Sad, sob story

[AdmiralJim]

hi tashi,
don't feel guilty about not practising, focus on getting better. I trained in western medicine but i think my experiences as a patient might be of a little value of you. I became very ill with manic depression ( renamed bipolar disorder) when I was 19, I am now 25. It took them a little while to adjust my medication so that it worked for me. I abandonned my dharma practice for many years but just did sitting meditation occasionally. However when they corrected my medication I took up my dharma practice again and took formal refuge in the tibetan tradition, that was about 2 years ago. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist a couple of months ago and he said we were in a position to reduce some of my medication. i used to be on maximum dosage of an anti-depressant called Mirtazapine, high dose anti-psychotic called Quetiapine and Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser.
All my medication has been reduced I no longer take anti-depressants, my anti-psychotic dosage is halved and my mood stabiliser dosage has a again been halved by my doctor.
He asked me during a consultation if I had ever heard of meditation as he knew I was studying an online buddha dharma course, I said yes I practice sitting meditation daily and yoga. I am used to getting a bit of cynicism when I mention this to western medical doctors but to my surprise he turned round to me and said 'well, you are not the first patient of mine who does this, keep at it as there is no doubt that in my mind that this is helping with the medication to keep you well'. I am was gob smacked a western doctor admitting that it helps!
So best wishes Tashi get well soon and if you are feeling guilty about your lack of dharma practise, why do you not try and encourage others to keep up their practise? I have no doubt in my mind that your story will help inspire others to keep with their dharma practise, so you are already benefit others. I am not sure what tradition of buddhism of you follow but I will dedicate my next session of Chenrezig solely to you.

[Gyaltsen Tashi]

Thanks AdmiralJim. It's good to know someone has been there.

Deleted my post in which I expressed to see teaching in this, which i still do. Maybe not important here.
then the advice I got was not to see Dharma as a medicine for temporary relief but to completely trust in order to undo all suffering.

Muni, what a pity! I could learn something here. PM me if you wish.

Thanks, heart! I used to do 7-line prayer. It's time to restart.

Thanks, wisdom. I need patience.

tourists.

What do you mean by that, Heruka?

ahhh..... i see.



Time for metta meditation. The stages are laid out here: http://www.wildmind.org/metta

Don't rush the meditation. Take at least a month to work up to the last stage of the meditation, more if you need it. This is not a meditation that will benefit you if you rush to the final stage.

The idea I have is that you are getting too self involved, and need to look outwards, beyond that, so you can once again see the horizon and re-orient yourself.

Give it a whirl, let me know how it goes. Namaste.

ps it is very much worth doing the guided meditations on that site.

Catmoon, I have some difficulty finding the guided meditations on that site. Can you point them out and which and in what order shall I use?

[catmoon]

From the link above, you arrive at the main metta meditation page. On the left sidebar are a series of topics that are meant to be read in sequence from top to bottom. As you read your way through the sidebar topics, you will find embedded links here and there that take you to the guided meditations.

[muni]

Hi Gyaltsen Tashi.

It learns me that our motivation is so important, is crucial.

And connection with honest spiritual friends in which we can find trust, is our wonderfull support. Then Dharma can slowly emerge into daily life.
Many think: take one dharma practice before breakfast and your whole day is brightful. Your rice example is making this clear.

Thanks, now our rice can be cooked, and i wish you good health.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGvmrIxY ... re=related

[muni]

Advice i have not, genuine adapted teaching can guide regarding dharma.

Even by the limitations of a internet forum, when we are able to listen to each other, teaching is us provided.

[Gyaltsen Tashi]

I hit a low in Dec 2011. I gave up practice for half a month, and nearly gave up on life.

I don't know if it's the medication (increased Prozac and Olanzapine) or the depression just run its course. I don't know the causes so I will keep being a victim of these unknown forces.

Actually these periods of depression keep me honest. It is during such periods that I honestly tell myself that my practice is nonsense, crap and totally insincere.

Now that I can practice again, as in just mouth the words of my sadhana, I still don't know how much of it is for real.

I read 37 Practices and there's no way I can do it. To prove it, just insult me, and see my ego-reaction!

[Nemo]

The important thing is getting psychological counseling. There is a reason why spiritual practices are contraindicated in treatment of many psychological disorders. Without that you could be dreaming. Based on your previous posts the important thing to look for is the myth of significance. Things like your mood influencing the weather or being responsible for world events, etc. If you think any of these things you may simply turn Dharma into fuel for your illusions. You can only truly practice when your feet are on the ground. There is no room for fantasy in real Dharma.

Dharma practitioners are very boring. If Tibetan Buddhism seems exciting and exotic you are doing it wrong.

Get a shrinks perspective on your practice.

P.S. Get some sleep. Not sleeping is a bad sign.

[Tewi]

I agree with the posters who urged the OP,above all, to follow the advice of his psychologist or psychiatrist. Religious practice can be an additional source of strength and support, but if some aspects of it (such as tantra) are adding to your stress and confusion, I think you could be exclused in setting these aside for now. Personal relationship issues will sort themselves out, one way or another (and similar issues will surely arise in the future--that's just life). It's good that you recognize your thoughts about Christ and antichrist, dark forces and so on, to be delusions. If you extend kindness and patience to others, forgiving their shortcomings, then no darkness can prevail against that, and there is no higher spiritual practice either. May you find strength and balance.

[Gyaltsen Tashi]

Been having negative and suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago. Increased my Olanzapine dose from 15 mg to 20 mg. I am going to get much fatter, but it can't be helped.

[Andrew108]

Keep going. You are going to overcome this. In the future I know you are going to bring a lot of benefit to a lot of people. You just need to get through this.