Hi Christina, welcome.
I find that practicing Buddhism is calming and comfortable, as you say. The Buddha was able to perceive reality so clearly that he could see how things work (the web of cause and effect, dependent origination, etc) and how suffering is caused by our ignorance of how things really are. The noble eight-fold path is his guidance to us on how to develop the concentration and insight to see reality more clearly while giving behavioral guidlines (the precepts) that produce positive results and reduce our suffering even before we gain that wisdom. There is no God judging you as passing or failing any tests. You just gain benefits to the degree that you put effort into the practice.
As someone who also experienced a long time of suffering depression and suicidal thoughts, and benefited from professional help as well, I'm glad to hear you are getting treatment and I'd like to reassure you that it is definitely possible to eventually climb out of that negative place, let go of self-hatred and find peace. It can take a long time but it's worth it.
May you find happiness and freedom from suffering.