Path to follow...

[LOGANUSO]

First i would like to say hello,im new to this forum and tha nks for reading this post.

Hi guys Ive been reading buddhism,taoism and confucianism for some time now but have come to a blockage .

I believe i have pretty bad karma (very strange karmas with harsh realities in my uprbringing and can see same patterns in my parents that i have like bad habits that i seem to get rid of and work on but then at a time when i least expect it the bad habits come back 100 times as strong pulling me back to the karma,afflictions,habits which seem to be blocking me from making progress in certain directions )

In many classical taoist texts it mentions a teacher should be sought without delay...in confucian texts it often states that learning and valuing the ancient stakes prime importance ..in buddhism master hsuan hua and other buddhist masters often speak about oneself being the ultimate teacher and sutras being the main means of learning because even if one had a teacher if one continues ones bad habits then a teacher couldnt even help that . I live in England and have tried going to buddhist groups,buddhist monastic centres etc but i never quite felt connected or inspired,the taoist tai chi qigong doesnt inspire me with any want to do them practices ,Confucian culture learning seems very foreign and dissimilar to me (like being born in england with no spirituality, etiquette or any kind of upbringing in the family but a upbringing of divorce,drinking at early age and afflictions with body)
I even tried a retreat in america for 3 weeks but my heart was not illumed and i ust got bored because the questions i had were ignored in favour of meditation and silence.
I feel whenever i try to oin groups ,monsatic communities make associates in certain directions i just seem to become less inspired and less motivated as i never find anyone who i feel really understands how deep these roots of afflictions and issues i have ,when i try doing what other people do like with there pattern of study,routine and lifestyle i do seem to hit 100 times more blocks than they do and seem to get ill.
People just seem to get on with there practice, studies and lifestyle but i just seem to get anxious,confused,stressed and ill.
But when i read by myself not holding to one way of doing things it seems to be much more harmonious and balanced but because i dont have a knowing teacher who i can ask questions to i feel i may be getting wrong view of certain principles.
Its like i have terrible habits that continuously afflict me and i try changing them but its like my will is not strong enough to overcome it permanently and when i do sort them for a while afflictions,illness,confusioins crop up at places where i dont expect or plan for it and when i go to deal with them i end up falling into previous habits and it gets very stressful and imbalancing,its like it must be very deep roots from eons and eons of karmic accumulation.
Im not saying all is doom and gloom because i believe progress is constantly being made and many entanglements i dont have and my conduct is improving and so is my desire to learn and become buddha/sage

It constantly says in taoist texts find a teacher without delay but how will i ever find the right teacher and with my afflictions how can i overcome things to search for teacher ...
If i dont search for teacher powerful teacher i worry that i might go astray but when i read on my own i do get massively inspired when i read the sutras too the point that it becomes to intense and spontaneously i start crying just looking at the page and it sometimes gets to the point where i just cant stop it,massive waves of inspiration and powerful willpower starts arising.

Why am i such a loner and prefer to be alone with learning? is this ok?

Why cant i choose just one path like eg buddhism why am i powerfully inspired and inclined toward confucianism ,taoism and buddhism - the three teachings- ?

Why does it happen that ,when blocked by awful habits and afflictions do i come to the point of exhaustion and stop battling agaisnt try to change the habits that i rise up with powerful willpower and compassion from my heart( ...this is point when my habits dissolve and i then become not affected by afflictions ,habits and pain seems to dissolve)

Much gratitude to any replies,thank you

[Quiet Heart]

Hi guys Ive been reading buddhism,taoism and confucianism for some time now but have come to a blockage .

I believe i have pretty bad karma (very strange karmas with harsh realities in my uprbringing and can see same patterns in my parents that i have like bad habits that i seem to get rid of and work on but then at a time when i least expect it the bad habits come back 100 times as strong pulling me back to the karma,afflictions,habits which seem to be blocking me from making progress in certain directions )

