How to handle people with anger issues?

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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:21 am

Simon E. wrote:Clearly life Chez Oushi may differ in its dynamic from many homes in western Europe and the US.
That genie is not going to back into the bottle.
Many households are not going to take their cue from the pater familias.

No matter what society one is living in, he needs sleep.
It is the simplest and safest way to improve mental and emotional problems. Methods used to achieve good sleep, should be applied individually. Saying that there are no ways of doing it, is nonsense.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:26 am

Its HER sleep which may be the issue. And even if it is, she says that she does not have a problem.
So she doesn't.

We honour what people are. Not what we want them to be,
Our only responsibility is our reaction.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:37 am

Simon E. wrote:Its HER sleep which may be the issue. And even if it is, she says that she does not have a problem.
So she doesn't.
We honour what people are. Not what we want them to be,
Our responsibility is our reaction.

Care, love and compassion are also our reactions. When you live with others, being self centered ain't the best idea. You can guard your reactions while the other person is slowly being sucked by quicksand. You assume that if you do not interfere with it, it will all end up well. Sorry, but that is not the rule. Guarding reactions may be one side of it, but performing actions is another one. The last advice I would give to anyone would be to stay ignorant and honor problems of his\her close ones, as they are.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:08 pm

Lets get this in perspective.
We are told that this woman who is newly married displays behaviours that the husband finds difficult a ' couple of days a month ' . She does NOT agree that this is a problem.
We can assume from that I think that the rest of the month things are more in line with how he thinks they should be.
He surmises that this may be connected to sleep deprivation and/or her menstrual cycle, and asks if he should chant mantras for her.

My suggestion Rakshasa is that you accentuate the positive. When your lady once or twice a month is acting in ways that you find uncomfortable don't see is as a problem that needs fixing.(always assuming that there is no physical harm to anyone involved here..)
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:11 pm

Rakshasa wrote:A few months ago i go married to a very lovely girl. She is good heart, very caring and friendly. But the only problem is her anger issues. She becomes very irrational when angry and tends to talk rudely with aggressive voice. This happens about once or twice every mnth. What i have observed is this recurrent anger is not always due to issues and events surrounding our live but also a mental problem (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems. I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?

Here is the OP.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Rakshasa » Tue Dec 10, 2013 4:35 pm

Thanks a lot for all of your replies, especially since this is supposed to be common or trivial issue in all marriages - and I was not expecting so many replies. So thanks for the advice everyone.

My wife's one of the best person on Earth, and everything is very good between both of us. In fact, we both are what people usually describe as "true lovers" (not boasting :tongue: ). She is very friendly and extroverted and everyone who meets her can never hate her. I am more introverted and patient one in our relationship. I would describe her as having extreme emotions. When she is kind, generous and loving, she is on the extreme of all these emotions. But the problem is when the emotion is anger. It can be very extreme for her too, and being an introvert who doesn't socialize much, I have rarely had confrontation or conflicts with people. So when I had arguments with her during our anger outbursts, it usually is more than what I can handle. SO the problem is also from my side. I believe if I was good enough, she won't have to get angry either.

As I had written earlier, the reason for my concern is that her anger outbursts is something like a seasonal flu, only more often, that comes when it has to come suddenly. And then, it could be any reason for her, any small provocation that will turn her into an enraged person. If some event X caused her to become extremely angry, happened at some other time, then I am very certain it wouldn't evoke the same reaction. This was my real concern.

I haven't really tried chanting mantras on my mind during such rare episodes of arguments between us (I am myself not in control to do so), but I am pretty sure this will work (as a Buddhist).

One more thing is that I know there is nothing perfect in this world, and if something is too perfect it cannot last long. Usually things are a balance of opposites. When I think in this way, I tend to believe that we cannot be deeply in love all the time (I am afraid it wont last long like that), so I usually do not mind when I've had arguments with her once in a while.

The reason I had started this thread was because I was alone after our argument yesterday and was pondering on how I could improve things - but today things are so normal that I am myself amazed that we were shouting at each other just yesterday.

