When i focus on my inner state of mind, there is basic feeling of sadness, dumbness and anxiety. And these states of mind affect all my experiences and interactions with myself and with others. I would say i cannot feel joy at all. Sometimes i can feel it, but i cannot express it well enough through my emotions. I just live inside not outside...
In meditation i cannot get under these feelings...its always there.
Am I bad practitioner? Its connected with practising at all (dark night of the soul)? Is it depresion? How to break through it?
congratulations, you have definitely begun the correct path. You now know something of the nature of your mind, and like all of us, it's not an awfully pleasant encounter. Let's see, we need some practical suggestions...
1. Meditate in a bright place. If you can find a place to meditate at altitude, so much the better. A bright place can also be a frame of mind, so you can do a short visualization of pleasant, sunny surroundings at the start of a meditation session.
2. Recognize the you are not the darkness and sadness. You are, conventionally speaking, the possessor of your mind, rather than being your mind. Since you are not your mind, but the owner of it, it's time to start tidying up a little. Don't let darkness become the object of meditation.
3. Think of a time when you felt unconditional love for someone, (or something), complete caring. Focus on that feeling, hold it and use it as the object of meditation. Avoid using ex-girlfriends or other objects of physical attraction.