Transcendent Awareness or am I really just crazy?

[Grand Poo Bah]

I'm a 49 year old "disabled" person in opposition to diagnosis Dissociative Disorder or more familiarly expressed, Multiple Personality Disorder. In some sense I'm seeking some sense of realization from the standpoint of reflection on the issues presented and Buddhist view as a manner of gaining perspective for reflection concerning my experiences as the profundity of them presents issues of consideration that feel transcendent although my, what Buddhists might refer to as "skillfulness", is something I might indicate I work creatively within in exclusion of Buddhist view or in some sense of vast view orientation of being of human life and rounds of birth and death.

In this post I am including a recent post from my blog: http://sreruditio.wordpress.com/ for anyone interested in reading more about the story of my odyssey as I refer to it.

Player of All Manners of Human Kindness

A journey I might realize no human being could possibly imagine, outside of what I share, includes how I'm realizing the oddity of my position. In some sense of true grandiosity I know as if I've released my mind and a global realization is what it is incurring pertaining too self and human kindness being the what is transcended by those whom rightfully guide us as one, I mean, in terms of my experience and description of it.

In some sense, I'm diagnosed against Dissociative Disorder and it's of mundane presence that I transcend. Basically, Dissociative Disorder as I view it, is something I'm beyond in consideration of human reality fabrication within false realties of lies and deceit or cruel belligerence pertaining to contemporary human character. In some sense what I'm hoping to explain, although maybe purely delusional in line with my diagnosis, includes an aspect of the story of my odyssey which indicated that I'm allowing a transcendence of all human life in light of one pointedness in which all beings whom rightly represent us in manners of human guidance are orienting themselves creationly to incur a contemporary orientation in start of a global realization and in some sense for no other reason but to save the world, through me one pointedly.

The irony of being me in my position, pertaining to contemplation and absurd things difficult to describe. The absurdity being the range of human experiences associated with Dissociative Disorder understood fairly eloquently by definition. In some sense most people might be familiar in recalling understanding associated with Multiple Personality Disorder and also included of such considerations of black outs when one lives in absence of being present or some sense of immediate not knowing as if just haven worken up when one returns to self consciously.

Combined, the two orientations of consideration present ideas as to how one might understand a general waking nature as to whom is guiding self in reference too how one expresses oneself pertaining to manners of guidance where one isn't blacked out but of such injury or brokenness that ones guides must effort at maintaining a rightful guidance while beings that are wrongfully embodied and in representation of other people and views, take advantage of such any human being, many of whose rightful guides have fallen from the sky such that the human being might be considered one whom has fallen and possibly of the silent bottom line. People whom are worked through by other people criminally concerning causal reality and self empowerment.

In some sense of describing I view myself as a Drama Artist. Along the way, about 6+ years into my odyssey it became apparent that the best way I and my guides and beings whom respected me for who I am concluded that the most effective way I was able to improve human reality evolutionally was when disappointing people and others in conduct of body, speech and mind. To explain, it's a manner of which people seem, as I perceive, too milk me of beauty in kind with my transcendent knowing while degrading the truth of whom I am in light of the criminal whom malign and sufferage me while imposing fabricated view mentalities that don't represent my mind of sick orientations that rather than describing will leave up to readers imagination. Thus, in some sense describes the nature of being outcase from human society, many of whom become homeless, alcoholic, criminal and/or mentally challenged. An orientation also includes that I was completely innocent of views associated with innocent until about 2 and a half years ago of which is characteristic of people mistreated in such criminal manners, criminal as considered in light of there being no good that presents a better good than that of an innocent person of which people hide the wrongs of which they effect human reality.

In my experience, the irony of being a loving compassionate human being and watching the spectacle of how responded too be the general population, it's as if the innocence of the norm presents the obvious in which people seem to deceive themselves as to representing human nature as if worthy people of good fortune.

The fun things, for me, despite enduring the weight and measure of hell for about 10 years now and pertaining to being present to beings within me or beings that I embody as I understand proper orientations to my experience. Knowing whom they are and involved in the existence of human life as our guides. A fun manner of consideration included Drama Artistry of what incurs in my life by the nature of awareness which I am knowingly present to those of whom embody me, including those whom I don't associate with or are opposed to my best interests as if to sweep me under the rug or steel the beauty of the nature of my self including some sense of sending me to hell with hell and for no good reason in some manner of hoping to accurately describe my experience.

