My constant need for attention...

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My constant need for attention...

Postby flowerbudh » Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:21 am

... perhaps can be attributed to my being neglected/abused by my father from a young age, but how is this form of clinging to other's attention and acknowledgment viewed in a Buddhist perspective, and how can it be overcome? :namaste: dear friends.
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby smcj » Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:28 am

Your profile says you're a teenager. I think that every teen has that happening to some degree. So let's start with that as a premise. It is a part of growing up. As a teen you've got to start learning professional, social, interpersonal, and relationship skills. That impulse is part of what drives you to develop them.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby lobster » Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:42 am

:good:

Exactly it is natural. It may be obsessive to not seek attention, to withdraw. You have to allow a maturing of natural being and the higher calling.
Just find and seek good company, let them attend you. :smile:
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby KonchokZoepa » Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:26 am

constant need for attention in my opinion is not healthy, you need to learn how to be with yourself and accept all that arises in your life and mind. learn to be with yourself without the need of support, that is also part of growing up. then when you are with others you will notice a change in attitude and perception. you are not seeking attention but relaxing and being more yourself without desire for attention. just being attentive and open, friendly and compassionate and not ''wanting'' attention. of course we all need attention from other peoples, that should be in healthy doses. not obsessing about it. so i think the best way is to balance being self supportive mentally and spiritually and independent in that sense and also enjoying and being in others attention and let them be in contact with your presence and mind stuff that you need attention for. connecting with loving kindness. something like this.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Simon E. » Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:17 pm

She's fifteen for goodness sake. Lighten up.. 8-)
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby KonchokZoepa » Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:19 pm

lol, eheh, simon youre right.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Simon E. » Sun Oct 13, 2013 12:59 pm

:group:
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby flowerbudh » Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:13 pm

Oh, I don't think Simon was being too harsh at all! Hehe. I've come to understand all of what you said Simon, but I'm very resistant to accepting it. I think "well, I can't help that I'm needy- that's just who I am! Of course I want to know I'm loved (especially by boys and men, I might add) bc I never got that as a child." Am I right? Is it okay for me to be needy? What's a better way of dealing with it... revealing my vulnerability in smaller doses? I've made a friend online and despite lightening up a little, I ask him if he loves me, what he loves about me, if he thinks I'm beautiful, etc. a lot and I always feel selfish afterwards. All of your views?
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby KonchokZoepa » Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:24 pm

i think this is very normal for a fifteen year old girl, and i dont want to start advicing and when i went through that age period.... all i can say that you learn and grow.

allthough i can see that you are somewhat self aware of your actions and you have a good heart. keep that up and you'll do great.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Inge » Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:38 pm

Maybe the book called "the Buddha and the borderline" might be of interest to you? Even if you don't fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder, I think you will find it interesting. At least I found it very helpful.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Adamantine » Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:11 pm

flowerbudh wrote:Oh, I don't think Simon was being too harsh at all! Hehe. I've come to understand all of what you said Simon, but I'm very resistant to accepting it. I think "well, I can't help that I'm needy- that's just who I am! Of course I want to know I'm loved (especially by boys and men, I might add) bc I never got that as a child." Am I right? Is it okay for me to be needy? What's a better way of dealing with it... revealing my vulnerability in smaller doses? I've made a friend online and despite lightening up a little, I ask him if he loves me, what he loves about me, if he thinks I'm beautiful, etc. a lot and I always feel selfish afterwards. All of your views?


Don't worry, all of us crave attention, positive feedback-- every one of us wants to know that we are loved and doesn't want to feel unwanted or ignored, or insulted. That is human nature. There's really nothing wrong there from an average worldly point of view. In terms of needing an excess of male attention to compensate for a lack of love or appropriate care from your father: well that could become a problem if it's acted out in unhealthy ways which are disrespectful towards yourself or dangerous. It seems you already have a good degree of self-awareness about it so that seems to be a good sign. Discussing it with a psychologist or professional counselor of some kind could also be helpful.

