Hello. Once again, I'm sorry if this is the wrong section, I'm still horribly confused but I -think- that I am practicing (or will be practicing???) Dzogchen. Which I know nothing about practically. :<
This part can be skipped really, it's just something I feel really bad about. I will try to separate into sections and summarize my questions at the end.
I've heard of the importance of having a teacher and I feel like I make a terrible student. I think I've stated this multiple times before, but I know pretty much nothing about any of this. I have many books, but I find myself still completely clueless. I'm the type that has to have verification on what to know and what not to know (so to speak), and my confidence is so low that learning by myself I fear I will learn something wrongly. I've only seen my teacher once in person, where he accepted me as his student and ever since then we've only talked a little through the occasional "Hello, how are you?" kind of message. I really hate to bother him by sending him petty messages, but he doesn't seem to mind. (Or does he?
) Either way, I've been wanting to get the chance to go see him, hoping he could teach me more although I've had the honor of Getse Rinpoche teaching me about taking refuge, The Three Jewels, and the 6 realms for starters.... even though it was in Tibetan and was translated, naturally XD I felt like I annoyed him greatly to be honest. My father told me to draw Guru Rinpoche and give the drawing as a gift to Getse Rinpoche, which I did. Then he asked me "You draw Thangka?" (As translated by his translator) to which I misinterpreted the question (I just realized this about 5 months afterwards HAHAHA!) and said "Oh no, this is my first time............." (also I'm EXTREMELY shy and awkward and I get nervous/panic attacks even just talking to waiters ordering a meal...... which happened when I tried to ask a question. I completely freaked out right in front of him. How pathetic....... that was not good at all, I almost started crying because I was too scared to ask a simple question. But anyway, I DID draw it off of a Thangka........ I am horrified with myself just thinking back at this. I feel like an idiot. I guess I wasn't thinking at the time since I stayed up late to finish the drawing. I'm not sure if he liked it.
lol it was just average pencil drawing. In my father's word, "You draw this for Getse Rinpoche so when he goes back home he can say, 'This American girl drew this and gave it to me as a gift!'", yeah I don't know why I did it, if I had a photo of the drawing I'd show you guys but I don't. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't super good cause I'm not a pro or anything. I felt like I gave him some extra dead weight to carry around that he didn't exactly want.
Apparently, meeting Getse Rinpoche, and the other 2 teachers there was a pretty big deal. I had no clue (and still have no clue) what I was even doing there, I was invited but everything went by so fast people kept telling me how lucky I was, something about good karma of the past and building up a lot of merit, I understood none of it
. But people kept going on about me being lucky and this and that, it made me a bit uncomfortable although it's true I've had eerily good luck my entire life so far.
The problem is that I've been so lost since we parted ways, I felt kind of empty afterwards. I had no sense of direction, I have so many books that I'm overwhelmed (17+ books to be exact my dad just bought them and sent me a bunch, I don't even have a place to put them!), it's only been a few months since I've started on this path. I know I shouldn't complain at all, I'm only 1 person and I'm very young, my teacher goes all over the world (all the time O_o ) to teach hundreds, probably thousands of people. Way more important than just one person such as me, so I try to tell myself that it's for the greater good but the truth is that I miss my teacher. I don't have anyone here to teach me or guide me, I have the internet but I'm too intimidated and don't even know where to start or what to ask.
There are so many questions, but I'm too scared to ask, he's just so busy all the time, and I really really want my hug
(Yes I asked for many, many hugs. From almost everyone
, I simply thrive off of hugs, but up in the mountains people were looking at me funny for giving hugs. The strong ones! Is it a bad thing? D: I don't know. Should I stop? lol I don't mean to be disrespectful... I just need to hugs. I can't explain it.)
My teacher has only taught me "Om mani padme hum" and I am -trying- to work on it. He also gave me a mala (that's what it's called yes?), he gave it to me the day after he officially accepted me as his student and it's really pretty, if you'd like I'll even snap a picture, it has red string with white beads and 4 larger red beads, funnily enough red and white are 2 of my favorite colors!! (the only other one is black) It is my most valuable posession
, not sure why but it is. Unfortunately, I was never taught how to use it, and I tried doing it myself from online instruction, I quit because I was uncomfortable doing it. I don't quite understand why he gave it to me to be honest, because he gave me no instruction on how to use it, we had a very limited time because everything was so busy and chaotic (more or less) people running back and forth, there was little time. I doubt it belongs to him, I'm not sure why he had extra malas laying around either, but I love it a lot, I don't know where to put it though!!! I refuse to wear it (although I like to) because I'm terrified it will break. If it breaks I will cry. A lot. So I just keep it in this bag that this nice lady gave me, I think it's made of silk. I keep it in another larger bag that's hung on the wall for it to be safe. But I feel bad, is it okay to carry on me? Should I leave it there? What do I even do with it at this point?
