corrine wrote:my issue is with anger. and it is getting worse and is seriously interfering with my meditation practice. knowing i should let go of this does not actually help me to be able to get rid of the anger.
Bit late to this thread, sorry, don't know how i missed it the first time around. Geeze, I might do you one worse, I have ego and anger when it comes to the Dharma. I get so sick of people speaking badly of other traditions, particularly ones I'm interested in, that I end up getting serious aversion to the camp the polemics are coming from. Case in point, I used to read a ton of Theravada suttas and wanted to learn more about the tradition. But it didn't seem like I could go a week without some Theravadan telling me what was Dharma and what wasn't - harshly criticizing anything "Mahayana" without any sort of provocation (or without any sort of education in the sutras & doctrines they were attacking). Started seeing similar behavior from monks on youtube as well as anonymous internet trolls. Led to a serious aversion regarding anything associated with the whole school, to the point that I have been procrastinating reading the Nikayas for upwards of a year now, even though there are tons of Nikaya suttas that I love. I'd like to get over that aversion some time this year.
My other confession is that I drank an awful lot last year due to job stress. It was really pretty bad by the time I moved last December. So far I'm doing a lot better since the move, but my daily practice routine has been flaky at best and I haven't found a local Dharma group. The good news is that the job I took, which prompted the move, was definitely a huge step in the right direction towards Right Livelihood. I'm hoping that I can eventually settle into a good daily routine and find (or start) a local Dharma group.
jingying wrote:I confess that I had a crush on someone, and kind of lost self control of my mind. Even worse, I already have a boyfriend, although we have been in different countries for 2 years, which made me felt guilty...Shall I watch my feelings of so-called "love", then be aware of its impermanence, and let it go
Maybe I have a different understanding, but in my mind, the level of commitment of dating is different than that of say marriage. Even being engaged is still not the same as marriage. Until you're married, you are just committing to being honest with the other person before you take any actions - the idea with marriage being that you are committing to be with that person indefinitely, until both parties mutually agree to end the commitment. I think many people end up getting in trouble & hurting other people because they feel an obligation towards someone they are in a non-marriage commitment with. They let this feeling of obligation outweigh their own feelings and forcing them to lie to themselves, which manifests outwardly in the form of lies to their partner. Unless you've taken that step of pledging to spend the rest of your life with someone, I think it's a mistake to be so dishonest with yourself and your partner. In other words, until you've made that pledge, there's no problem in being upfront with your partner if you've fallen for someone else. As a guy who was cheated on in countless boyfriend-girlfriend scenarios and even once by a former fiancee; what hurts is dishonesty, finding out after the fact, and then having your mind race at all the possible scenarios that happened behind your back. Long distance is hard. If you end it amicably, you still leave the door open to try again at someone point in the future when the distance is not such an issue. If it all blows up while failing to juggle feelings for 2 separate people, that door is no longer open.