From a Buddhist point of view we are always swinging back and forth between desire and aversion, non stop-- desire for attention or desire for pleasure, etc. and pushing away everything unpleasant including bad feelings= physical and mental pain, bad tastes, bad smells, loneliness, etc. Ultimately getting too caught and fixated in this roller coaster of craving and aversion will bring us more and more suffering: the suffering of not getting what we want, and of getting what we don't want. So through meditation we can slowly develop a capacity to dwell in states of equanimity: where pleasure and pain don't have the same intense reactions in us, but we see them as temporary arisings that will inevitably vanish or transform. Going further, through study and then through confirmation with experience we can see that all our experience is interdependent, and that we plant the seeds for our future positive or negative experiences through our own mental and physical actions. These are some of the basic foundations of looking at our experience from a Dharma point of view. There's a lot more too but it requires some dedication to practice and study to begin to understand fully and to develop any results. 15 is a great age to begin practice, -- life is short so an early start is a great thing. Hopefully this website resource can help you along the way.

:namaste:
Contentment is the ultimate wealth;
Detachment is the final happiness. ~Sri Saraha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby invisiblediamond » Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:14 pm

Young women have a need to be agreeable to everyone, often. I thinks it's normal part of growing up to learn who you are and what your boundaries are. Older women counter that by being very set and blunt. I think this is the wax and wane of the reproductive drive. Young men are like peacocks and old men are like walruses.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby smcj » Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:29 pm

...and old men are like walruses.

OK, that's it. Tomorrow I'm starting my diet! :pig:

(How come no walrus smiley?)
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby flowerbudh » Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:10 pm

Such kindness emanates from each of you... my deepest gratitude. :group: I will definitely get a copy of "The Buddha and the Borderline", I too attempted suicide and received DBT treatment. Just a quick side note, while the mental health industry still has a long way to go in terms of treating patients from a heart-centered place, the care I received at the neuropsychiatric ward I stayed in and the outpatient program it led to afterwards was truly aligned with spiritual (specifically Buddhist) teaching/practice. The treatment plan for all children included introducing us to mindfulness, meditation practice, and the "Middle Way"... not blatantly, but we were told to find a balance between our rational and emotional minds, to culminate in what was called "wise mind". This practitioning of equanimity on a very practical level saved my life. Now I'm bringing mindfulness into my school! Not surprisingly Marsha Linehan, the founder of DMT, is a Buddhist. ;)
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Simon E. » Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:21 pm

flowerbudh wrote:Oh, I don't think Simon was being too harsh at all! Hehe. I've come to understand all of what you said Simon, but I'm very resistant to accepting it. I think "well, I can't help that I'm needy- that's just who I am! Of course I want to know I'm loved (especially by boys and men, I might add) bc I never got that as a child." Am I right? Is it okay for me to be needy? What's a better way of dealing with it... revealing my vulnerability in smaller doses? I've made a friend online and despite lightening up a little, I ask him if he loves me, what he loves about me, if he thinks I'm beautiful, etc. a lot and I always feel selfish afterwards. All of your views?

Actually it wasn't to you that i was making the suggestion about lightening up flowerbudh.. :smile:
I think you have much to teach us.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby flowerbudh » Sun Oct 13, 2013 8:29 pm

Oopsie, username misplacement. I meant KonchokZoepa wasn't being too harsh. And thank you! (I think you were directing that affirmation to me?) :heart:
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Simon E. » Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:18 pm

:smile: Yes.
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby flowerbudh » Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:05 pm

Thank you sweet friend! :D
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. - The Buddha
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby Dan74 » Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:32 pm

One thing that I think is very unhealthy with most teens this days (and I have no idea how much this applies to the OP) is that all the energy circles around oneself. Kids who have a passion, like music or art or sport, who volunteer or help their parents and neighbours, seem to do heaps better, than kids who spend all their time on their devices, stewing in their own juices, as it were.

Especially for a Buddhist, giving of yourself, whether this be helping around the house as much as possible, putting more energy into homework, developing a hobby, giving some time as a volunteer, cannot help but make for a healthier lifestyle, IMO.

But sadly most teens think all this is such a drag...

Sorry if I sound like an old curmudgeon - in three years my son will be a teenager and then another and the daughter to follow! So we will have to see how it all pans out here. In the meantime, all the best, flowerbudh!
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Re: My constant need for attention...

Postby KonchokZoepa » Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:37 pm

i agree on the hobby part, you find friends with the same interest and usually its a healthy friend circle so that is very good.
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