compromise and relationships

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compromise and relationships

Postby Dave The Seeker » Mon Jun 17, 2013 2:37 pm

I was talking with someone yesterday whos going through some difficulties in a relationship. One of the two says that relationships are based on compromise.
I know there must be compromise in a relationship, but I told them that relationships should be based more on mutual comonalities than compromise.
A compromise is giving up something or part of it to get what you want. Should this be the basis of a relationship?

Thanks for all your replies in advance.
Everyday problems teach us to have a realistic attitude.
They teach us that life is what life is; flawed.
Yet with tremendous potential for joy and fulfillment.
~Lama Surya Das~

If your path teaches you to act and exert yourself correctly and leads to spiritual realizations such as love, compassion and wisdom then obviously it's worthwhile.
~Lama Thubten Yeshe~

One whose mind is freed does not argue with anyone, he does not dispute with anyone. He makes use of the conventional terms of the world without clinging to them
~The Buddha~
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Sherab Dorje » Mon Jun 17, 2013 3:03 pm

Well, first of all a relationship is about what two people want. Normally they want to be together. So both make sacrifices in order to make common gains: I want pasta for dinner, I want rice, so let's have couscous. No losers, just winners.

A lot of the time the things we cling so desperately to, in order not to lose them, are meaningless anyway.

Mutual commonality sounds pretty boring. I mean, of course there must be some commonalities, but... It basically sounds like being in a relationship with ones self. Kind of defeats the purpose of being in a relationship really. For me, half the fun and excitement of relationships is a healthy level of push and pull (oooooh-errrrrr).

Anyway, I think you are obfuscating the term compromise with the term capitulation.
"When one is not in accord with the true view
Meditation and conduct become delusion,
One will not attain the real result
One will be like a blind man who has no eyes."
Naropa - Summary of the View from The Eight Doha Treasures
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby maybay » Mon Jun 17, 2013 3:25 pm

Dave The Seeker wrote:I was talking with someone yesterday whos going through some difficulties in a relationship. One of the two says that relationships are based on compromise.
I know there must be compromise in a relationship, but I told them that relationships should be based more on mutual comonalities than compromise.
A compromise is giving up something or part of it to get what you want. Should this be the basis of a relationship?

Have you checked with ISO http://www.iso.org/iso/home.html
Great organization.
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Remember nothing and everything
Think nothing and everything
Do nothing and everything
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby mandala » Mon Jun 17, 2013 3:58 pm

Dave The Seeker wrote:I was talking with someone yesterday whos going through some difficulties in a relationship. One of the two says that relationships are based on compromise.
I know there must be compromise in a relationship, but I told them that relationships should be based more on mutual comonalities than compromise.
A compromise is giving up something or part of it to get what you want. Should this be the basis of a relationship?


Relationships based on either compromise or commonalities? Hmm.. I vote for neither.

I reckon the -good- relationships I see are based more on mutual respect and genuine affection.If you really care about someone, you won't mind not having things your way all the time. It's not just relationships, we compromise all day every day - who always gets what they want, when & how they want it?

"Mutual commonalities"... personally, I couldn't bear being with someone who was like me, had the same interests etc. But that's just me!
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Dave The Seeker » Mon Jun 17, 2013 5:23 pm

gregkavarnos wrote: half the fun and excitement of relationships is a healthy level of push and pull (oooooh-errrrrr).


:jumping:
Anyway, I think you are obfuscating the term compromise with the term capitulation.

I think you may be right on this point, had to looknthat word up, I feel they do feel they must surrender in this relationship.
I really appeeciate your input my friend

Mandala, thanks also for the points you've brought up. They make a lot of sense and will definetly help.

Maybay, sorry, but I'm a bit lost with that link
Everyday problems teach us to have a realistic attitude.
They teach us that life is what life is; flawed.
Yet with tremendous potential for joy and fulfillment.
~Lama Surya Das~

If your path teaches you to act and exert yourself correctly and leads to spiritual realizations such as love, compassion and wisdom then obviously it's worthwhile.
~Lama Thubten Yeshe~

One whose mind is freed does not argue with anyone, he does not dispute with anyone. He makes use of the conventional terms of the world without clinging to them
~The Buddha~
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Johnny Dangerous » Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:59 pm

I think a relationship is just what it sounds like - a relationship, if you relate to one another through measurement or comparison (he/she has this, I have that) it's always going to be looking at the "me" part of the relationship, an endless cycle of want and attempts at things to be "fairer" - the cause of a huge amount of arguments.

I think it's good to try being in the other part of the relationship, which is somewhat spontaneous, and more about dissolving some of the divide between you and your partner, what is good for them is good for you and vice versa, doesn't mean being a doormat of course, it just means that any illusion of 'compromise' or comparison is really going the wrong direction. In my own experience, the more accepting I have been of my partner, the more accepting they are of me and some of the tension of "who should get what" begins to resolve.

