me again. I'm sorry I have to ask so many questions but I need some answers, somehow.
I have just listened to a talk by tara Brach where she talks about the cultivating of our capacity of joy. I've heard and read exactly this over and over again and I hunger for moments of joy which seem to appear less and less now. It is not that I am so depressed I cannot feel joy, it is rather like I have forgotten how it feels. Sometimes I try getting myself in a joyful mood by remembering happy moments or things I like and love but - nothing. I remember the moments but the relating emotion misses more and more. I was able to feel the most happy moments when i was in the middle of my worst depressive episodes, probably because it was so contrasting to the feelings I had every day, all day long. Like sunbeams. But now I just seem to have forgotten what it is like enjoying joyful moments. I know it is crucial to feel joy and happiness but my mood level is alternating between neutral and stressful and tired and *forgetit*. I also have noticed that I seldom allow myself feeling happy because there's so many problems I have caused and that a solution has to be found for, so feeling happy seems like an undeserved luxury.
I knwo I'm weird but I'm looking for my way and I am so grateful for any hints where to go...
Thanks for listening
Take yourself as a little child and teach it with love, care and patience. Please, don't use the longing for joy as a means to put yourself down again.
I guess, i experienced this state of mind that you are in some years ago. The inner detractor seemed to eat up my whole life. I could overview it in my diary and came to the point to say: If I don't start to think positive, i will die!
Then i tried to avoid negative thoughts for some time - as an experiment. I tried to figure out the positive side of everything.
The result was astonishing: I didn't only feel much better after two weeks of this practice, but also things and people went out more nicely, friendly. On such a ground joy can grow SLOWLY by itself.
Joy comes by itself from the heart, littlebit silent in the beginning. It is nothing one can create by willforce or even not by "making" it. It grows as a product of good spiritual practice, good ethical conduct and faithful honest positive thinking.