True Realization

[lotwell]

I've recently realized that not only do I have a large taste for the sense pleasures of samsara, that I honestly have little interest in actually relinquishing any of my drive and craving towards them. I'm rather fond of them it would appear... I'm in the process of trying to turn the mind towards the dharma and reflecting on the meaninglessness of Samsaric activities and the greatness of liberation. I should likely reflect on cause and effect to and the unbearable nature of the lower realms too. However, I feel as if I'm under a spell. I understand that not only do I have a truly golden opportunity of, after having found the dharma, being able to practice it under the instruction of one of the few great masters left however, i watch myself knowingly fall for the same trap every time. I don't really think that anyone could be so thick not to notice the pitfalls associated with the sense pleasures, particularly sexual ones. To be frank, they're much more appealing than meditation and practice. The mind is so gullible to believe that "oh maybe this time they won't deceive me!"

How could one like this ever end up interested in the dharma I ask myself. Perhaps some great past merit and virtue. I don't know. I do know that all I am truly interested in is a spiritual adventure. Even if I arrived at the feet of the most qualified teacher who wholeheartedly would devote himself to my own awakening I'm afraid I would likely be packing my bags (at least mentally) and planning a trip to whereever sounded most exotic and untouched in hopes of learning the language, mating with the women, and bonding with their sages only to write a book about it in hopes of receiving the praise of my peers.

I am fine to take Buddhism, for example the six realms, with a grain of metaphorical salt but even that will not satiate my ceaseless taste for samsara and all its goodies.

This confession was written one lonely evening by a forum member solely for his own self-serving interests. May it not disturb other forum goers but remind them of the pitfalls waiting at the end of the trails which stray from the path.

Lotwell

[plwk]

I guess the Buddha could relate to it....at one time...here's some snippets...

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
Then Tapussa the householder went to Ven. Ananda and, on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As he was sitting there he said to Ven. Ananda:
"Venerable Ananda, sir, we are householders who indulge in sensuality, delight in sensuality, enjoy sensuality, rejoice in sensuality. For us — indulging in sensuality, delighting in sensuality, enjoying sensuality, rejoicing in sensuality — renunciation seems like a sheer drop-off. Yet I've heard that in this doctrine & discipline the hearts of the very young monks leap up at renunciation, grow confident, steadfast, & firm, seeing it as peace. So right here is where this doctrine & discipline is contrary to the great mass of people: i.e., [this issue of] renunciation."

"This calls for a talk, householder. Let's go see the Blessed One. Let's approach him and, on arrival, tell him this matter. However he explains it to us, we will bear it in mind."
"As you say, sir," Tapussa the householder responded to Ven. Ananda.

"So it is, Ananda. So it is.
Even I myself, before my Awakening, when I was still an unawakened Bodhisatta, thought: 'Renunciation is good. Seclusion is good.'
But my heart didn't leap up at renunciation, didn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace.
The thought occurred to me: 'What is the cause, what is the reason, why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace?' Then the thought occurred to me: 'I haven't seen the drawback of sensual pleasures; I haven't pursued [that theme]. I haven't understood the reward of renunciation; I haven't familiarized myself with it. That's why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace.'

"Then the thought occurred to me: 'If, having seen the drawback of sensual pleasures, I were to pursue that theme; and if, having understood the reward of renunciation, I were to familiarize myself with it, there's the possibility that my heart would leap up at renunciation, grow confident, steadfast, & firm, seeing it as peace.'

"So at a later time, having seen the drawback of sensual pleasures, I pursued that theme; having understood the reward of renunciation, I familiarized myself with it. My heart leaped up at renunciation, grew confident, steadfast, & firm, seeing it as peace.

[duckfiasco]

Congratulations! You've managed to do what 90% of people in your situation never do: take an honest and frank stock of your situation. Now what will you do? Make superhuman promises or hopes that you'll betray in five minutes, or try your best, even if that best is following one measly breath? I feel your pain very acutely because I seem to have a penchant for knowing full well what harm will come from doing something, then friggin' doing it anyway. The whole sideshow of guilt and remorse is never far behind. Haven't we seen this rerun before?

