Finding the Path

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Finding the Path

Postby Nexus » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:55 pm

I'm here for the first time to follow the path where it leads me it leads me here.
I have a story to tell how I got here.

I do not post much on the Internet and I did not want to put something here that's
not in the right place.

Let me know if it's okay to share my story in eight years I've only told four others
but this is the place I feel like it needs to be.


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Re: Finding the Path

Postby smcj » Sat Sep 07, 2013 7:25 pm

We all have weird paths to Dharma, so feel free to share.

Just remember the NSA is watching, so don't admit to anything illegal unless the statute of limitations has run out!
Don't take me too seriously.

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby Nexus » Sat Sep 07, 2013 9:08 pm

I'm here to share my story and like others here trying to find the path.

I'm sure the NSA is watching I hope they learn something I apologize for my typing
now is not one of my better abilities.

To start with I am the most unlikeliest person to come to this site. My ego was as large as a locomotive and
I had a A ++ personality very competitive, very defensive, very selfish, very angry.

Before what happened to me I thought Buddhists were simpleminded docile, godless but how wrong I was.
You could also say I'm an example Yin-Yang to the extreme.

My parents were devoted Catholics I went to Catholic school I was even an altar boy at one time but religion
never took hold in me. I went through the motions confession Hail Marys etc. like everybody else but it was
always outside of me.

My parents divorced which is almost unheard of at that time when I was in the eight grade. Religion of any kind
took a backseat after that and even though I was not atheist I didn't see the point somewhat everything ends.

So now you get to start of the story this is how I was nonreligious, and really believing in much of nothing except
what was real that I can touch taste smell have own etc. this reality was it and I was in it to make the best of it for

My world shifted eight years ago I had a near-death experience that derailed this reality completely. I woke up one
night around midnight my heart beating so hard so fast that I thought it would explode. I was pretty sure that I was
having a heart attack and this is that end of my story. My wife called rescue squad I saw everything start shrinking around
me looking smaller and smaller hole the blackness was closing in I hugged my wife told her I loved her and I would see
her on the other side.

I blacked out woke up five hours later in intensive care in the hospital with tubes all over me basically what you'd expect.
I was really shocked that I was alive not that I was unappreciative just didn't expect it. Stayed in the hospital for three days
did all kinds of tests could not find anything wrong with me other than I have a severe allergic reaction to codeine that was
in the cough syrup I was taking for a bad cold. My chest ached bruised from the pounding of my heart it took a week to get
back to normal but normal went out the window.

This story has only been told to four people so far in this eight years and I want to share it because the people on this site
may understand, we all find our way for different reasons mine may be a little bizarre is true from my heart and just maybe
I will connect with someone who can be a pointer to where my path needs to go.

It started happening five days after I got back from the hospital what happened was I started having what some people
may call lucid dreams I don't like the term lucid but at the time I did know what they were. You would think a dream is
a dream not real, subconscious playing with you but this was different. I was in a different place more realer than this
reality this is the hard part to explain hard to put into words. I knew I was dreaming but this reality I was in was sharper
brighter more intense and absolutely more than the reality I had just came from. This completely shook my foundation
how could this be how could my brain makes such a place how could this be. I read every book I wrote letters to the authors
trying to figure out what was causing this. I did not have control when these dreams would happen they just did but they
were not bizarre in terms like much different than other than it seemed to be more intense.

I had these dreams off and for about five months and then they turned into something entirely different
this is the part that my wife says I should never tell a soul about, she believed me that these are real to me
but she said nobody would understand and she was right.

One night as I was lying in bed I went to sleep and as a thought I was having a dream it was entirely different
I was in the bed and did not go anywhere else I could feel myself asleep as I tried to rise I felt like I was trying to
come out of a pair of tight coveralls once I broke free of myself I rose above the bed honestly and unbelievable feeling
and then I was standing next to it looking at myself. I could see myself breathing I said this had to be a dream
but it was so far from anything else I was semi transparent but I can see my hands my feet but I could not tell
if I was breathing which was very weird. This was completely different this was real no dream somehow whatever
I was I was now standing outside myself. I cannot understand why this is going on I wanted to have a MRI done
I honestly thought that maybe something was going on in my brain causing this.

