through my own personal experiences i'm fully able to understand you.
Please note, that the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas (who fill the whole space) love you with all their empathy.
You're not a "disgrace & insult" - just what your doing is a calamitous habit, born out of a severe sickness...
This is the first time since this started that I have admitted that I have a problem.
THIS is a wonderful, essential, nessessary first step. I think you're tough enough to make your way. Please reach out for some people who help you in real life also. Don't try to manage this on your own.
You are included in my daily practice and I'm sure, the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are enjoying to help you, as soon as you think of one of them.
Take care. Best wishes from