As a result of a number of things, I've decided to ordain into the Nyingma tradition as a monk. I know all the ramifications, and all the things that are said about ordination, and so forth, and I'm not concerned in the slightest. I have made the offering of body, speech and mind to the Guru who turned my mind from Samsara, and this is my offering to all living beings of those same three things. My only hearts desire is to engage in Dharma with all of my energy and will, and to be of most benefit as I possibly can. Because my Guru is a wanderer and I must go through a translator, it may take awhile to hear from him and I have no idea if he will accept me as his student, of course I will try until the day I die, but whatever happens I've made this decision.
The eight worldly concerns have been sloughed off me like dead skin from a leper, I have no need for amenities or comfort. I've lived with little possessions all my life, been poor multiple times, and am not afraid of any kind of hardship. I am quite literally willing to live off the scrap food that others do not eat, it makes no difference to me. I am so serious about dedication to Dharma that I am willing to be homeless for a few years if that's what it takes, so I can focus only on Dharma. I am not afraid of cold and heat, discomfort or danger. There is no sense in my continuing to go to work simply to keep my apartment, since I have no other ambitions in the world such as having children, a wife, traveling, or doing anything other than Dharma, it would be pointless to continue on my present path. Since I have no real need for anything beyond Ngondro and a couple of books, there is no need to keep an income in order to fully practice Dharma. So my requirements are few and basic. I am also young and healthy and so can help with any duties whatsoever in whatever monastery will end up taking me in, if that will even be able to happen.
Also, certain wrathful energies are making it impossible for me to progress in any other way. My job totally deteriorated after visions of wrathful Dakinis in a dream, and even though I have friends who are trying to get me jobs where they work, which almost always has been successful in the past, despite extensive experience in my industry I am being blocked which has never happened before. Its my hearts innermost desire to walk this path, nothing could bring me greater joy, doing anything else would be dishonest to myself. I know the vows are extensive, but I basically keep all of them already anyways. I live alone, have been celibate for three years, and have conquered my worldly desires for wealth, fame, praise, sex, shelter and so forth. My body, speech and mind are not my own, it belongs to Dharma and the service of living beings alone.
This is just one outlet I am trying in this process. I plan on speaking to local Sanghas as well. If I must, I will prove my devotion by quite literally being homeless as I said, until I can make this happen. The city I live in has numerous places to get food, clothes, and occasional shelter so I know I will be OK. Since I no longer give even the slightest damn about how others see me, I am not concerned about how I will be viewed socially. I have nothing at all tying me down to the world. I've given this a great deal of thought. Im simply done with engaging the world in the way that I have been, its over, finalized, and there is no going back.
That being said, I have no idea how to make it happen, or where to start. I live in the Northwest. If anyone has any ideas, or knows of any place that would consider meeting with me and talking with me, please let me know. I definitely need help in this, but I am also completely sincere. If and when I hear from my Guru, if he accepts me, I will ask for his recommendations as well. If worse comes to worse, I will actually be of more benefit to people as a homeless person because I will not have to conform to social norms, I won't have to not say what I want to say, I won't have to worry about whether or not a certain action will get my fired or make me judged by my peers despite being spoken or performed from my heart.
If anyone has any leads, recommendations, or is able to directly help me in this endeavor in any way, I would be extremely grateful.