Jikan wrote:When you insist on going your own way and avoiding a teacher, you are putting a deluded person in charge of your development: yourself.
Would you give yourself a dental filling? A colonoscopy? No: you'd trust a competent person for that. Similarly for Buddhist practice.
For the OP, there are particular challenges that need to be addressed. But as a general rule, it's much better to practice with others and with a capable teacher if you want to get some results.
Something better than the BAD ANALOGY you presented.
Could you teach yourself enough to give yourself a colonoscopy? It hardly seems impossible.