Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies everyone!
[...]I hate myself. I really really hate myself. I hate myself[...]
At the same time, you love yourself beyond anything. To beat the shit out of yourself just because you do not fit into some stupid ideas others imposed on you, is madness.
You made yourself believe that you should be what society wants you to be. instead of who you are. How can you find peace if you are your own torturer? Start trusting yourself more then you trust others. There is no peace without total love of every aspect of oneself.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Johnny Dangerous wrote:
I know this sounds like a bullshit answer, but is there any kind of thing you can sign up for or do for socialization... a class, something? It's seriously funny how mundane nonsense can sometimes help with some of these feelings. it not a very profound answer, but at least if you can find some way to have interaction with people you like somewhat - even if it's artificial and shallow, you might be able to have a little more grip on some of these emotions, that shit festers when you are lonely..speaking from personal experience.
I tried some online groups but the people were odd. Maybe I should try again.
I think, it is only possible to hate oneself, if one takes the SELF as very serious and very important.
"I'm a very, very important. That's why I have to be PERFECT! Otherwise I have to hate myself." This is a stupid theater and if you see through it, you can burst out laughing! ... But not right in that black moment. Then i take it as bad weather. It will past.
- Mettameditation for myself
- Taking refuge: in the three jewels, going "into my shell", taking quiet for one day...
- Turning the sight: instead of seeing a big Self with some extraneous figures (people) around, it is sometimes healthy to see this self vanishing to nothingness and looking sharpened at the "figures" as full, important human beings. It is like if you turn the focus of a camera: what was near dissolves and what was dimmed far away becomes clear and sharp.
- Accept the moment like it is.
To see yourself as worthy of hatred in the first place -rather than of an indifferent or positive regard- you have to have felt yourself to be the centre of the universe to begin with, i.e. you have to be an ordinary sentient being. If you try instead to see yourself as 'one of many', then you may ask how the nature of this one person -whose supposed vileness has yet to suck the earth into a supernatural black hole
- could be sooo 'wrong' as to merit their own
On the other hand, those who don't effortlessly 'fit into some stupid ideas others imposed on (them)' already, or find themselves being 'what society wants them to be' are clearly in that situtation because of positive
karma inherited from previous lives, or (if you don't believe in karma) because of good
luck. This isn't to say that an unusual mind reflects negative past karma in and of itself, since much the same mind could have developed within a species for which it was a paragon of 'normal'. The mismatch is what presents the obstacles that trigger suffering, but the challenge is to realise that there needn't be any suffering (self
-hatred for example) beyond what others may inflict directly, and to live accordingly. It's worth a try, as the negative impact of self-hate can far outlive the feeling itself.
Nonetheless, it seems that people 'hate themselves' for many reasons - apart from just feeling or believing themselves to be 'different'
Thank you both. You're certainly on to something. Maybe that's one of the reasons the Sutras and Treatises don't discuss self-metta. Because compassion and Bodhicitta reduce the focus on self to the point depression and hatred about the self don't arise. I'll start practicing Bodhicitta and working on my pride.
Isn't "Konchog" the word for "most precious"?
It's part of my refuge name, Konchog Namdag (rare and precious Triple Gem)
Matt J wrote:
I think the first step is acceptance. Before anything else. You can't deal with what is happening unless you accept what is happening. Feelings are what they are: we typically cannot control our feelings any more than we can control the weather. But when it rains, I don't try to pretend it's not raining. And I don't get upset with the rain--- rain just happens. I accept that it is raining and go from there.
Accepting the truth of pain is actually learning the truth of suffering, the first Noble Truth. We all suffer. Suffering is a part of life. How to handle this suffering? This is where the teaching of the dharma comes in. It is easy: it starts with the precepts. No one is perfect at the precepts, but we try. You get good by trying over and over again. Once we have made some way with precepts, then it is possible to meditate. Maybe not for long at first: perhaps 5 minutes, or even 1 minute. But a little is better than none. LIttle actions, over time, lead to changes. This is how the universe works.
This is important. I keep trying to run away from my feelings. Obviously, it isn't working.
The first think I want to know is this, are you having dreams?
I suppose so. I'm having a lot of night terrors. I had one last week where I woke up screaming on the floor thinking something had grasped my legs and pulled me off the bed.