On the topic of not knowing where to put items, my father (for whatever reason) is sending me 3 statues
that I view as "holy objects" because it is a representation you know? The thing is I'm living in a tiny trailer home that doesn't even belong to me, I have no place to put it but I can't refuse these objects or I'll cause some serious anger from my dad. I just got a job literally about a week ago (after working volunteer for months) and I'm not making a lot of money at all, just a little above minimum wage. Where do I put it? I don't want to put it in the bedroom because my fiance likes to walk around naked even through the entire HOUSE. It's a habit I can't break him of, plus he likes to do some uhm things that aren't appropriate and I don't want to disrespect these statues in any way, but I have no place to put them quite literally, I have a cat that jumps on shelves and she might knock them down, etc etc. What can I do?! Would a closed cabinet in the living room work? This is stressful for no reason. I was told to treat these objects including my mala with a lot of care and I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing so.
This is just a lot to take in for me, I'm 19 years old, am I too young to even be trying to get in on this?? Something else that people told me when I was up in the mountains where I converted (and where all this stuff happened basically) they kept saying things like "They had to work their entire lives just to get to where I'm at now", and how I'm lucky (again) that I'm 'the way I am' by nature, at this point I'm just like "get to where?!" But apparently whatever I'm doing, it's good. Except I have no clue what I did
. I was reluctant to bring these things up, but it's bothered me every since because I didn't understand anything, I've never done anything good in my life, I was never smart (I'm still not), I haven't been to college because I don't have the money, I just got a job as an electricians assistant, only because no one else would work for that company because the pay is so bad. Which brings me to something else. Back on the mountains, the same day my teacher accepted me, some people asked him (there was about I think 40? people there) "Why did you accept her as your student, but not anyone else?" (he apparently has 2 students, me and another person) to which he replied "Because she is like a clear crystal." Naturally this just flew right over my head, it bothers me that I have no clue what he meant to be honest but I shouldn't complain. Funny thing though, afterwards the lady laughed and said "So I guess we're tainted?" To be honest it made me feel really bad........ I'm not exactly innocent you know?
Well I'll leave it there, a lot of things happened but that's basically it besides my dad's random want to send me stuff for my practice. Sorry for the rambling, I hate being confused (yet I am confused all the time)
-My teacher is always gone and I don't have the money to go see him. Can I practice on my own just from books?
-I feel like I'm not learning much from these books. I don't think I'm ready for meditation and this is all I can
do for now. There's so many to choose from, should I read them all at once in no particular order? What should I do?
-Where do I put my mala? How do I take care of it? What do I do with it?? It's lonely.
I hold it every once in a while because I think it gets cold. Should I just leave it alone?
-At the point I'm at now, what should I do for practice?
-Am I too young for this???
-Am I ready for this?
-Where do I put these statues? Do I need to make an altar??
-Is it normal to be this confused?
Ah, random but I mentioned Tilopa to my teacher where he seemed to get excited and said "Yes, that's a good one, read it!" ..................................but uh............... I don't have that book. I fail so miserably as a student. I told him, and he said "Oh I see, that's okay", but no, I think that I should drop everything to read it now. Does that sound like a good idea? I think I might buy it as soon as my paycheck comes in. This is probably bad for me to say but the story of Tilopa and Naropa is absolutely adorable
to me!!! They're both so cute, honestly, sometimes I giggle when I think about it and I feel like I'm being disrespectful which I don't mean to be, I just think almost everything is cute :/ It's a curse of mine I think. But how can you not love that story?
Or the both of them? Sometimes I swear my teacher only accepted me because he felt sorry for me. I feel bad that he has to put up with me honestly........... My guilty conscious sometimes prevents me from even wanting to message him because he's busy and I don't say anything important, which makes it worse because then I'll feel really bad afterwards for "ignoring" my teacher which wasn't exactly my intention. I'm so indecisive......
I'm sorry guys my mind is all over the place because it's late, I'm sorry this post is really disorganized, any questions you guys can answer is great, if not, that's cool too, I'm so sorry for wasting your time. I just want some answers and have nowhere to go for them not even phone contacts. Thank you so much in advanced!