Gyaltsen Tashi wrote:OK. the thing is I get depressed and I am unable, nay, unwilling to do practice (formal practice at least) for 2 weeks to a month at a time. My Dharma practice diary shows I missed Jan to Mar without any practice. I have no recollection of what happened.
When I am happy and stable, I can practice for an hour at a time, but I am seldom happy and stable.
I am saddened yesterday and I fear I am spiralling into another depression.
Would any teacher have me?
Yes of course. But they probably won't have deep insight concerning your psychological issues. Some teachers would not permit you to do retreat for example unless you were able to consistently function correctly during retreat. This may not be an issue for you.
Where do you live?
I wouldn't even qualify for online gars that require 2 hrs of so of practice a day.
I am very neurotic (in personal communication, Malcolm said I am worse than a Catholic). I am constantly having guilt trips.
I live in Singapore, where things are increasingly difficult. The good thing about Singapore is that there is access to Dharma. The bad thing is that it is difficult to get a job if one is mentally ill.
And of course the government is a pain. But I'll leave it at that.
I am a freelance translator, am on translatorscafe. (I tried getting on proz.com but the site says my IP is malicious. That is not a good thing to say to a paranoid schizohphrenic!)
I would hate to relocate to let's say China for the job and translation opportunities and lose contact with Dharma. Here in Singapore where many Rinpoches come, I can just go to certain events anonymously, hope not to see anyone, and have no Dharma centre stress.
I am planning to see this Rinpoche who speaks Chinese, regularly. Maybe. I'll slip in when there's no puja or teaching and when nobody's around. But as I said, I'm hesistant. I don't really know the source of this resistance.
I seems I am putting down my mother constantly when I always mention that she doesn't like Vajrayana, but it is a consideration. I often have to lie and slip out and save up if I'm going to a Dharma event.
Anyway, why did you ask where I live?