A suicide after a break-up

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:41 pm

In another forum I came across the post of a woman, who told us that her boyfriend killed herself, and that she was beside herself. The word guilt appeared.

She later explained details:

That she broke up with him a week ago. That they had a long final conversation the day before he killed himself, where she destroyed all his hopes.

She said they parted on good terms.

But then he ended his life.

She also shared that she knew he had tried to kill himself before twice..

Each time after a break-up.



What a horrible repercussion...

Any thoughts?

Any Buddhist comfort for her...?
http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Vardali
Posts: 150
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:56 am

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Vardali » Sun Dec 13, 2009 10:35 pm

No Buddhist comfort, I am afraid, just some thoughts from personal experience.

First of all, on the "rational" level, one has to acknowledge that the ex who killed himself, was most likely mentally ill. even though many will have felt that life without the lived one is futile, most reasonably sane people do not seriously consider or execute suicide.

This leaves the "guilt" element: guilt for maybe not having responded properly to a mental illness if it become apparent before; or guilt for breaking up and disappointing the other one's expectation in oneself.

Been there, done that (only that my ex didn't kill himself but died from a cardiac arrest).

I think the key is to forgive oneself for not being perfect, for maybe not having assessed or handled things in the relationship as good and skillful as one could have done. But it's a two-sided situation, in which the other person also had the chance,the right and the responsibility to make their own more or less skillful choices. No one can live another persons life.
Still, the regret that things might have turned out this way, might linger for a long time.
But it shouldn't become something that defines us.

Life is muddling through, we all get our hands dirty once in a while; for something like this, I appreciate the Ajahn Brahm advise to "acknowledge, forgive and learn".

With sympathy and kind thoughts to your friend

User avatar
poto
Posts: 369
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 3:21 am

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby poto » Sun Dec 13, 2009 11:42 pm


User avatar
Monkey Mind
Posts: 538
Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:56 pm
Location: Pacific Northwest, USA

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Monkey Mind » Mon Dec 14, 2009 12:41 am

I am guessing that if she had known or suspected that he would commit suicide, she would have taken some appropriate action to deter him. She did not suspect, because he did not tell her. I have to frequently remind myself that I am not responsible for other people's actions. I know that can feel cold, but the alternative is to blame myself for all sorts of things. If I don't believe in a god, then to assume god-like responsibility over other people does not make sense. If I do believe in a God, then to assume god-like responsibility over other people does not make sense.
"As I am, so are others;
as others are, so am I."
Having thus identified self and others,
harm no one nor have them harmed.

Sutta Nipāta 3.710

User avatar
Monkey Mind
Posts: 538
Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:56 pm
Location: Pacific Northwest, USA

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Monkey Mind » Mon Dec 14, 2009 12:45 am

Looking at it from another angle: what to do with grief and guilt? I think rituals are helpful, they help us provide structure to move us through difficult times. The ritual of dedicating metta panna to the lost loved ones, and dedicating merit in some aspect, has an incredibly healing quality to it. (IMHO)
"As I am, so are others;
as others are, so am I."
Having thus identified self and others,
harm no one nor have them harmed.

Sutta Nipāta 3.710

Paññāsikhara
Posts: 980
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:27 am
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Paññāsikhara » Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:26 am

My recently moved Blog, containing some of my writings on the Buddha Dhamma, as well as a number of translations from classical Buddhist texts and modern authors, liturgy, etc.: .

User avatar
Bozworth
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 6:20 am
Location: Austin, TX

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Bozworth » Mon Dec 14, 2009 6:59 am

A guy I knew in high school blew his head off with a shotgun after a breakup. Quite the impulsive, myopic thing to do. His ex-girlfriend apparently felt "guilty" afterwards, which I suppose is a natural reaction.

As Kurt Vonnegut would say, "So it goes."

As far as "Buddhist comfort" goes, it pretty much boils down to "get over it."

The comes to mind.

User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:40 am

http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Mon Dec 14, 2009 11:18 am

http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Mon Dec 14, 2009 11:32 am

http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Mon Dec 14, 2009 11:41 am

http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
Annapurna
Posts: 2639
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 8:04 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Annapurna » Mon Dec 14, 2009 11:44 am

http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

User avatar
acinteyyo
Posts: 1684
Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2009 9:48 am
Location: Bavaria / Germany

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby acinteyyo » Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:01 pm

Last edited by acinteyyo on Mon Dec 14, 2009 6:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Thag 1.20. Ajita - I do not fear death; nor do I long for life. I’ll lay down this body, aware and mindful.

User avatar
Perry
Posts: 134
Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 4:59 pm
Location: Stevenage, UK
Contact:

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby Perry » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:10 pm

I don't have too much to add except that, I went through a bout of depression myself a few years back and I think in a way, I had some sort of perverse enjoyment out of being miserable. If I ever admitted my feelings to others and they offered advice, I was unwilling to take it on board and instead made silly excuses to avoid trying it.

Perhaps I was looking for an easier way out, or perhaps it all boils down to pride, but I never took it to the point of contemplating suicide, and it is a shame when people let it get to that.

Indeed, life is full of suffering, but in the end, perhaps if we are lucky enough to be sitting in front of the television at 90 years old, it is a much more dignified and happy ending, knowing you took everything on and ended with a smile on your face.

User avatar
poto
Posts: 369
Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 3:21 am

Re: A suicide after a break-up

Postby poto » Mon Dec 14, 2009 7:10 pm



Return to “Lounge”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests

Google Saffron, Theravada Search Engine