Thanks for your advice again, PadmaVonSamba. I think you're right about my father carrying too many problems with him instead of clearing his mind first beforehand. Sometimes I think he might just be really bipolar, but he seems to never be happy or pleased with anyone or anything. I wouldn't blame my dad's teacher because all of his other students do excellently. I've met them and they're wonderful people. But my father has always been very egotistical, and if he has an issue he won't ever admit it. My mom sees my father's teacher a lot as well, but she never says anything because my dad will lash out at her. It seems as though the most that his teacher knows is that he's a very troubled person and has a lot of issues, especially anger problems. His teacher, and his teacher's students are wonderful people who have taught me a lot... but that's just the problem. My father refuses to be outdone by anyone
and works extra hard to be at the very top. However, I think he's following the path for the wrong reason, mainly achieving enlightenment so he never has to see me, my mom, or my brother ever again (Yes those are his exact words).
I know it was probably wrong of me to do this, but I told one of his students about how my dad acts differently at home and when he's up there where people see him. They had no clue about the abuse my father put my entire family through and the "mask" he wears in public. Well... eventually word got to my father's teacher because my father lashed out at me again and I had an emotional breakdown, and when someone asked me what was wrong, I told them everything. My father was very
upset and told everyone that I was lying. And that was when he tried to stop me from talking to anyone, not his teacher, not my teacher, and not anyone within the community which is why I'm here. I'm completely alone because if I talk to anyone my dad yells at my mom. My father acts like the greatest person in the world when he's around his teacher but any other time he's completely different. My teacher and his teacher explained to him that he needed the help and that I didn't do anything wrong and that as a family we should look out for each other, and something about bad karma in the past that we need to pay for now. My father's teacher is trying his best to fix my dad but sometimes I think it's not possible, not at all. It's a very complicated situation. The only ones that know my father's true nature are the ones that live with him. Anyone else is clueless.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm 100% positive that it's not any of the teacher's fault because he's doing the best he can with what he has. Also, the members of the Sangha are very trustworthy, but that's why my father doesn't want me to talk to them. He doesn't want anything to do with me and that means I can't have anything to do with the people he's around because he thinks that I have a bad influence on them and they have a bad influence on me. Keep in mind, this is the same person that wouldn't let me have friends growing up and when I got friends anyway out of my loneliness he said I couldn't befriend black people because my best friend was black!!! She was very proper, extremely polite, very smart, didn't drink or do drugs or anything. In fact, when my dad pushed me to never talk to her, I found new friends who tried making me drink alcohol, do drugs, and all sorts of bad things, but my dad didn't care as long as their skin color was white. My father's always been a control freak, my mom isn't allowed to have friends either, she's not allowed out of the house, and she isn't allowed to have a cell phone. He's gotten more lenient since he started this path but he's still got a long way to go.
Thank you for your advice but I haven't been able to concentrate. Every time I even think about the Dharma, or if I even see a picture or book, I think about what my dad said. That I'm not good enough, I'm too stupid to learn it and that I should just give up now and quite wasting everyone's time. He says that I have no patience or humility and that I'm gonna go to hell because "I hurt him". My inspiration and everything is just really.... gone because my father's abuse never ends. Because of him I have no self esteem and I'm always stressed out and yet I'm always the bad guy somehow.
It's not a good feeling. And he thinks that I'm too lowly to talk to my own teacher or his teacher, they're two different people. My teacher doesn't speak very much with my father at all, only to me. My father's teacher is trying to fix my family, and it's working but it's taking so long I'm losing hope. I'm only 19 years old, perhaps I really am too dumb to learn this stuff. When my teacher learned about my home issues he simply said to my father that it wasn't anyone's fault and the members of the Sangha made a joke that my dad can't yell at me anymore "because Rinpoche is protecting me"
I thought it was funny even though it's not completely true... but my dad has no respect for anyone except the lamas who he treats as gods. Everyone else he treats like dirt. My teacher keeps telling me "Don't be sad" because he says that it's bad karma of the past, but I can't help it. I really miss Rinpoche right now..........
Everything seems okay when I'm around him, but it's such a rare occasion for me to see him. I just don't want the blame to be put on him because I know what the problem is. It's just that I can't tell anyone (even though I get the feeling my teacher knows, but he never talks much).