[catmoon]

You're really just crazy.

But that does not mean you cannot have a Buddhist practice. If you are willing to acknowledge the greater wisdom of those who have gone before you, you can learn from the Buddhas and boddhisattvas of the past, implement their recommendations, and do what we all do - try to work with the limitations life has imposed upon us. But if you insist on being a Buddha, and being recognized as such, I cannot see how any progress would be possible.

[gregkavarnos]

There are just too many adjectives and not enough commas, semi colons and full stops, in what you are writing for me to make any sense.

Want to dumb it down a bit for the "slow of wit" among us? Please? Then maybe we can be of some assistance to you.

Welcome to Dharmaweel by the way!

[White Lotus]

Grand Pooh Bah,

i hope you will find much help from your explorations of Dharma and spiritual discovery, if you seek help, you will be strengthened and helped by your studies. best wishes, Tom.

ps. knowledge gives you power in your life to endure difficulties. ten years of hell sounds really bad. tc.

[Grand Poo Bah]

Thanks for the replies. In some sense a big issue pertains to human nourishment in light of rightful human abiding in that I'm all alone and causally outcast or opposed energetically while in the presence of other human beings where issue as to the nature of truth and stuff like "good vs bad". And my/the odyssey so poignantly exists in my experience pertaining to beings of realms and dimensions of those realms all coinciding in some sense contemporarily pertaining to the way things are in my presence, if that makes sense.

In my odyssey, the issues immediately include and address issues associated with Creation, how people are guided and the fate of Creation on Earth, among many others, anything actually, all issues concerning existing of the Earth Environment (pertaining to the Solar System). Whats awkward includes the vast, ominous beyond comprehension orientation to abiding and journeying of the solar system concerning beings that seem to journey that far in balance with those that exist of the Underworld and/or Enlightened Society, the awkward part presenting orientations associated with issues concerning all that I'm explaining including the fortunes associated with reference to a human being participating in such circumstances, me.

So, for me, incurring circumstances alone includes issues of intent and resolve which includes Buddhism in light of all and all manners of human kindness. How can I say this? Corresponding, talking with and such, with people includes issues of evolution, including Creation (the verb) as I experience things in reference to mind and reality in acknowledgement of cause and effect.

In acknowledgement of word usage, as I've recollected, it seems I was innocent by the time I was 14 and I hadn't any notion of innocence until about 30 months ago at the age of 46.

There are just too many adjectives and not enough commas, semi colons and full stops, in what you are writing for me to make any sense.

Want to dumb it down a bit for the "slow of wit" among us? Please? Then maybe we can be of some assistance to you.

The issue of my odyssey including such thorough circumspect to word usage, importantly considering issues of skillfulness, including a simplicity of which so little need be expressed in light of the whole of living but more on the nature and intent on living being of importance, thus expressed views of words, the variance and many ways in with communication is expressed between human beings has created a bit of a collage of overlapping issue that aren't sortable if only because everyone holds a complexity of views almost as if the sensuality of being of view presents a manner of grasping that holds avoidance of awakening in reality if not for the simple fact that one pointedness in reference to a particular human beings presents a key to beauty only within our imagination.

This is where what seems like absurdity comes in, importantly acknowledged, an intended grandiosity that balances the need. In my odyssey I so thoroughly and blatantly and poignantly intend one pointedness that in some sense it feels as though if I'm responded to caringly, for example, I'm really curious as to what would come to be, in some sense if not just to resolve the issues which have been presented in the course of my odyssey, issues being addressed in my case as a manner of resolving indifferences.

Like, just the basic witnessing of my experience of what I've called hell, includes very obviously simple resolution to the problems which do result in hell or in my case, Samsara and Purgatory. It's really ironicly humorous in some senses of viewing actually. Of importance is the/my odyssey in terms of the beings involved. In some sense of the vast, ominous and beyond comprehension, a drama is being played and it might be expressed of a manner of all souls being played out, histories ancestors having regained birthrights to Earth and the Solar System. In brief, beings of Creation on Earth that had been enduring Eternity, sometimes on end, have been relieved and reintegrated with the solar system thus a balance of Civilization and society throughout the Solar System pertaining to the Earth Environment and pertaining to my odyssey in that the words 'I'm knowing beyond innocence' seem to ring true and I'd like to make the careful inquiry as to what extent might beauty become reality.