:tongue:
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 4:47 pm

Realistic expectations are a good thing Rakshasa. We are all FHB's ( fallible human beings ) as the C.B.Therapists say.
It sounds to me that you both have a lot to be grateful for.

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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Nemo » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:04 pm

Simon E. wrote:
shaunc wrote:
Nemo wrote:Only twice in my life have I been stuck with someone with that flaw. After months of trying to deal rationally with an irrational jerk I went downstairs and got my hammer. I told her I could be just as unfair and irrational. I turned a computer into scrap. I decided from then on when she was using me as an emotional punching bag I would find something expensive we bought and say if she continues to be abusive I will destroy this object. I had to do it three times. The fourth time I chose the big TV. She broke and stopped the verbal abuse. I realized it was not out of her control at all. She was just a bully.


A bit over the top mate.

To put it mildly. frak psychotic would be another way.


Perhaps in most cases, but in this case the outcome leads me to disagree. With hindsight she obviously had PTSD. The aggressive untreated kind that seems so normal in certain parts of the world. It became obvious when she was out of control that the underlying issue was she did not respect me. Many years before I was with someone with a similar problem. I took her to a very old Chinese Doctor I liked because it looked like very bad liver fire. After taking her pulse she looked at me with a bit of disdain and said you should spank her. We were both shocked into silence. Her daughter told her that it was inappropriate in North America and they argued in Chinese. She then reiterated in English that I should spank her hard when she gets like that. It stills seems very incongruous advice coming from a tiny lady in her 70's. I was young and didn't have the balls to follow through.

A decade later after having learned to communicate in more diverse fashions in the military I was no longer held back by societal constraints. Society had paid me a good wage to communicate with people at 650 rounds per minute. When I quietly mirrored her aggression back at her it revealed she did not respect men. She expected me to cave in to her ability to up the level of aggression. There was only one option to earn her respect. I was her first lover to be as strong as she was. That respect made her incredibly devoted and generous. Relationships need love, respect and trust to survive. Sometimes they also need the ability to be completely outrageous.

I must admit to preferring relationships with tamer people. Intimacy is easier and is my favourite part of romance. Perhaps in some cases irrational problems are not well served by rational solutions.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:12 pm

I am not at all surprised that she didn't respect men.
I can't think of anyway to lose respect quicker.
You have certainly lost mine.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Rakshasa » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:28 pm

Simon E. wrote:Realistic expectations are a good thing Rakshasa. We are all FHB's ( fallible human beings ) as the C.B.Therapists say.
It sounds to me that you both have a lot to be grateful for.

:namaste:



I often wonder how an accomplished Buddhist monk would handle situations like these. Perhaps their influence is so good that nobody can be angry when they are near. So this is an ideal I aspire to follow.

I dont believe in psychologists or other modern treatments which will only make things worse by prescribing drugs and pumping useless chemicals to the brain and bloodstream. I am confident that the Buddhist way of changing thought patterns (like becoming more mindful and compassionate), diet, actions/karma etc would eventually shape a person into a more ideal human being in the future.



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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:37 pm

Well the whole point of CB Therapy is that it does not in itself involve medications..
It involves becoming aware of habitual patterns of cognitions and resulting behaviours...
But I doubt that either of you needs that.

I was once present when a very senior Forest Tradition monk was asked if he had become a monk to avoid the kind of stress found in marriage..He laughed ( for those that might know him it was Ajahn Munindo ) and said that the kinds of strains that develop within the relationships found in a monastic sangha were at least as intense as those found in family life.
' We just don't show it in front of lay people ' he said with a grin.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Karma Dondrup Tashi » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:44 pm

Simon E. wrote:You are right Lindama..I should have said something like.. Life as provided you with a partner who comes as we all do with particular qualities, some of which we find challenging. Our own growth may be more served by those very qualities as well as by the qualities we find more obviously nourishing.

