The oldest texts describe meditation in terms of progression through the eight jhana states. This has become something of a lost tradition, due to a dilemma that faces all meditators. With eyes open, jhana is very difficult to achieve. With eyes closed, one usually loses the alertness required. After much experimentation, I have finally found the solution. Allow me to take this opportunity to invite you to participate in a meditation program that will really push the envelope, practically forcing enlightenment through a dramatic test of personal self attachment while completely defeating the obstructions of drowsiness and distraction.
In the Catmoon Eyes Closed Running Meditation Course, you and other participants will be whisked into the Pitt Lake Wilderness area by helicopter, to our secluded meditation lodge and infirmary situated in some of the most dramatic topography the world has to offer. Sweeping vistas, snow-capped mountains, waterfalls, ravines, cliffs, unstable scree slopes, abundant wildlife (mosty cougars and bears, but wolverines have been sighted) and deadfalls provide the means to keep your mind in a state of razor edge sharpness as you dash straight to Nirvana down winding trails, all while completely blindfolded! For the Zen sudden enlightenment types, we have a special route up the slopes of an active volcano, past actual lava pools and gas-belching fumaroles. Though none of the participants has completed this course yet, we have good reason to believe that they all currently reside in the Pure Lands at the very least. For the gradualists, we again make use of the local helicopter service, this time for medivac purposes, so you can try again and again until you gradually attain enlightenment. Participants in the gradual course have unanimously agreed that it an intensely healing experience. Some of them have continued this healing process for months, even years after finishing the course!
Now, we freely admit that this course is not for the faint of heart. But if you have goals and intend to achieve them, if you will not accept defeat, if you know that where there are no guts there is no glory, this is the course for you.
All major credit cards accepted. Payment in full must be received prior to the commencement of classes.
Sergeant Schultz knew everything there was to know.