[Adamantine]

No one can tell you if you are crazy or in "transcendent awareness" from your posts on an anonymous internet forum.

However, if you are really sincere in what you write, and not just messing around, then it seems you may be highly confused. At the very least, what you are writing, and the way you are writing it, are both highly confusing to others.

If the goal is to communicate, to be understood, I suggest you slow down and make a greater effort to communicate in a more conventional fashion. Language forms can be played with to a point for purposes of poetry and art for example, but in your case I would think you would want to be understood thoroughly, and responded to accordingly. If that is true, then try to stick to basic facts and write in simple short sentences. Don't concern us with your theories of the solar system, or innocence. Maybe just start with telling us the most basic information about yourself: so far we know

A. you are 49 years old
B. you have been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder/ Multiple-Personality Disorder.

Everything else you write loses a sense of grounding. What is more, --I followed the link to your blog and it has exactly the same text as your first post here. It would be appreciated if you would write posts specifically for this forum, not cut-and-pasted from your blog. Please keep them simple, short and easy to understand so that people here can try and understand, and respond in the best way possible. This may be difficult, but for the sake of communication please try to conform as much as possible to standard sentence structures and punctuation, as Greg has already requested.

[Nosta]

Since buddhism can be overhelming sometimes, specially when one suffers from a mental problem (depression for example), i would advise 3 things (and this is not the opinion of a specialist! just my humble opinion):
- practice a simple form of buddhism, like Pure Land, since it demands only recitation and concentration while doing that
- search for a real Buddhist Teacher. But be ware, because there are many liars outthere. Try to find a real tutor that can guide you trough your journey on buddhism;
- find a good psychiatic doctor that can help you and even advise you about buddhism; a buddhist doctor would be even better.

[Dechen Norbu]

No one can tell you if you are crazy or in "transcendent awareness" from your posts on an anonymous internet forum.

However, if you are really sincere in what you write, and not just messing around, then it seems you may be highly confused. At the very least, what you are writing, and the way you are writing it, are both highly confusing to others.

If the goal is to communicate, to be understood, I suggest you slow down and make a greater effort to communicate in a more conventional fashion. Language forms can be played with to a point for purposes of poetry and art for example, but in your case I would think you would want to be understood thoroughly, and responded to accordingly. If that is true, then try to stick to basic facts and write in simple short sentences. Don't concern us with your theories of the solar system, or innocence. Maybe just start with telling us the most basic information about yourself: so far we know

A. you are 49 years old
B. you have been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder/ Multiple-Personality Disorder.

Everything else you write loses a sense of grounding. What is more, --I followed the link to your blog and it has exactly the same text as your first post here. It would be appreciated if you would write posts specifically for this forum, not cut-and-pasted from your blog. Please keep them simple, short and easy to understand so that people here can try and understand, and respond in the best way possible. This may be difficult, but for the sake of communication please try to conform as much as possible to standard sentence structures and punctuation, as Greg has already requested.

[catmoon]

Since buddhism can be overhelming sometimes, specially when one suffers from a mental problem (depression for example), i would advise 3 things (and this is not the opinion of a specialist! just my humble opinion):
- practice a simple form of buddhism, like Pure Land, since it demands only recitation and concentration while doing that
- search for a real Buddhist Teacher. But be ware, because there are many liars outthere. Try to find a real tutor that can guide you trough your journey on buddhism;
- find a good psychiatic doctor that can help you and even advise you about buddhism; a buddhist doctor would be even better.

I really like this advice, it seems likely to work.

Also, it has been said that


All unhappiness comes from seeking one's own happiness,
All happiness comes from seeking the happiness of others.

[wisdom]

the words 'I'm knowing beyond innocence' seem to ring true and I'd like to make the careful inquiry as to what extent might beauty become reality.

Beauty can become reality to a great extent.

[Sönam]

I know I can be stupid and also much criticized because of expressing it, but honestly I do not know what really mean that "Personality Disorder" so often used ... specially in the states. I make no opinion on the OP, it's just that I try to understand a notion so often used by peoples claiming they are so, like it would be an identity, like it would have a sense.
Personality Disorder would imply that it exists a Personality Order ... if that "order" would exist, it would mean that it would only exist "one" personality type, corresponding to a specific order. What would be that "one figure" order which would not be taxed of disorder? Is it not that there is no order, so all type of personality is by definition a disorder? By definition a personality is it not a disorder? To assess the existence of Personality Disorder implying the existence of a Personality Order, would'nt that be a disorder in itself?
You see I have many questions on the question ... maybe some of you or sufficiently ordered to bring me an answer? or is it too much off topic?