In many classical taoist texts it mentions a teacher should be sought without delay...in confucian texts it often states that learning and valuing the ancient stakes prime importance ..in buddhism master hsuan hua and other buddhist masters often speak about oneself being the ultimate teacher and sutras being the main means of learning because even if one had a teacher if one continues ones bad habits then a teacher couldnt even help that . I live in England and have tried going to buddhist groups,buddhist monastic centres etc but i never quite felt connected or inspired,the taoist tai chi qigong doesnt inspire me with any want to do them practices ,Confucian culture learning seems very foreign and dissimilar to me (like being born in england with no spirituality, etiquette or any kind of upbringing in the family but a upbringing of divorce,drinking at early age and afflictions with body)
I even tried a retreat in america for 3 weeks but my heart was not illumed and i ust got bored because the questions i had were ignored in favour of meditation and silence.
I feel whenever i try to oin groups ,monsatic communities make associates in certain directions i just seem to become less inspired and less motivated as i never find anyone who i feel really understands how deep these roots of afflictions and issues i have ,when i try doing what other people do like with there pattern of study,routine and lifestyle i do seem to hit 100 times more blocks than they do and seem to get ill.
People just seem to get on with there practice, studies and lifestyle but i just seem to get anxious,confused,stressed and ill.
But when i read by myself not holding to one way of doing things it seems to be much more harmonious and balanced but because i dont have a knowing teacher who i can ask questions to i feel i may be getting wrong view of certain principles.
Its like i have terrible habits that continuously afflict me and i try changing them but its like my will is not strong enough to overcome it permanently and when i do sort them for a while afflictions,illness,confusioins crop up at places where i dont expect or plan for it and when i go to deal with them i end up falling into previous habits and it gets very stressful and imbalancing,its like it must be very deep roots from eons and eons of karmic accumulation.
Im not saying all is doom and gloom because i believe progress is constantly being made and many entanglements i dont have and my conduct is improving and so is my desire to learn and become buddha/sage

It constantly says in taoist texts find a teacher without delay but how will i ever find the right teacher and with my afflictions how can i overcome things to search for teacher ...
If i dont search for teacher powerful teacher i worry that i might go astray but when i read on my own i do get massively inspired when i read the sutras too the point that it becomes to intense and spontaneously i start crying just looking at the page and it sometimes gets to the point where i just cant stop it,massive waves of inspiration and powerful willpower starts arising.

Why am i such a loner and prefer to be alone with learning? is this ok?

Why cant i choose just one path like eg buddhism why am i powerfully inspired and inclined toward confucianism ,taoism and buddhism - the three teachings- ?

Why does it happen that ,when blocked by awful habits and afflictions do i come to the point of exhaustion and stop battling agaisnt try to change the habits that i rise up with powerful willpower and compassion from my heart( ...this is point when my habits dissolve and i then become not affected by afflictions ,habits and pain seems to dissolve)

Much gratitude to any replies,thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I believe i have pretty bad karma (very strange karmas with harsh realities in my upbringing and can see same patterns in my parents that i have like bad habits that i seem to get rid of and work on but then at a time when i least expect it the bad habits come back 100 times as strong pulling me back to the karma,afflictions,habits which seem to be blocking me from making progress in certain directions )

We all do, it's part of our nature as "sentient beings".
And about suffering...understand that without suffering none of us would seek release from suffering, would we?
And without that seeking relief from suffering, how would we find the path to the release from the cycle of birth, death, and re-birth.
Maybe that's what suffering is really for?
(Think about it).

There is an entity inside you which may be called (to put a name to it) your Ego mind.
From the day you were born as a sentient being you began to attempt to make sense of the sensations flooding your perception.
Your Ego mind began to try and construct a world view as to what these perceptions "meant", a "reason" for these perceptions.
By now, at your age, this world view...constructed by your Ego mind...is what you use to make "sense" of your percieved world.
The Ego mind is what generates your "I thoughts"; such as "I feel good", "I like/dislke that", and so on,
Now that Ego mind wants to control you, it is profoundly selfish. To accomplish that purpose it generates the illusion of a seperation between what it calls You and what it calls Other. Your Ego mind teaches you that those things that are I are good, and those things that are Other are not good. Many human beings (sentient beings) simply accept that artifical divison generated by their Ego minds without question.
By this artificial division the Ego mind controls your perception and what you accept as reality.

Now you have begun reading the Dharma and teachings. Your Ego mind is profoundly disturbed by that fact. You are threating it's domination over you! So naturally, your Ego mind fights back.
That is why you feel troubled and uncertain.
With knowledge and understanding, this confusion should pass.

I feel whenever i try to join groups ,monsatic communities make associates in certain directions i just seem to become less inspired and less motivated as i never find anyone who i feel really understands how deep these roots of afflictions and issues i have ,when i try doing what other people do like with there pattern of study,routine and lifestyle i do seem to hit 100 times more blocks than they do and seem to get ill.
People just seem to get on with there practice, studies and lifestyle but i just seem to get anxious,confused,stressed and ill.
But when i read by myself not holding to one way of doing things it seems to be much more harmonious and balanced but because i dont have a knowing teacher who i can ask questions to i feel i may be getting wrong view of certain principles.
Its like i have terrible habits that continuously afflict me and i try changing them but its like my will is not strong enough to overcome it permanently and when i do sort them for a while afflictions,illness,confusioins crop up at places where i dont expect or plan for it and when i go to deal with them i end up falling into previous habits and it gets very stressful and imbalancing,its like it must be very deep roots from eons and eons of karmic accumulation.
Im not saying all is doom and gloom because i believe progress is constantly being made and many entanglements i dont have and my conduct is improving and so is my desire to learn and become buddha/sage

Point 1...you're desire to become buddha/sage as you call it is a delusion constructed by youe Ego mind.
Did Buddha ever seek glorification as a buddha/sage?
Such an Ego desire is a poisoned pill you take at your own peril.
Avoid it.

