I asked that this thread be deleted, but the moderator asked that I consider it. I was going to reply to this with a PM, but I thought it would be better that I post it here.
Yeshe wrote:I know you tend to pour out your thoughts and sometimes regret it, so maybe its worth typing them into a blog rather than a thread, and then when you revisit it, paste over the questions you need to ask or the info you want to share.
That way you keep total control over what appears.
Not my thoughts... the evil one's.
Also, it's funny you mention the blog because I had considered one... Funny how that keeps happening... I think, then... it happens again... I don't mention it whenever it happens. I'm just pleasantly surprised by it. I know it's like the textbook definition of crazy, but... honestly... With a blog, it might be easier to understand. Years earlier, other people told me I should have a blog... They were evil people, but there was one man who scared me because privately, he told me things about my personal life that he could not have known. He was a computer genius, so I thought maybe somehow he did it through hacking, but that seemed just as crazy... It does feel sometimes like angels speak to me through human beings -- in a good way... To teach me dharma and help me along the way... I have been so lucky, so close to dying so many times -- even though I have almost no injuries and no criminal record.
Oh... The thing I wanted to share in this thread... I'm sorry if I am so self-absorbed in the story of my own life.
But it's relevant: I once knew a Panamanian girl (another girl I loved) who was the same way or similar. I wish I knew where she was now, because she might be able to help me through this. A moment ago, the thought occurred, "She is dead. She is Mara." Is that true, I wonder?
When I knew her, she was two personalities: Diana (her real name? also, right now, my favorite greek goddess) and Morgan Black (I believe she got the morgan part from the rum company). Diana was a pretty normal girl, like any other human being, kind and a bit insecure, just wanting to be happy. Morgan Black, however, was a vicious, sadistic criminal who enjoyed hurting people in any she could. Morgan Black was also British, despite the fact that Diana was Panamanian. Morgan Black was sadistic in the fullest sense of the word -- she, too, believed that she was the devil. And for a while, I believed her. I wrote a song, dedicated to her -- the devil -- but years later, I re-dedicated the song to the dharma. It's a very simple song with four parts -- four parts, without beginning or end. So simple, but so deeply meaningful. I have had daydreams of playing this song as a spirit and also of playing it as an enlightened human. Originally, it was a song about how I loved the devil and she was so beautiful, but when I re-dedicated it, each part became about the Four Noble Truths, repeated again and again, forever and ever and ever. The melody of the words became a non-vocalized melody ... I think... Diana is sad... to hear me share this... Or maybe I'm just crazy and I'm the kind of person who cries for no reason sometimes. Or maybe I just miss her? Or I'm moody? She was moody.
Anyway... Morgan Black's father was a Panamanian drug lord. I only knew the girl over the internet, so it's possible she was lying, but in the context, I saw no reason to disbelieve her. She once sent photos of herself cutting herself, carving the word, "Fat," into her body... Also, although Morgan was OK with her father, Diana was a bit terrified of him. Her father apparently was very odd, locking himself in his room when he would enter the house, he collected nazi memorabilia (Morgan Black became obsessed with Nazi stuff too)... One time, she even claimed he forced her to eat human meat. The other thing too worth mentioning was how Morgan Black appeared. Diana became Morgan Black whenever she was put under stress, like when you upset her. Diana was also a bit insecure about sexuality (whereas Morgan Black, by contrast, was a femme fatale). When Diana got into sexual situations, Morgan Black came out more often than not. I had something else important to remember -- I forgot it which usually makes me think it wasn't important but in this case I think it was, but... oh well.
Oh, I just remembered! Me and the girl Diana used to have sort of a thing going. To put it euphemistically, we had "intimate" moments over the phone. Little did I know that calling Panama at that time was expensive, and my parents ended up with a $4,000 phone bill. Also, one time I bought Diana some clothes... I ordered them from the internet, but it was also from a store that was local. My friends stole them from my doorstep, then returned them to a store for a gift card. They couldn't get money (because without a receipt, it could've been a theft -- which it was). These same friends brought me that gift card and tried to sell it to me for money (for a discount, they said!). I didn't have any money at that time, so they got nothing. That girl, Diana, was so much trouble for me... It didn't hurt as much as the girl after her, but that's another story.
Anyway, the only difference between me and Diana\Morgan is the degree of our sickness and the degree of our virtues. When Diana was taken hold of by the evil one, she lost consciousness and memory. Whereas with me, they are merely spontaneous fits of massive rage over pretty arbitrary stuff (anger is always silly and unnecessary, I know) in which I do have awareness, and do have the ability to come down but they don't feel like my own... And I have vowed to not let the fire grow. I've never hit my mom but once, I threw something at her, almost hitting her. After that moment, I realized what a monster it was and vowed at the very least that I would not throw things in anger, because that's what leads to hitting. I suppose I should also vow to not be violent with inanimate objects either because that leads to violence with animate objects.
Please... Don't let me get my own Morgan Black. I feel like taking samaya merely out of fear, to subdue these feelings. But I know that's not right.
Gautama once had his own meditation teachers. He learned everything they did, then he left. I do not think they were happy when he left them initially because they thought he was arrogant? Right? He was forsaking their teachers? But these teachers were happy upon having him return, seeing him shine and glow. I wish I could shine and glow like that and be awake like that, but without having to forsake the enjoyment of sensual desire too. But a moment ago, I had the thought, as I had in the past, "What if these Tibetan masters are merely devils?" That might explain my fear upon entering the Tibetan monasteries.
When you think about it, early Buddhism was about simply avoiding committing immoral acts and being happy with that. That seems so great. Tibetans' claiming that we should use fetters for positive change and magic ritual... It seems kinda like early Buddhism was a Jedi practice and Tibetan Buddhism is a Sith practice. Look into the Star Wars stuff. That's exactly what Jedi and Sith are.
Sith have to change things by force and they use dark energies. Jedi simply let things be and go with the flow of things, never touching dark energy because they know that although flames can perhaps be used to warm the house, cook, and cauterize wounds, there are some flames which can only cause pain when used.