Sönam

[Adamantine]

You see I have many questions on the question ... maybe some of you or sufficiently ordered to bring me an answer? or is it too much off topic?


Sönam

From Wiki:

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a psychiatric diagnosis and describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities (known as alters or parts), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.
In the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems the name for this diagnosis is multiple personality disorder. In both systems of terminology, the diagnosis requires that at least two personalities (one may be the host) routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be the temporary effects of drug use or a general medical condition.[1] DID is less common than other dissociative disorders, occurring in approximately 1% of dissociative cases,[2] and is often comorbid with other disorders.[3]
There is a great deal of controversy surrounding the topic of DID. The validity of DID as a medical diagnosis has been questioned, and some researchers have suggested that DID may exist primarily as an iatrogenic adverse effect of therapy.[4][5][6][7][8] DID is diagnosed significantly more frequently in North America than in the rest of the world.[9][10]

[Sönam]

Thank you Adamantine, it answer to my questions ... for a part, not to all.
"DID is diagnosed significantly more frequently in North America than in the rest of the world." ? Is that because psychanalists do not use the same criteria than somewhere else? ... or does American civilization generates that? or is it that it does not exist but has been created by American experts for certain reasons? Therefore is it not more easy for someone declared DID to live outside the states, would'nt it be the way to cure the disease? ...

Sönam

[Sönam]

When I'm with my grand kids, I become a kid, playing like a kid, speaking like a kid, fighting with others kids, and so on. When I am with my partner I can become a very sexy man, sweet and aventurous. Being in a professionnal environment, I am a strong man, better than others. With friends I can be poetic flying with words ... am I a DID?
When I am in one of these personalities, I just forget the other ones ... am I DID?
When I generate a deity and become the deity, am I DID?

[Grand Poo Bah]

Hi Sonam, your questions present answers that I'm rather familiar with although my experience and life leave me to address the issue differently or non-professionally. Firstly, I worked as a Psychiatric Counselor of about 5 years on locked psychiatric wards. Secondly, my Psychologist leaves me with the diagnosis of DD not DID, the difference being no "Identity" confusion or something, pertaining to the diagnosis. In this sense there are other issues I'm intending to address in this thread which require some time of contemplation. Also, my case is atypical as the problem stems from having blindly visited a cult of which maligned me from my pleasantly innocent life around age 38, otherwise said, I'm blatantly and poignantly aware of the differences associated with my atypical orientation as from the start it was very obvious that it was beings whom present a contact with the human being of whom are wrongfully present in my life, very cruel and belligerent beings as I view them and at the behest of people whom fabricate such circumstances.

In leu of my experiences, I approach a view or opinion of which I'm not sure I'll distinguish my view from opinion. Basically, what I've realized by hearing differently, so to speak, is that all human beings have 3 primary guides of which the first stays on for a time starting as third most trusted guide and as time passes the first leaves following a developmental period too be replaced by the second most trusted guides. Each of these mentioned guides was hand picked, so to speak, prior to birth of whom have been journeying and abiding with the person over so much time.

Of issue is Root Origin or location of which the being/person arrived in orientation from the Galaxy and is born in location and balance with location of Galaxy pertaining to Religious view and from there, as contemporary I understand the norm is 15 life times with altered considerations for such issues concerning the fate of Creation on Earth if people don't change the way Creation is being destroyed.

Basically, what I understand is that speech effects how we are guided, something most people seem to orient self to concerning self and other. What happens is people malign other peoples guides from rightful manners of guidance and a wrong guide becomes part of the mix of which there are many varied ways, of mention being that also guiding human beings include 18 ancestral descendants and from there guides are oriented angelically in acknowledgement of Angelic presence.

Thus, in some sense of explaining such beings that are wrongfully present to human guidance present manners of extents of harmony with the persons conduct and behavior sometimes displacing the person as self from awareness or presence to extents of blacking. It is such reasons that people my go postal or become criminal in many cases. Concerning America, in some sense, evolution of reality has forced the issue upon the home of the free in part because of the freedom and creativity of which lacks clarity of conduct.

