I got some news today. I am trying to be clear why I am going to tell you about this. I am not sure I am looking for advice and it isn’t quite a vent on my part . I don’t think it is just wanting sympathy either . It is hard to put into words. Perhaps, I should also add here that I have been wishing for another alternative than going into a high-rise senior/disabled apartment.
My sister told me that she asked her husband for a divorce. There have been problems. At this point, it looks like it is going to happen. I did not bring up the idea of moving in with her, but felt that she would bring it up if it was something that she was considering. I have brought it up in the past in a half joking way about moving in with her should her husband leave.
She and my niece asked me to go out this evening for a bite to eat. My niece told me that they wanted to talk to me about something. They did talk about the possibility of me moving in on a trial basis (after my brother-in-law moves out).
I know that they were both surprised that I did not act more enthusiastic about it. One of the first points my sister made was that one thing that bothered her was my Buddhist stuff. She said that since I would be paying rent, what I did/had in my own room was up to me, but that she didn’t want it anywhere else. Now, I have to say that this is a very loose paraphrase because I was in shock from the beginning of what she said and it pointed out to me very clearly that the place wouldn’t be mine.
Now, you have to understand, I would never have put a statue or anything anywhere else in the house, except maybe a book if my eyes ever get better and I was in the process of reading it. What bothered me is that she had to bring that up and that by doing so in the way she did, it felt like a condemnation of who I am and what I believe.
Things going through my head.
I have become a closet Buddhist.
I don’t want to be a closet Buddhist.
I had a home once where I could practice and be who I was openly.
“I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion”. Henry David Thoreau
“Be careful what you wish for, because it might come true.”
Back to the conversation I sort of was numb after she had said that and I really couldn’t get pass her words on that. I do know that I found myself realizing that I didn’t think I would like living there and as I think of it now, I am aware that there may be hard feelings if I should say, “no”. I am actually hoping that they reconcile and that the offer will be taken off the table.
There were other things mentioned that didn’t sit too well. It feels like I will be used according to needs but expected not to have them myself. I think I would end up spending a lot of time alone in my room for privacy and the room feels smaller, though I don’t know for sure if it is, than the bedroom I have here now. I would also be sharing the house with a dog and cat. I wish like heck I had never given anyone the idea of my living there!
You know, my late husband had his faults and my life was not perfect, but sometimes you never know how good you had it or how bad it can get until things change. i am going to make another wish, but a more specific one. I won't hold my breath waiting for it to come through though....