I think this is going to be me playing the victim again. Telling a sob story again. But guess what? I think I'll just tell it anyway.
1) I decided not to go back to my centre, after they made it clear they don't welcome me. They starting passing snide remarks about me, and after one particularly insensitive remark, I think I just had it. I broke off all contact, including phone, sms and Facebook. I had a good relationship with the resident teacher, which was a shame. I don't know falling out like this will land me in Vajra hell.
2) I have schizophrenia and depression and after the thread about Vajrayana and psychological problems, it just got me thinking. Maybe I shouldn't have touched Vajrayana at all. Among my delusions are being in the bloodline of Jesus, becoming the anti-Christ, someone trying to kill my mum etc and some concerning Vajrayana, which I'd rather not mention. I also had the delusion I caused the demise of e-sangha, because of slander and wrong speech. I can't judge whether being condemned to Vajra hell is a delusion or not.
3) I thought a girl in a 3 year retreat whom I corresponded with (she claimed I was the only one sending letters) wanted to be steady with me, then she dumped me and announced her relationship on Facebook. We had a falling out and I don't know if that will condemn me to Vajra hell.
4) I tried to take an overdose last year after some silly falling out with my classmates in a degree course. I discontinued my course, becoming paranoid.
5) My mother doesn't want me in Tibetan centres. She's a PRC sympathizer.
And this is what I try to do for myself
1) In the morning, if I have 5 minutes, I would count my breath for a 100 breaths. If I have 15 minutes, I would chant "Verses of Noble Auspicious Ones" and "Lama Chenno". If I have 30 minutes, I would chant refuge and Vajra Guru Mantra.
Sometimes when I'm depressed I'll even miss practice for a couple of days.
2) I see the pdoc, a psychologist and take my medicine.
3) I am in an email group that chants the Sanghata Sutra and one that chants the Golden Light Sutra.
4) I am going to learn Shaolin martial arts to strengthen my body, (but this is mostly my mom's idea).
5) I have started volunteering at a temple
6) I plan to return to my degree course after dealing with my sensitivity and paranoia, which I don't know is when.
Sometimes I really think I cannot take it. That I want to go away and never come back. And being a Buddhist that's mean Nirvana! Death is not an answer in Buddhism and that really sucks!
Any encouragement and support for me, (especially concerning my prospects of Vajra hell)?