What's beyond your question and seemingly fairly ridiculous, in reference to dramas associated with the story of my odyssey, includes issues of something to the effect of standing for good or ones good fortune, which is seemingly complex in reference to manner in which such issues can be viewed or envisioned. In brief, no human population would willingly and knowingly destroy so much of Creation so abruptly if guided properly but, well, the story plumes into dynamics and realms of beings of issue concerning civilization and society throughout the Solar System, in some sense all vying for the fortunes associated with Creation on Earth of which, in the information of my witnessing, there are some beings whom represent an ultimatum which blatantly seems to be forcing people to destroy Creation on Earth if for no other reason because they have not faired well.

Again, although seeming ridiculous, I view the manner of being that is the problem to be exemplified in the TV show Star Trek , if for no other reason to make things simple, of whom are portrayed as "Ferengi" while of issue concerning a resolution to the problems reveals, in the story of my odyssey, that people whom were of Spain about 2,000 years ago, whom have journeyed to the USA predominantly have seemingly been living lives as some manner of devout Christian, people of the Bible Belt, people whom practice Theodicy (a horrific practice on the whole based on the whole of the ugly it insights). Thus, in some sense, if there is any truth to the story of my odyssey, globally it would be the good vs Papaceedents to overcome the problem.

In some sense the dynamics include the fact that Papaceedents, people of whom the Pope works through, so to speak, in some way serve the Ferengi, they're Gods and such, as a manner of not holding them accountable thus, in some sense, the truth and reality of the human "race" is presented in a very ugly drama of which I prefer to dissolve from reality in light of considerations of human "kindness" and the Slow Movement here in the US.

Oh, sorry for digressing but literally, what I'm explaining reaches beyond the Galaxy and our universe, nothing I would have steered my imagination too as I often hear things in knowing or knowage better expressed, in light of the hell I've been through, all (in general) of which seems all too real as if my inability to avoid such cognizance of issue was left subject to the truth of the issues or the truth of the story that somehow seems to transcend the issues in truth, unless I'm mistaken.

[gregkavarnos]

That is either completely brilliant or completely insane! It does not seem to be Buddhism though, that's for sure. As soon as you talk of a beginning, Buddhism goes out the door.

But don't torment yourself over it. Hell, this is samsara, everything here is suffering. Everybody/thing here is suffering. If your realisations lead you to more suffering (and it's pretty clear that they do) , then they are not "real" realisations (transcendent awareness), just more samsaric fodder.

As for your illness, my advice to you is to keep going for professional help and to keep taking your medication. Many people make the mistake of stopping their medication because they have a period of lucidity, but psychiatric illnesses (as you well know) are cyclic, if you stop taking medication and the illness comes back fast and strong you will not realise that it's time to take your medicines again and you may end up locked up for a while until they "stabilise" your condition. I am 100% sure you know this, just a friendly reminder.

[LastLegend]

The dark side of things are that most of us still continue to do bad things through body, speech, and mind. But the good news is we can learn to change our thinking and behavior through meditation and keeping conducts-things such as how we live, how we talk, how we interact with others, etc. That's how we change.

Yes, you have understood the bad habits of sentient beings. And Buddhism teaches us to change those habits.

[Grand Poo Bah]

I'm sorta at a loss. I feel a lot a depth in peoples responses. Literally, writing in forums effects my experience pertaining to the issues associated with the beings present as the societal experience of mindful awareness in the presence of many beings of different realms, dimensions of those realms and wow, I sorta know it like the back of my hand as a manner of explaining the suggesion or presumption that I've insight into things people generally aren't familiar with and well, rather than asking, ya, I feel to be of transcendent awareness.

No, I don't take medication, as I explained, I'm beyond barriers that keep people from awareness of what incurs mental illness. While I literally do hear voices and yes, they do speek english as it's the only language I speek. The story includes that in consideration of my participation in my/the odyssey, I am guide to all the beings whom regained birthrights (including; pertaining to procreation issues) too all the beings whom did so on Earth and of whom were enduring eternity, in many varied ways as there are about 49+ beings or so, as I've heard (mental formations{?}) that are born unto a journey amongst human beings with each being whom gains human birth. The human guide I am, I shoule say, as the beings whom guide human beings also have guides and so on and so forth.