In practical terms it just means worrying less about fairness from your own point, and more about the well being of your partner, family member or whatever...big surprise.
"Just as a lotus does not grow out of a well-levelled soil but from the mire, in the same way the awakening mind
is not born in the hearts of disciples in whom the moisture of attachment has dried up. It grows instead in the hearts of ordinary sentient beings who possess in full the fetters of bondage." -Se Chilbu Choki Gyaltsen
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Dave The Seeker » Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:53 pm

Thank you Johhny, that really hit the mark.
Everyday problems teach us to have a realistic attitude.
They teach us that life is what life is; flawed.
Yet with tremendous potential for joy and fulfillment.
~Lama Surya Das~

If your path teaches you to act and exert yourself correctly and leads to spiritual realizations such as love, compassion and wisdom then obviously it's worthwhile.
~Lama Thubten Yeshe~

One whose mind is freed does not argue with anyone, he does not dispute with anyone. He makes use of the conventional terms of the world without clinging to them
~The Buddha~
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby lkearns » Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:07 am

I have not yet quite figured out how to express my view/understandings on relationships in detail, but I can say, people enjoy company, with some more than others, in general relationships I believe are built in a way where the couple feel too intense. I can't find the words to express the way I see my relationship, but we are as we are and if the relationship may rest comfortably without any emotional toying or "compassionate" manipulation and the two can cast away any ideas of possession, whilst keeping faith and faithful, the relationship will prosper.

The way I can figure it, is 'let it be what it will'.

I hope this is somewhat relevant :smile:

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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby shaunc » Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:27 am

Relationships IMO are all about compromise. It's human nature to always want to get your own way, however it's maturity that tells you this isn't going to happen. The main part of being in a relationship/family situation is seeing the other persons/people's needs as greater than your own. Rather than thinking what's good for me, you think what's good for us. As Greg said, if one wants rice & the other pasta, you either compromise & cook something that either uses both or neither of these ingredients or you go turn about. Mind you, anyone that's questioning whether they should be in a relationship or not over what's on the dinner table, probably shouldn't be in one.
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Konchog1 » Sat Jul 20, 2013 5:55 pm

Dave The Seeker wrote:I was talking with someone yesterday whos going through some difficulties in a relationship. One of the two says that relationships are based on compromise.
I know there must be compromise in a relationship, but I told them that relationships should be based more on mutual comonalities than compromise.
A compromise is giving up something or part of it to get what you want. Should this be the basis of a relationship?

Thanks for all your replies in advance.
If it's mutual compromise and not just one person getting pushed around, it is important. But mutual commonalities and communication are more important I think.
Equanimity is the ground. Love is the moisture. Compassion is the seed. Bodhicitta is the result.

-Paraphrase of Khensur Rinpoche Lobsang Tsephel citing the Guhyasamaja Tantra

"All memories and thoughts are the union of emptiness and knowing, the Mind.
Without attachment, self-liberating, like a snake in a knot.
Through the qualities of meditating in that way,
Mental obscurations are purified and the dharmakaya is attained."

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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Dave The Seeker » Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:37 pm

Thank you all for the input and advise.
I've learned alot and will pass this onto my friend.

:namaste:
Dave
Everyday problems teach us to have a realistic attitude.
They teach us that life is what life is; flawed.
Yet with tremendous potential for joy and fulfillment.
~Lama Surya Das~

If your path teaches you to act and exert yourself correctly and leads to spiritual realizations such as love, compassion and wisdom then obviously it's worthwhile.
~Lama Thubten Yeshe~

One whose mind is freed does not argue with anyone, he does not dispute with anyone. He makes use of the conventional terms of the world without clinging to them
~The Buddha~
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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Monsoon » Sat Jul 20, 2013 11:19 pm

I'm a little late to this thread but I wanted to make a note on the transformation of satisfaction (don't know whether that is the right terminology). Over the last few years I have thought much on the nature of compromise in the relationship context. One of my tentative conclusions is that (a lot of the time) our value judgements concerning the compromise are often inflated. As such I began a practice of (whenever possible) always being the one to compromise. In return I concentrated on the well-being and contentedness of my partner. What I found is that the sensation of genuine satisfaction pertains in greater and more persistent form to this act of generosity than I would ever have derived from what I had given up in the compromise. Anyway, this approach has served my relationship very well. Also, in the earlier days of this 'experiment' I used derive a small measure of pride (ego, I know) on hearing that friends had remarked to my partner on this thoughtful behaviour. Even this has been transformed. Now it doesn't really pique my pride but rather leaves me pleased that others have noticed and that there is hope that they may consider employing similar means in their own relationships.

Of course I could be all wrong and be travelling an incorrect path. And perhaps there will be a lesson in this also.
Let peace reign!

Metta,

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Re: compromise and relationships

Postby Dave The Seeker » Sun Jul 21, 2013 1:35 am

Thank you Monsoon.
That seemed like quite the experiment and it seems your results were quite good.
This might be even one I may try. It will also help me break my ego down more.


:namaste:
Dave
Everyday problems teach us to have a realistic attitude.
They teach us that life is what life is; flawed.
Yet with tremendous potential for joy and fulfillment.
~Lama Surya Das~

If your path teaches you to act and exert yourself correctly and leads to spiritual realizations such as love, compassion and wisdom then obviously it's worthwhile.
~Lama Thubten Yeshe~

One whose mind is freed does not argue with anyone, he does not dispute with anyone. He makes use of the conventional terms of the world without clinging to them
~The Buddha~
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