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The Dhamma and relationships - Dhamma Wheel

The Dhamma and relationships

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
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TravisGM
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The Dhamma and relationships

Postby TravisGM » Wed Jul 18, 2012 5:52 pm

From my limited understanding, Buddha came up with the 8 fold path so that lay people could practice the way to Nibanna, but did he include married couples in this?

I have a girlfriend and Im attempting to slowly reintroduce Buddhism into my life but as a couple that means she is also going to get exposure as well. She is open to the idea but doesn't want to move too fast with it (apparently a lot of the teachings are too 'harsh' for not practitioners to jump into). What Im asking is does anyone have any advice about how to go about this obstacle? Obviously I want to stay with her and make this work. She's asked me to bend some guidelines in it to fit her life and I explained that if I do that I won't be able to focus and/or meditate. For example, not following the precepts will cause me to worry and stress and therefore unable to meditate.

:anjali:
To be happy...

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daverupa
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby daverupa » Wed Jul 18, 2012 6:08 pm


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bodom
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby bodom » Wed Jul 18, 2012 6:21 pm

To study is to know the texts,
To practice is to know your defilements,
To attain the goal is to know and let go.

- Ajahn Lee Dhammadharo


With mindfulness immersed in the body
well established, restrained
with regard to the six media of contact,
always centered, the monk
can know Unbinding for himself.

- Ud 3.5


https://www.dhammatalks.org/index.html
http://www.ajahnchah.org/

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bodom
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Location: San Antonio, Texas

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby bodom » Wed Jul 18, 2012 6:23 pm

To study is to know the texts,
To practice is to know your defilements,
To attain the goal is to know and let go.

- Ajahn Lee Dhammadharo


With mindfulness immersed in the body
well established, restrained
with regard to the six media of contact,
always centered, the monk
can know Unbinding for himself.

- Ud 3.5


https://www.dhammatalks.org/index.html
http://www.ajahnchah.org/

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Cittasanto
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Cittasanto » Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:13 pm



He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.

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Magoo
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Location: Australia

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Magoo » Thu Jul 19, 2012 2:19 am

I have some very direct experience in the issue of Buddhist practice and a relationship, and it does not have a happy ending. But that is the way it is.....unfortunately.

Through a life transformation, I have followed the buddhist path from late last year. This was following about 12 months of self searching (or as it turn out...Not Self searching as there was nothing there?). Although my path cannot be blamed fully for my eventual marriage breakdown, it did play a significant role. Of course we had other issues, which were providing difficulties as all relationships do. But during the course of our marriage, I think these were often masked over but ignorance and delusion. Once a week, we would let our hair down, get drunk get silly as people do. This was a form of escape for both of us and maintained our connection. As we had lots of fun times, we could better put up with the other things that annoyed us about each other. Over the last 18 months I reduced my alcohol intake and then totally stopped when I took the precepts 7 months ago. This along with all my meditation and seeing things so much clearer, made it harder for the things that we didnt like about each other to be ignored. Because of my life choices, my Wife's life changed a lot. But this she obviously didnt really want. So we were focussing a lot more on each other and didnt have that escape mechanism (alcohol) any more.

I was happy to look into things ard find their causes and try to keep the mariage, but my Wife has had enough. She isnt at the stage I am at, and still wants the wordly things. So we have separated.

So my message is that it is certainly tough to fully commit to the Buddhist path and maintain a relationship with a person who is non-buddhist. It would take the partner to be very open and understanding for it to be a success. But it is possible. It all depends on the desires and expectations of each individual.

Good luck.
With Metta
Eamonn

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reflection
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby reflection » Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:52 am

Hi!

The dhamma can be for everyone, with or without a relationship. There are a lot of people with relationships who have made it work. Some may even be able to do it better with a relationship than without. I had a relationship when I started with meditation and having the precepts as a guide, while she didn't. It worked and we split because of other reasons.

I don't really see how you keeping the five precepts can be a hindrance to her? Isn't it only positive for her that you restrain from lying? :D
One thing is for sure, you can't force them -or any other practices- on her. If you want to follow the path, you can and should, it's marvellous. But if she doesn't want to do that, she's free to of course.

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Magoo
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Magoo » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:09 am


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Ben
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Ben » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:09 am

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

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reflection
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby reflection » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:27 am


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Magoo
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Location: Australia

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Magoo » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:54 am

Hi Reflection and no worries. Miss communication.

Yes we both agree it can work depending on the people. As with everything in relationships.

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retrofuturist
Site Admin
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby retrofuturist » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:54 am

"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead" - Thomas Paine

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tiltbillings
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby tiltbillings » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:11 am


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Ben
Posts: 18442
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: kanamaluka

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Ben » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:31 am

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

(Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • •

e: [email protected]..

User avatar
Magoo
Posts: 50
Joined: Tue May 01, 2012 11:27 pm
Location: Australia

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby Magoo » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:32 am

Hi Tiltbillings. The quote you referenced of mine was meant to be in reference to my situation only. Sorry this may have cause confusion. That is the way it is for me in my situation.

You will see from the rest of my quote, that I do believe relationships can work when both parties arent Buddhists, but it does take some understanding and compromise. As it was in my case, we both ended up viewing things diiferently ie..where happiness and contentment can be found. But this was only my case and not all cases.

With Metta
Eamonn

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tiltbillings
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby tiltbillings » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:39 am


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reflection
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Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby reflection » Thu Jul 19, 2012 6:08 am


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LonesomeYogurt
Posts: 900
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Location: America

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby LonesomeYogurt » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:32 pm

Gain and loss, status and disgrace,
censure and praise, pleasure and pain:
these conditions among human beings are inconstant,
impermanent, subject to change.

Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don’t charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.

His welcoming and rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
- Lokavipatti Sutta


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TravisGM
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Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:23 pm

Re: The Dhamma and relationships

Postby TravisGM » Thu Jul 19, 2012 6:18 pm

I appreciate all the replies on this post, thank you all very much.

You are all far along the path, in my opinion :)
:anjali:
To be happy...


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