In some sense, too me, I'm sharing a story of my journey and it includes things that have evaded my ability to gain acknowledgement of my attainments and achievements and I experience something to the effect of an manner of inverse, inside out and the other way around feeling of butterflies in my belly, an energy that came from above as I sit here in the LIbrary as my computer is getting repaird. Story is, I achieved Buddhist enlightenment with so much time until one attains enlightenment, seven life times perhaps, was called to deal with some issues and ended up being an over achiever having abided of self through beings with an indigenious personof which I was informed that the indian knew of a person of an idnigenious nature whom had achieved something and couldn't stand in America amongst urban and suburban environments.


For me, the obvious thing to do was begin standing. Than I moved to a suburb and gosh, the story goes like this, a person, me, having gained some manner of presence that represents transcendent awareness and on the approval of Buddha (unless it's an imposter), has been one of my most trusted guides, a person of such circumstances, inyherently achieves and ark if the extent of enduring hell, the weight and measure of it, Inherently achieves an ark if reality and evolution don't support an appropriate abiding within due time. Like the question has been asked, "is there a limit to a persons suffering?" and based on "universal law", as I've heard, an ark is causally incurred once a boundary has been surpasses, which happened to me. This is the story. As I understand there is no manner of speaking today that represents Creation, the verb, as I've achieved, as I've heard, causally in a way that supports reality as intended in human experience. LIke, what I'm writing and my knowing of it is concurrent in expressing the reflection of my experiences while I am present and aware including thousands of beings in my presence, the number pertaining to what I rest my awareness upon.

This is my story, in a big way I feel a great relief in expressing it, please don't hold offence if I'm not speaking Buiddhistly, I'm Hakomiist, the father of. I sorta feel like I've vented without considering what I'm going to write. Someone suggested that I post a link to a Buddhist Forum on my blog which I did(listend in first post). Actually, the forum just a coment area as it will take me some time to create a proper forum feature. Thanks for reading, my time is running out on ths computer, cheers.

[Dechen Norbu]

Hi there friend.

After reading your post you left me a little concerned. I fear your tale may show some common hallmarks of psychosis, at least if you really believe what you write. I don't mean to spook you, but there are a few things there that don't add up. Know that identifying and treating someone suffering from such mental condition in the early stages can significantly improve the longer term outcome. This is an illness that is not easy to detect by those suffering from it, not wrong behavior! I'm just a little concerned with you, perhaps without motive.

As you may be aware, and if such is your case, not being medicated is extremely dangerous for yourself and, in some cases, others. If you are followed by a mental health clinic or a psychiatrist, you'll surely be fine.

The last time I gave this advice to a friend of mine he didn't follow it. His ramblings weren't that different than what you wrote above.
A few months later he jumped from a fifth floor and is now crippled for life at the age of 37 years old. You see why I am concerned, right?
It may not be your case, but in my opinion you should check it with a doctor. But if you notice, you'll see that nobody else around here writes like you do or claims the things you do. Take a good honest look at your life at the present. What do you make of it? You don't need to answer, of course!
It won't hurt you to see a qualified professional, right?

So, just to be on the safe side and for your sake, seek professional help so that you can be informed about your health.
If a psychiatrist or a psychologist sees you and finds you in good health, I'll be more than pleased about it.

Best wishes.

[LastLegend]

Transcendent Awareness. I will take a guess and say no. From my observation and understanding, everything you see and experience is filtered and exaggerated through your mental condition (hearing voices, deep analysis of things you see and experience, etc). I would not say what you experience is completely inaccurate, but I would say you should not believe in everything that you experience as an accurate representation of reality.

For example, someone with no mental conditions, he/she will simply see that most people think and do things are unwholesome and what they think and do have an impact on the environment. From Buddhist standpoint, the mind is what creates the environment. If the mind is good, then environment will also be good. In your case, your experience comes also with excessive analytical thinking and emotions when you experience what you experience through your mental condition. So your experience is on the darker side, and this sometimes known as depression.

To be on the safe side, you should seek professional help. The mental health treatments are available in many forms depending on your needs. They are not perfect, however as there is much to be learned about mental conditions, and there are no magical pills or advice that can cure you instantly. The real help really comes from you and professional help. I also recommend that you study Buddhist Dharma but don't over think or analyze the teachings, let them gradually sink in. However, I would not recommend you to do meditation at this point. Light practice such recitations can also help.

If you experience there brings your mind at peace or ease, then what you experience is true.

I may be wrong. So don't rely on my words completely.