My naive faith is not based on commonsense. I expect it to solve all my problems - financial, psychological, spiritual etc. I use Buddhism as a security blanket. I am being childish and naive. I need to face each of these problems on their own terms.
What I find resistance with is to believe that mouthing mantras by itself can get me to be wiser and more compassionate and progress towards enlightenment. Actually, most of the time, what I want is some security in my life - that the next minute I won't be plunged into despair and have no confidence to face life. What I find is that Dharma is another ego-based project for me. And if I keep this attitude, I will not progress and in fact use Dharma to prop up my ego which is already causing me so much trouble and pain.
I'm continuing with my Dharma education but I am not going to say I'm going to practice right away even though I have taken empowerments. Reciting a mala just so that I can call myself a practitioner just doesn't make sense anymore. What makes sense is to recite the mantras when you open your heart to it, and if I find I cannot do that, then it doesn't make sense to just mouth the mantras. Maybe I'm just lazy. I don't know. Maybe I'm making excuses. But if I could only recite one Vajra Guru Mantra a day genuinely, then that's that. If I want to sing it, then I sing it. That would be more than I could manage on most days when I just don't have a Dharma view, lost in some mood swing or depression. Or I don't make time for the Dharma, because it reeks of hypocrisy for me, because I'm not even supporting myself. Or I'm just too damned lazy. No excuse for that last one.
Over the years I have collected enough reading and audio material through my pocket money and through free distribution materials to last me many years. Yet I have yet to make a dent in it. Even though I don't have work, I don't have enough time between my mood swings, my downtime, and moments of wretchedness, and my little commitments. Also I don't have a guide or a trusted friend. I need Dharma to be relevant to my life and to help me.
Even the Dharma I kinda know intellectually is too difficult for me to keep to. Like these teachings - I've broken every one of them:http://www.singaporedudjomdharmahouse.o ... dvise.html
Thoughts of suicide are always there as background noise. The world sometimes feels overwhelming and that's why I've built this castle around me to protect myself and I don't want to venture out. Even then, I am challenged by people who want to take advantage of me or see me as not living a normal life. I have fantasies of going to the US to buy guns or be in a hospital to be euthanized and donate all my organs. I think maybe if I donate my organs, it is at least a virtuous act.
I need to find work but I don't feel safe with people or out in the world. I thought if I collect enough mantras, these things will take care of themselves. Hasn't happened yet. I feel unsafe putting myself out in the world. I think reciting Verses of the Eight Noble Auspicious Ones etc, I'll be protected but actually isn't that a theistic viewpoint? It doesn't work either, because adverse, horrible things just happen.
OK, now, I still have my temple volunteering which I am keeping sporadically, my wushu I have taken a break from because of mood swings. I volunteering as a translator with a temple. I need to build my identity as a worthwhile person, and not a "Dharma bum". I will slowly put my foot into tutoring.
There's no one and nothing to catch me if I fall. Not Dharma. Not the Buddhas. That's why I don't even have refuge. How could I carry on on this path?