Lol.Dorje Shedrub wrote:Years ago there was a person that I could actually say that I hated, which is rare for me.
Best wishes - I now have another person that is being quite difficult, and I need to start the whole process over again!
sattva wrote:i wrote this in the Theravadan Dharma Wheel forum but thought i would post this here as well"
Any ideas on ways to approach developing loving-kindness and compassion for someone you don't like and who doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities? Part of the problem is that this person is so insincere and perhaps also a pathological liar that it is difficult to know if he is ever being straight up. Normally, i would focus on some good qualities a person has and do metta meditation with the person as the "enemy", but i am having a difficult time with this one.
Thanks for the input in advance.
OgyenChodzom wrote:I've been wondering about this myself but in a bit of a different context. What I've been doing is exchanging myself for them. I imagine what events in life could have happened that could have made me the way this person is, and when I think about the rejections, the fear, the sadness, the loneliness that drives someone to use deceit to obtain validation instead of honesty (I think of the times I felt I needed to lie because I didn't feel strong enough to use the "ugly" truth), I think of how much suffering must be behind the need for attention/validation and how hard it is to feel so trapped in my own needs. (We've all experienced this in some form at some time, right?) It's easier for me after I do this exchanging myself for them practice to feel so much kinder towards them because I realize if my life had been just a bit different I could have been them and not who I am today. Our experiences shape so much of our perceptions reinforcing our delusions about what will make us suffer less, so I try to REALLY think about how it must have felt to that person having had experiences no one might even know about. Or if I know what the person has experienced in their life and have any kind of closeness to know private information, I think of how hard it must have been to be constantly rejected by a narcissistic parent or get bullied in high school, or get rejected by a boy/girl when they put themselves out there, get molested by someone he/she trusted, or how hard it must have been to start needing to lie where it felt like being honest and being direct wasn't good enough. That's a lot of pain... All that can be good practice for realizing that our self is a tenuous construct and it wouldn't be very hard to just put in the right conditions to make us feel that we NEED to rely on lies and delusions/attachments to make ourselves feel better and then just visualize the prison my own perception has built like invisible bars that are part of me and limit how I act because it's all I see and I don't know where the lies end and I begin... this might help you sympathize with their suffering... I don't even know this person, and I already feel all that anguish just thinking about it, lurking under the "pathological lying" there is a small insecure shaky child who just wants to be loved.
However, if they are actively seeking to harm you, sympathize from a distance.
Just my two cents...
OgyenChodzom wrote:.. I don't even know this person, and I already feel all that anguish just thinking about it, lurking under the "pathological lying" there is a small insecure shaky child who just wants to be loved.
TMingyur wrote:I very much like your posting, Ogyen. But one aspect I would like to mention explicitely, because you when compare, i.e. mentally "exchange yourself with those others" you keep referring to "my life", "their life" (in the singular) without getting explicit about that: It is all about karma. Please do not get me wrong that does not attenuate or go against anything you are saying but imo this adds an important aspect. Everything we are experiencing we experience due to causes and conditions: Our experiencing of our parents, of our friends and enemies, our experiencing of being accepted or rejected ...
TMingyur wrote:OgyenChodzom wrote:... I'm still at a very beginner's stage.
OgyenChodzom wrote:TMingyur wrote:OgyenChodzom wrote:... I'm still at a very beginner's stage.
I only took refuge three weeks ago! Gimme a break...
TMingyur wrote:I assumed you were being too "political dharma correct"
OgyenChodzom wrote:TMingyur wrote:I assumed you were being too "political dharma correct"
Oh! No. I'm really ACTUALLY a beginner. Learning everything I can (there's a lot to learn and yet there is very little, and there is both a lot to learn and very little to learn and there is neither a lot to learn nor a little to learn - Nyingma-student-brain-overflow)
I didn't realize there was dharmic "political correctness" ... how odd! But I guess the Buddhist political correctness would be odd...
Ok, that definitely sounded a lot funnier in my head than how it turned out to read.
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