I walked down to the front door of our house but as I tried to grab the doorknob I could not grasp it I could sense it
but it had no form I could grab. I pushed my hand through the front door with some effort but I was able to walk
through it I looked up at the stars and sky and never seem so brighter I sat down on the steps and just stared up
I knew I was there for a while trying to figure out what's going on when suddenly my wife coughed next to me in bed
suddenly I was reeled backwards almost as though somebody had hooked a fishing line or a measuring tape to me
and I was reeled backwards and slammed back into my body. I suddenly woke trying to figure out what just happened
woke up the wife tried to explain it but she thought I was going off the deep end asked me for taking any kind of drugs
or drinking liquor even to me the person it was happening to it seemed to be way beyond this reality.

I don't know why but I was being prepared for the next thing that happened something wanted to shake my
reality up to the point were I did not know what was real and what was not.

The out of body experiences happened four times in almost exactly the same way I was absolutely blown away
at all this I cannot share this with anyone because it's in my head as I tried to find the answers at the time one
of the authors I had written to looking for the answers told me take it as a gift and how right he was.

The next thing that happened was also the last that has happened since.

I want to sleep one night and woke up in an absolute beautiful pristine mountainous valley on the edge of the hill
looking down at the bluest Lake I'd ever seen with a blue sky above mountains around I have never seen a picture so beautiful
in my life as this picture. I noticed there was a light snow where I was standing at the covered the ground beneath me I figured
this must be early spring.

To my left I heard somebody say asked the question as I turned to look there on an outcropping of rock from the side of the hill
was a luminous figure and what I mean by luminous a white light emanated from a figure in all directions I could not make
any features out other than a outline of a figure. The white light was brighter than anything I've ever seen but did not hurt to look at
I was shocked because this again was new. I asked what do you mean in the figure again said ask the question I was confused
I said again I don't understand what do you mean again the figure said ask the question. I suddenly knew what to ask I asked
what is.

At that instant I started melting into the ground I became the spring snow in that instant I saw how I became the water for
the spring flowers that now started popping up all around me in that instant I became the ground beneath me.
An awareness not intelligence awareness of such greatness begin to fill within me so many things happened at once.
I think I could write a book on what happened in a millisecond. I will briefly try to explain and then you will understand
why I'm here.

I don't know if this is a gift I wish it was given to somebody better than me a great teacher maybe I feel like I'm not worthy
to have been given us. Sometimes I wish I was Spock on Star Trek where I could mind meld this to somebody else.

For an instant I was everything and everywhere I was everything and nothing I was a blue sky and the space between
so much I was in a place of unbelievable belonging no words that I can think of can even come close to what it felt
place of so much love and compassion of joy and happiness beyond any measurement we can in this form understand.
And awareness beyond anything that can be described in awareness that there is no grain of sand that is not known
an awareness that knows every blade of grass every thought in everybody's head everything and anything.

An awareness that tells me that everything is as it should be and always is, that everything is one that this reality
is only one small thing of an endless eternity. That were here to experience life to be happy and and be for filled.
But each one of us holds the key to our own happiness. That nothing is as what it seems to be. That time itself is
not a before and after but now this is the hardest part to explain that time itself in a way doesn't really exist.
It tells me we are all exactly the same every single one of us we are all divine creatures part of the same part.
That suffering can be overcome but you must choose to. That everything is up to you.

There is so much in an instant of awareness that it literally changed me forever.

There is so much more to say but I can say the most important thing is it is within all of us now every human
that is on this earth has this within them we are all exactly the same no color no race no nationality makes
any difference.

As a woke the next morning something in me was different part of the awareness that I experienced that evening
in a dream was still with me. A feeling of complete wholeness of contentment and peace and calm. That's not only
the stayed with me everything that was alive and I mean everything had a aura around it. I tried to explain this to
my wife she told me not to tell soul they would have me committed. From the trees to the grass to my own dog I saw this
when I went to work that morning the people themselves had the same aura but if I got close to people including
my wife I could sense their feelings nothing more but if they were angry or sad or happy I could feel it as I got close.
This is unbelievable and this was real at least to me in this reality not some dream but as the day wore on it faded.

