Help/Advice With Aversion!

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O'seeker
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Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby O'seeker » Sat Sep 04, 2010 7:57 am

I cannot practice outside of being alone because of intense aversion.
I always feel like EVERYONE is trying to screw me over somehow.
I believe most of this was caused by experiences with the bad women I had in my life.

What view should I hold about people in general? How can I change this? I am always so defensive, closed off, and thick-skinned... Almost like Ebenezer Scrooge.
This has been going on for years and I do not know how to change it.

I just cannot see the good in people anymore and if I think I should try, then I think I will be taken advantage of somehow.
Any advice?

Sanghamitta
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Sanghamitta » Sat Sep 04, 2010 8:20 am

It is a fact that some people can only approach meditation practice after a course of counselling or therapy.
Only you can decide whether that would be appropriate for you.
In the practice of Buddhadhamma there is usually no direct approach to these issues as in western psychology.
More frequently we are advised to turn the light of awareness on what is arising...anger, aversion...even positive states and stay with them and watch them change. And how they arise. This is not easy. It requires perseverance and ideally , support from others attempting to work the same process.
You may want to investigate Metta practice also.
best wishes..

Valerie.
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.

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Ben
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Ben » Sat Sep 04, 2010 9:33 am

I suggest you get some help with regard to your attitude regarding women.
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

5heaps
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby 5heaps » Sat Sep 04, 2010 12:01 pm

A Japanese man has been arrested on suspicion of writing a computer virus that destroys and replaces files on a victim PC with manga images of squid, octopuses and sea urchins. Masato Nakatsuji, 27, of Izumisano, Osaka Prefecture, was quoted as telling police: "I wanted to see how much my computer programming skills had improved since the last time I was arrested."

Hoo
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Hoo » Sat Sep 04, 2010 12:55 pm

I have had a similar situation. In my case, there were a number of painful events in my life and I used them as the "reason" for becoming angry and cynical. I had aversion, but it was ill-will that was my primary. Aversion was a way to prevent hurt or pain, but the ill-will was my protector, in a way. Angry cynic described me best.

In January last year I had an over the top anger episode and decided that was too much. I was drawn to Buddhism, the practice in particular, not the philosophy. I knew my solution was to become calm, not to study someone's words on calm, except the Buddha's words, of course.

In time, I saw that my old enemies were all gone and there was just me to be an enemy to myself - and I was still doing it. A kind soul had pointed me toward the Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path. Another mentioned the Kalama Sutta, which was central for me. I discovered the quote from the Buddha,"Come and see..." So I did. I began to practice and eventually to meditate.

Some other things began to get my attention. One was the Brahma Viharas, the four immeasurables of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. The Buddha was these ways, I wasn't :) I thought that was a pretty good lesson for me.

Another thing that got my attention was the concept of emptiness. I could see it at work sometimes in my interactions. I won't try to explain it because that would take a while. But there is one aspect that struck me - the label is not the thing. The things, events, etc., usually have no meaning outside what someone has attached to it. We paste labels on things, then react to the label......the guy who cuts me off in traffic didn't do it to make me mad, he's just late. He isn't a ^%#@#$% like I think he is - another label. I don't really "hate it when that happens." But I can choose to hate, or to just let it be an empty event.

I have nothing to teach, especially in Buddhism, so please take my descriptions as just examples of things that I do. They seem to help me and I hope that they might be of some use to you. Feel free to take them or leave them, they are just my views and limited experience. There's a bunch of others here who can offer advice and suggestions. My caution would be to see what the Buddha says about it, too.

My other caution is to remember that everyone, IMHO, is in a different place on their path, and their opinions reflect that. Opinions are like noses, everybody's got one. Some are more attuned to where they are than others. Some are more able to speak to where you are than others. I sometimes think the Buddha foresaw the internet when he taught the Kalama Sutta :)

Hoo

Hoo
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Hoo » Sat Sep 04, 2010 1:37 pm


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Goedert
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Goedert » Sat Sep 04, 2010 3:04 pm


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m0rl0ck
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby m0rl0ck » Sat Sep 04, 2010 5:11 pm

“The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling.” ― Robert M. Pirsig

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tiltbillings
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby tiltbillings » Sat Sep 04, 2010 8:18 pm

Given what you say here and in the misogynist thread you started that was removed, therapy probably is not an option, but rather a necessity.

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Vepacitta
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Vepacitta » Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:56 am

Therapy might help - and there are therapists who are strongly Buddhist based.

Perhaps what could be helpful would be a good female therapist - I"m thinking perhaps nd older, mother-ly type therapist - she'll be a woman - but not someone you'd be attracted to - which could help you with your particular issues and help you to see that women are just people too. Some are nice, some are shitty- just like people everywhere.

V.
I'm your friendly, neighbourhood Asura

Terasi
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Terasi » Sun Sep 05, 2010 12:21 pm


Hoo
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Hoo » Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:03 pm

Hi Terasi,

"I guess what happened is, I have unconsciously changed my face expression and speech. People then sense that I am ok to approach."

Something similar has happened to me. There have been a couple of times I had what felt like "Aha! moments" in my practice. They left me with a stupid smile on my face and others noticed it quickly. Mostly in the stores, where competition for time use and cart position can get intense (chuckle), people would make it a point to catch my eye and smile too, little kids wanted to smile at me, etc. Like you say, I had become approachable - where before I was apparently sending out "keep your distance" signals.

It was great, but as tilt is fond of saying, it's just another thing to get over (or words to that effect). My version is more like, "Good or bad, it's gone now, so let it go). In this case, it was fun but it's as impermanent as all the rest. Letting it go is what frees me :)

Hoo, just sharing my experience in hopes someone finds it useful.

Kenshou
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby Kenshou » Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:54 pm

I used to be a much grumpier person than I am, and there's one main thing that helped me change that. Being angry, bitter, etc. is stressful, it's unpleasant to bear, it's dukkha. It doesn't help anything, in fact more often than not it just leads to more problems. Better to just put it down.

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O'seeker
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Re: Help/Advice With Aversion!

Postby O'seeker » Tue Sep 14, 2010 12:10 am

Thank you for you answers.


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