Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

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Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby Sonrisa » Thu Aug 12, 2010 5:05 pm

Hi everyone! Since this is the Lounge, I figure it is most appropriate to post it here.

I am having trouble showing compassion to a person that has hurt me with unkind words in the past. I have taken up Bodhisattva recitation (Ksitigarbha and Guan Yin). When I think of their qualities, it helps me a little to figure out why this person would be trying to hurt me -- out of ignorance.

This person is a friend that I do not consider a BEST friend anymore. I dont hate him nor despise him because I know I am causing myself unnecessary pain. Being the ignorant person he is, he has condemned me to hell because I do not worship his god. I try to correct him but he refuses to listen and keeps on insulting me.

The Buddha dharma has definitely helped me on soothing my anger. It's just whenever I see his face, anger stirs inside of me. He has deceived me, gossiped about me, said unkind things to me and about me. Not to mention a bit hypocritical too - the flaws that he himself has, he reflects them upon other people and act as if nothing is wrong with him.

I realized that holding this anger is definitely NOT the way to go. I try to look at his situation and see that he actually lives a sad life. His mom mildly abused him and his siblings, took them out of school, his mom left him. When he is alone, he desperately seeks the attention of my friend and me.

Should I take this as an opportunity to practice compassion, especially when these thoughts rise?

Help...please??

:namaste:
Namo Amitabha
Namo Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva
Namo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva

May I continue to practice loving-kindness and compassion for sentient beings. May my friends and loved ones be free from suffering. May those who have hurt me also be free from suffering.

Hatred is like throwing cow dung at someone else. You get dirty first before throwing it to someone else.
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Re: Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby ronnewmexico » Thu Aug 12, 2010 5:19 pm

Well if that was me I'd try...."I realized that holding this anger is definitely NOT the way to go" using the opportunity to look at what comprises the anger as opposed to trying not to hold it..but that's just me.

It is rare to have such a opportunity to study anger in its pure form. So thusly he inadvertanbly provided you a great great thing. It must now be used. Meditate on it. For someone to provide such a great gift...the incitement of a emotion which can be studied and learned from.....can only be considered as ultimately a great good. So compassion only we can feel for such a person. Of course situationally we must act in a different manner.

As to the situation....many would advocate to roll over placate him and play along with him or just ignore his comments, saying that is compassion.
I say stand strong in your faith. Be clear firm and strong in your response that Buddhism is your faith and you intend to follow it regardless if someone else likes it or not. He may or may not respect you for that but it is what you must do.

Then if you pray...go say a prayer for him. But don't tell him you are it would only enrage him.

What he says to other peoples about you, you cannot control and you have to ignore. It matters not as those peoples if so influenced are seeing their own opinions only, and not you. Those not influenced..those are friends you may cultivate. The others, if you pray, pray for them as well.

If they ask you...you must stand up for your faith. Just don't spread it around unasked that would be pointless.
Last edited by ronnewmexico on Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby BFS » Thu Aug 12, 2010 5:45 pm

Hi Sonrisa,

You might find the following helpful:

Working With Anger

Dealing with Emotions and Working with Anger
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Re: Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby Sonrisa » Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:42 pm

Hi all!

Thank you for your answers.

I have figured it would best be to continue my practice on compassion. I have recently started adding such things into my practice such as a small prayer of Metta (or wishes of Metta), in which I say:

May I be happy. May I be free from anger, suffering, and its causes. These are the things I wish upon myself so I wish them upon others.

It is helping me.
Namo Amitabha
Namo Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva
Namo Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva

May I continue to practice loving-kindness and compassion for sentient beings. May my friends and loved ones be free from suffering. May those who have hurt me also be free from suffering.

Hatred is like throwing cow dung at someone else. You get dirty first before throwing it to someone else.
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Re: Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby catmoon » Sun Aug 15, 2010 8:52 am

Sonrisa wrote:
I have figured it would best be to continue my practice on compassion. I have recently started adding such things into my practice such as a small prayer of Metta (or wishes of Metta), in which I say:

May I be happy. May I be free from anger, suffering, and its causes. These are the things I wish upon myself so I wish them upon others.

It is helping me.


Ah, very good. You don't have to attain overflowing compassion for this person in a day. Each time you do the practice, the resentment will soften a little, and that is quite good enough, don't you think? I do hope you keep at it a while! It will affect more than this single relationship, as I think you are aware.
Sergeant Schultz knew everything there was to know.
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Re: Difficult to show compassion to a person that hurt me - help

Postby BFS » Sun Aug 15, 2010 12:48 pm

Sonrisa wrote:Hi all!

Thank you for your answers.

I have figured it would best be to continue my practice on compassion. I have recently started adding such things into my practice such as a small prayer of Metta (or wishes of Metta), in which I say:

May I be happy. May I be free from anger, suffering, and its causes. These are the things I wish upon myself so I wish them upon others.

It is helping me.



Wonderful! :)
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Re: Equanimity now

Postby Will » Sun Aug 15, 2010 5:13 pm

"Showing" compassion is not needed yet. Practice metta when alone, but incorporate more equal-mindedness meditation. Then practice equanimity when faced with this person.
One should refrain from biased judgments and doubting in fathoming the Buddha and the Dharma of the Buddhas. Even though a dharma may be extremely difficult to believe, one should nonetheless maintain faith in it. Nagarjuna
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