Point 2...from what you say your path may be what is somrtimes called, "The way (path) of knowledge". That's a lonely path but for some the proper path. Only you can know if that is really true

Point 3...finding a teacher.
It might be helpful, but consider:
If you were constipated, could a teacher s--t for you?
If you understand that question maybe your path is truely that "Way of knowledge"
The good news is that it's a fast rising path. The bad news is that it is hard and rocky one to climb.

Any how, bottom line, press on and don't be discouraged.
As for direction...always remember if you feel you are going the wrong way...turn around and go the other way,
You'll know when, I'm sure.
It's in your nature.

[Thug4lyfe]

I also recommending reading less Taoism and focuse more on Buddhism. Concentration on one teaching will be more effective.

[LOGANUSO]

Your reply speaks to me alot, it helps dispel alot of confusion and thanks for taking time to reply . I cant explain how
helpful it is to even get a little understanding from others who know more than i .

[Paul]

I feel whenever i try to oin groups ,monsatic communities make associates in certain directions i just seem to become less inspired and less motivated as i never find anyone who i feel really understands how deep these roots of afflictions and issues i have ,when i try doing what other people do like with there pattern of study,routine and lifestyle i do seem to hit 100 times more blocks than they do and seem to get ill.
People just seem to get on with there practice, studies and lifestyle but i just seem to get anxious,confused,stressed and ill.
But when i read by myself not holding to one way of doing things it seems to be much more harmonious and balanced but because i dont have a knowing teacher who i can ask questions to i feel i may be getting wrong view of certain principles.
Its like i have terrible habits that continuously afflict me and i try changing them but its like my will is not strong enough to overcome it permanently and when i do sort them for a while afflictions,illness,confusioins crop up at places where i dont expect or plan for it and when i go to deal with them i end up falling into previous habits and it gets very stressful and imbalancing,its like it must be very deep roots from eons and eons of karmic accumulation.

This bit makes it sound like you've managed to give yourself a lung/prana imbalance. Please have a look at these documents - I'm sure that it'll help you:

http://www.buddhistmala.com/store/Lung.doc" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.mandalamagazine.org/archives ... s-disease/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

If any of this sounds familiar, you need to learn to relax, as you've sound like you've got a habit of winding yourself up very tighly.

[LastLegend]

Changing the habits takes time. Stick with Buddhism and eventually Buddhist teachings will replace those habits. But it takes time. Right now you need support, and this forum is designed for that. In addition to Buddhist teachings, use other methods to cope with stress in your life. Never give up even if you have fallen 1000 times on your knees. You will stand up one day. Patience, persistence, endurance, and will power are what you need.

If there are things that you need to deal with, please do so.

[Chaz]

Why am i such a loner and prefer to be alone with learning?

Why? Hard to say with any certainty, but it's been my experience that "loners" are loners because that's what they want to be.

is this ok?

No, not really. It's a form of conceit. It's like "Nobody gets me, so I am all alone.". It's ego. It's clinging It's samsara. It's suffering.

The good news is suffering ceases and there's a path to that cessation. You've come to the right place to learn more about that.

[arisaema81]

In order to avoid self-pity and develop a genuine interest and diligence for practise, I would recommend meditating on impermanence, death and a precious human birth. Traditional routes would be the Four Thoughts that turn the mind, Lamrim or similar.

Take it easy

[LOGANUSO]

Thanks Guys ,there seems to be a commen thread running through the post about relaxing and taking it slower and more gradual instead of trying to
achieve all at once. Your advice is extremely helpful and for all your support in understanding my situation and ways.
I also am reading the document on lung which seems right for what i have been experiencing . Ill dig deeper.

[Karma Dondrup Tashi]

Find a real flesh and blood sangha and make some friends there - or make some friends in any group with any interest you share.

[KathyLauren]

i never quite felt connected or inspired

Looking for inspiration can be just another attachment.

It is tempting, when mired in attachments and habits to look for some grand thing that will lift you out of that mess, break all your attachments for you, and make everything all right. That's not the real world. In the real world, nothing is going to break your attachments for you. That grand inspiration you seek is merely one more attachment.

You let go of attachments by dissolving them in place. You can't escape them. You have to detach from them, let them go. No external inspiration is going to do that for you. Meditation - in fact, the whole Eightfold Path - is aimed at doing this.

Om mani padme hum
Keith