Thank you for your intervention Linda,

:namaste:


It took me many years to realize the one thing I could not stand in my life partner was the very reason I married her.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Tue Dec 10, 2013 5:47 pm

Ah yes...
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Berry » Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:34 pm

Rakshasa wrote: I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Hi Rakshasa,

Perhaps you could both watch this short video of Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo together. "Patience is the antidote to anger"

.
"Don’t burden others with your expectations. Understanding their limitations can inspire compassion instead of disappointment " ~ Chagdud Tulku
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby dimeo » Wed Dec 11, 2013 3:08 am

I just recently came across Tibetan Tong-len practices, you may wish to look more at this. This practice is about bringing difficulties to the dharma path. Suffering is used in the path to enlightenment. Tong is the giving our happiness to others and len is taking the suffering of others onto yourself. The goal of this is to eliminate the source of suffering, and transcend the ego.

You notice the experience is temporary a few times a month. Consider it like bad weather that comes and goes. Women are very different than men but this is also part of why we are attracted to them.

It is difficult to experience emotional pain from someone you love and trust. You feel many difficult emotions and struggle to be patient. I have been married for 10 years and continue to struggle daily. My parents have been married more than 40 years and still have difficult fights.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby LastLegend » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:18 am

oushi wrote:
Rakshasa wrote: (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems.

This is often the last thing a person with a mental problem will admit, so never say that to her. It looks like there is something "heavy" going on in the unconscious. I think the best thing you can do is taking care of her sleep. It should be long (8 hr+), comfortable, and safe for here. Good sleep is always a long hanging fruit when it comes to solving mental problems.


Can you explain more on that?
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:52 am

Perhaps one of you Mental Health experts can point to anything in the OP or Rakshasa's subsequent posts that indicates that his wife has Mental Health ' issues' ?
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby Simon E. » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:54 am

Johnny Dangerous wrote:
Rakshasa wrote:A few months ago i go married to a very lovely girl. She is good heart, very caring and friendly. But the only problem is her anger issues. She becomes very irrational when angry and tends to talk rudely with aggressive voice. This happens about once or twice every mnth. What i have observed is this recurrent anger is not always due to issues and events surrounding our live but also a mental problem (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems. I am usually calm and patient and still try to be as polite when she's angry as i can - but still i end up getting drawn into the argument sometimes.


Is there any mantra or prayer or anything which i can recite silently over time to heal her? One more thing is that she gets bad and scary dreams at night very often and thather anger oubursts usually happen just before hermonthly cycle. Anything i can do yo make her more peaceful and calm over time?



You could start by being a little less judgmental of her, frankly. Might not be what you want to hear, but there ya go..i'm sure you have your issues too, don't you? In relationships we always want to force the other person to fit into our plans for them...no wonder so many don't work out.

You're married to someone with a lovely heart, who is a good person, but her snapping at you once or twice a month when she's starting her cycle is a problem? Don't try having kids for a while lol.

Usually, when people argue, they are both invovled, and interested in placing blame..if you let the blame bit go it helps alot.

Not trying to be rough, just honest.

An excellent post which obviated the need for all those that followed including mine.
How it descended into papanca about the fact of, and nature of, her 'unconscious' upheavals frak knows. :smile:
I bet her version would differ a lot...
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby oushi » Wed Dec 11, 2013 1:01 pm

LastLegend wrote:
oushi wrote:
Rakshasa wrote: (perhaps wrong diet, lack of sleep etc ) and needs some diagnosis. However, i dont think she will admit she has any mental problems.

This is often the last thing a person with a mental problem will admit, so never say that to her. It looks like there is something "heavy" going on in the unconscious. I think the best thing you can do is taking care of her sleep. It should be long (8 hr+), comfortable, and safe for here. Good sleep is always a long hanging fruit when it comes to solving mental problems.


Can you explain more on that?

There is always something heave going on in the unconscious of a person undergoing big changes. It is released through sleep and dreaming, broadly speaking. If this process is disturbed, strong emotional waves may break through to conscious. It manifests as sudden,irrational behavior. If those outbursts are not addressed correctly, and there is growing pressure caused by lack of agreement between people, it may transform into mental problems. Sleep deprivation may be, and often is, a direct cause of it.
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Re: How to handle people with anger issues?

Postby studying_231 » Wed Dec 11, 2013 1:20 pm

4 Faced Mahakala Puja is really helpful. I've been using one from http://shop.fpmt.org/Mahakala-Four-Face ... _1127.html
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