurate way of seeing things. It’s like saying, “a few minutes ago your entire leg was on fire, but now look how much better things are, only your foot is on fire”.
But this problem rests on the shoulders of society as a whole. It shouldn’t be your burden. You are just being who you are, and it’s up to the rest of the world to deal with it or not (hence the slogan popular in the 1980s: “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!”).
There’s another aspect to this which can also be looked at from a Buddhist perspective, which is that in establishing “me” in the mind (ego, self-grasping) we pass judgement over ourselves, we pass judgement over others, and we allow others to pass judgement over us.
That results in feeling adequate, inadequate good enough or not good enough, and so on. When others criticize us, we become defensive; when others praise us, our egos get inflated. Either way, the fixation on “me” intensifies. Likewise, when we praise or criticize others. Putting others down makes us feel higher up; praising others occurs is always because how they manifest lines up with our own self-identity qualities. (There’s nothing bad about that per se, if you are an honest person, you appreciate the honesty in others. The point here is about ego-clinging). And another aspect to that one is that the only reason why we worry about how others view us is because we judge them too. We basically say, “I deem this person to be someone whose opinion of me matters” but we rarely ask why their opinion of us matters. We unconsciously elevate others to the position of judge, and then concern ourselves with whether we live up to their standards or not. How absurd is that!
And when we either praise ourselves or hate ourselves, these too are just fixations on the “me” experience that we solidify and spend so much effort on preserving, having things our way all the time, and avoiding whatever threatens that.
So, if one practices not judging others, not letting others judge them, and not passing judgement over oneself, I think there’s a lot of freedom to be gained, because then you can simply just “be” without “being” this person or that person.
An inward outlook develops outward insight.