My whole life has changed since then I have not had another lucid dream out of body experience or visitations of any kind.
I believe that whatever happened was to put me back on track from where I was.

My whole perspective of existence has changed I have never been more happier in my life I see suffering now for what
it truly is. I understand that every day now is a gift every heartbeat every breath and it's an honor to be here in this
absolute miracle. I do long for the door to open again but I think it has to come from me this time.

My enormous ego has been somewhat deflated but I cannot escape it like my shadow it's always with me but my inner voice
is growing louder and louder and tells me to move on and let go. I don't call myself enlightened at all just a little bit awake
I see things as they are now but I feel that I need to do more much more.

My wife says I'm completely changed I'm not the same person and she's right about that but she fears where this may lead me.
My father passed away in January of this year. We were not that close his way of thinking and mine are very far apart
but I still love my father. My family came together and my younger sister who seemed very spiritual I shared this with her
hoping that maybe she could see the truth and the happiness but instead it with the exact opposite she thinks now that the
devil has possessed me because I don't see the Christian faith through the Bible through the Scriptures the way she does.
She doesn't communicate with me anymore even though I've tried I did not want to change her faith but I wanted to show her
another way without suffering and how wonderful this life is.

It may be simple and obvious to most of you on this site that this is the path but it's been harder for me to see it when my
ego keeps telling me if I pursue this path I will lose everything. But my inner voice keeps telling me so what there's nothing
to lose.

I have read countless books to try to understand where all this came from when I think of my Christian background this is not it.
Though they seem to run the same path that are entirely different. I know now it's not the destination but the journey it's always
the journey and what we do. In trying to find the path it leads me to Buddhism of course I read everything on almost every religion.
But it leads me back to Buddhism the Buddha was absolutely right in everything.

I hope that I've shared something that most of you can see I feel that I'm now back on the path that I should've been on
all along. My spiritual being is now totally awake seven days a week 24 hours day. A year ago I started meditating and
slowly I feel like I'm moving towards the direction I need to go.

Any help you can give me I've read lots of books but maybe there's something else that I need to do to move forward.

I found a local Buddhist community that I have recently contacted through the Internet and plan to meet with them soon.

We all have to find our own way and sometimes the truth is so simple no one can see it as I told someone earlier it's like
not seeing the forest through the trees when it's right in front of you. I can say this much if this had not happened to me
the way it unfolded I would still be the way I was there would've been nothing you could have said or done to convince me


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Re: Finding the Path

Postby smcj » Sat Sep 07, 2013 11:41 pm

My sympathies for your wife. I'm sure this has not been easy for her.

Beyond that, I can only give what amounts to commonly accepted wisdom. Whether it is appropriate to your specific scenario, I have no idea.

Generally vivid dreams like yours can be auspicious or inauspicious. Your dreams have been towards the far end of the auspicious spectrum. How delightful! (I know how excited I get when my teacher appears in my dreams for even a second.) But in any case, dreams are at best signposts. You can use them to change course, which it seems like you've already done, but you can't hold on to them. The drama of them is not important.

You've already contacted a local group. That's good. Hopefully it the right group/path for you. If not, you can always try others.

The "everything is right just as it is" idea is indeed found in Dharma. It is a very high teaching. There are others here at Dharma Wheel more familiar with it than I am. I will let them elaborate.

I think it safe to say that much. Others may have more to say.
Last edited by smcj on Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:16 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Finding the Path

Postby Derek » Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:08 am

That's beautiful, Bill. Thank you for sharing.

These awakenings happen differently for different people. If you compare yours with others, you'll find some points of similarity, some points of difference. The important thing is that it's happened.


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Re: Finding the Path

Postby smcj » Sun Sep 08, 2013 10:27 am

Bill, I think I should say that I don't dispute your experience. You've changed, and I presume for the better. That kind of change for the better is what Dharma is all about. Your karma ripened, and in a rather dramatic way.

But from here on in you're going to need to put effort into it. Maybe you will have a stock of good karma waiting to ripen and it will be easy for you. Maybe not. But some effort is needed. So as dramatic and wonderful as your experiences have been to date, their importance is that they have gotten you here. So now keep going.