Turn the poison to bodhicitta. If you feel worthless, then being in a realm populated with similar suffering beings, you can bet someone else is or has been or will be in exactly the same place. An opportunity for practicing compassion right there. I've slipped and fallen on my ass more times than I could count, sometimes right in view of my small altar with the Buddha and Chenrezig and Green Tara looking on. Nice But you know what? They understand precisely our predicament. If getting it right was a requirement for the path, the Buddha wouldn't have bothered. Putting your heart into practice is what matters, and being realistic. If you don't work with what you have, you'll never get anywhere.

A whole lot of what keeps us stuck though is the firm belief that we are stuck. Relate to yourself as a needy, lusty, alcohol-craving or entertainment-needing sad sack and that's how you'll behave. It's the purpose of purification visualizations, and that may be just what you need right now to regain some confidence. It doesn't have to be a full-blown Vajrasattva visualization. Maybe just some simple tonglen or breathing in pure white light and breathing out your neuroses as black smoke. Whatever you do, if you start loosening your grip on the belief that you're impure, maybe when the karmic cycle comes back around for another go, you'll be able to say, "you know what, I'm actually okay this time." And if it comes around again and you give in again, it's just more grist for the mill of your practice. It's called "practice" for a reason!

It's all habits, sticky, prickly habits. Since they were picked up somewhere, they can be dropped. Nothing is permanent. If something as smelly as cow poop can nourish a delicious tomato crop or beautiful flowers, just imagine what our own smelly hangups can do!

Good luck. I hope you can feel better.

[futerko]

It does sound like you're in the habit of wishing you were somewhere else and wanting something else.
Given the difficulty in achieving a sensory input of zero, it would seem that one can either cultivate gratitude or not.
It is somewhat paradoxical that when we stop this desiring we actually become fully satisfied and enjoy sense pleasures far more.
It's really up to you whether you offer up every sense pleasure or try in vain to cling on to them, and whether you accept what you willed or wish things were other than they are.

[Konchog1]

Impermanence.

Everything is dying. From the moment of it's creation, all things decay second by second. This decay only ends in death. Creation and death are joined together.

You're doomed. I'm doomed. Every single living and nonliving in existence is doomed.

Everything dies. Everything ends.

Also, reflect on Emptiness.

Kye ho! Listen with sympathy!
With insight into your sorry worldly predicament,
realising that nothing can last, that all is as dreamlike illusion,
meaningless illusion provoking frustration and boredom,
turn around and abandon your mundane pursuits.

-Tilopa

4) Long-associated companions will part from each other. Wealth and possessions obtained with effort will be left behind.
Consciousness, the guest, will cast aside the guesthouse of the body.
Letting go of this life is the bodhisattvas’ practice.

9) The pleasure of the triple world, like a dewdrop on the tip of a blade of grass, is imperiled in a single moment.
Striving for the supreme state of neverchanging liberation is the bodhisattvas’ practice.

21) However much sense pleasures are enjoyed, as [when drinking] salt water, craving still increases.
Immediately abandoning whatever things give rise to clinging and attachment is the bodhisattvas’ practice.

-The Thirty-Seven Practices of Bodhisattvas

[Jesse]

planning a trip to whereever sounded most exotic and untouched in hopes of learning the language, mating with the women, and bonding with their sages only to write a book about it in hopes of receiving the praise of my peers.

Sound's like a hell of a time to me! Being hard on yourself is probably 1000% more counterproductive to your practice, than indulging is. The simple fact you have the insight to know that indulgence will never lead to non-suffering is huge, don't beat yourself up because you like to have fun.

[lotwell]

Wow i forgot that you can respond to posts on this forum.

Thank you all for your responses. They were great - all five of them. I really felt that they came from a heartfelt concern from other dharma brothers (sisters?) on the path.

Rejoice!

Anyways time to dive head first into samsara. See you all later.

Lotwell