Actual meditation practice is not what most people think. Learn from scratch. Do it right. And keep going.
Don't take me too seriously.

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby David N. Snyder » Mon Sep 09, 2013 3:04 am

Welcome to Dharma Wheel!



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Re: Finding the Path

Postby smcj » Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:43 am

I'm actually a little surprised and disappointed that this thread isn't more active. Without have an education in it, having a dream where it is communicated that "everything is perfect just as it is" is quite eyebrow raising. It's hard for one's subconscious to come up with something as sophisticated as that, which gives credibility to the experience. I hope the lack of interest isn't because all these Dzogchen people are envious!
Don't take me too seriously.

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby lobster » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:20 am


How wonderful. Dream Yoga and Lucid dreaming should be easy for you . . .


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Re: Finding the Path

Postby DGA » Mon Sep 09, 2013 4:35 pm

Hi Nexus,

Welcome to DharmaWheel. I hope you find what you seek--particularly the right situation & guidance to nurture the kinds of experiences you've had. All the best to you in your path.

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby Nexus » Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:10 am

Thank you for all your support I am now completely committed to the eightfold path a good place to start
and a great way to be. I have yet to find a teacher or been to a retreat but plan to meet with a local group soon.

I have a question for some of you who find yourself in a situation where your spiritual awakening
puts you at odds with everyone in your family. My wife worries for me and understand her stress
my sister wants me to have exorcism she thinks I'm spiritually lost.

In all of this I am absolutely the happiest I've ever been and I feel like every day is Christmas. What is so funny to me
is I know I don't exist in the spiritual sense, that Bill(me- myself or I) is just a mirage only what's in your heart remains.


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Re: Finding the Path

Postby DGA » Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:04 am

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby bamboo » Tue Sep 10, 2013 4:36 am

That was quite interesting, and thanks for sharing.
Also, I love how you included the NSA in your post :rolling:

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby Anders » Tue Sep 10, 2013 7:55 am

Hi Bill.

Lovely story, thanks for sharing. Sounds like a bit of a karmic keypoint to re-direct life.

From where I am sitting, what you've experienced is like tasting a sip of water. With proper guidance, training and dedication this can be expanded into fulltime gapless swimming in the ocean of such awareness. Rather than learning more about Buddhism in general, I'd suggest to make it a priority to connect with an authentic awakened teacher who can show you directly how to deepen and expand your experience.
"Even if my body should be burnt to death in the fires of hell
I would endure it for myriad lifetimes
As your companion in practice"

--- Gandavyuha Sutra

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby DGA » Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:34 pm

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby Nexus » Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:40 am

Again let me say thank you to you all for your good advice that I have taken to heart.
I did meet a local Buddhist group and the meeting was good but not what I had
hoped for in finding or locating a teacher that I feel like I need.

So I took your advice and found relatively close to me and awakened spiritual teacher that
was having a local get together. This is what I have been looking for an needed how it has
just changed me to have found someone who understands and everything I say.

When you try to explain to somebody that your nonself is awake it can be extremely hard
to get that point across but when you find someone that is the same as you feel a deep
connection because you can look in their eyes and see they know not some bull they read
in some book but the truth of experience.

As far as my journey has taken me this in things here that have been said that I will lose some friends
and gain new ones this is so true. I've also learned the best I can do help lead by example and principles
when I can keep my thoughts to myself in the only express them when I'm asked.

I so much wish I could share how I feel now and see this world with others so they may see it
as it really is. I know this sounds so simple but that's how it really is you have to take a step backwards.
I am absolutely nobody, average, nothing special but everybody has this within them I know this
in my heart to be true. I am blessed because I was not looking for this but the first day I started to live
was after this happened.

Thank You

Bill :bow:

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Re: Finding the Path

Postby dude » Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:53 pm

Bill, your experience is much like my own : realization through direct experience, the necessity of leading by example, and frustration at my lack of capacity to get others to understand what to me is starkly obvious; the practice works.
I am deeply grateful for finding a new friend, and to all who have made this possible.

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