Following is about work i did and I nvite your stories

[Ervin]

The first job I have had was brick layers labouring, it lasted for about two weeks. Some time after that I started working as a security guard at around the age 18. I worked in a Melbourne city Myer shop. I was a security guard. I used to hang around and talk to sales people a lot. I used to get told of for talking. Some of them used to call me have a chat.

After about six months at yer I joined Australian regular Army as an infantry soldier. I got posted to Townsville, wich is in Northern Queensland. I wont talk about the training or my treatment while being punished for things like unlawful discharge, drunk on duty, insubordination, disobeying a lawful general order and awol. At first I had an alcohol problem, but everybody or should I say most soldiers drank but it effected me more than mostother people. Once, on one of the exercises my section came fourth, that's out if a whole battalion wich was suppose to be good.

Shortly prior to my so called battalion going to so called East Timor on peace keeping operation I got into drugs, namely amphetamines. As a result of that I went awol. I didn't come back from leave. Eventually I handed my self in, went to prison in Wholesworthy in Sydney, did my time wich was 20 days+ got recommended to stay in but I couldn't. I was to embarrass After spending about three years in the Army I got out and worked as a waiter at the Victoria arts centre and at one of town halls in one of the suburbs. That was the best or actually to be precise most enjoyable job I had. I enjoyed it because it was function work, so it was full on and it was a bit physical since out of an empty room we had to set up for hundreds of people serve clear and put all tables and everything else back. I just enjoyed it. After that I worked as a crowd controller in night clubs ands strip clubs and I spent time at the tabaret and a pub (not much at the pub) . It was generally easy job most of the time. It was hard and risky when fights occur because when you separate and or kick people out they turn on crowd controllers at times and sometimes you simply have(let me ed that the truth is you never have to fight anyone, but in this industry....) to fight them. If a so called crowd controller is not willing fight at times he is generally considered not to be very good. I have been attacked at times.

While working as a crowd controller I did something bad outside of work and ended up in prison. For years I worked in prison whenever I wasn't so called sick with paranoid schizophrenia that apparently started about couple of months prior to going to prison. After coming out of prison I looked after my niece, took her to school and brought her back from school and pretty much looked after her while her parents(my sister and brother in law) were at work, I cleaned and did some cooking. I loved looking after my niece. She was four when I got out and six when her parents took her to London(My brother in law got a job to work in London, he apparently works with computer networking, also can fix hardware and software to my knowledge. Right now I am not employed. I am on a pension. The so called doctor put me on it.

I don't know what the future holds. My main interest is living ethical and moral life according to my knowledge and circumstances.

Also put so called to everything above please.

[Indrajala]

Morality and clean living is the first step to stability.

If you could find a Buddhist organization where you live, you might consider meditation as a means of healing.

[Ervin]

I have dissolved any fears I might have in relation to my past. I have accepted what is, but I might say that after doing things in order to help my so called illness. Things like metaforically speaking purifying karma or whatever it is that I believe/ believed does so( I don't believe in literal Buddhist understanding of karma) I am begining to feell much better/calmer. Looking after your health by watching as much as your discipline allows you what you eat and drink, wich pharmaceuticals you take since I am being forced to take them. Facing your fears, doing good, abstaining from harming as much as you can, or as much as your discipline allows you, etc.

In the end, my understanding is of why I want to do good and abstain from harming is for the reasons of me maintaining goodness and contributing to happiness and comfort of everyone and everything and yes I have also engaged in so called just behaviour for the purposes of helping my self and others. Otherwise I believe justice is just a preaty name for revenge and revenge is not quite comforting for the sentient beings whom it is pursued against.

Thanks

[viniketa]

I have dissolved any fears I might have in relation to my past. I have accepted what is, but I might say that after doing things in order to help my so called illness. Things like metaforically speaking purifying karma or whatever it is that I believe/ believed does so( I don't believe in literal Buddhist understanding of karma)...

Your understanding of karma might not be so different from a "literal" understanding, depending on what you mean by "literal". The purification of karma is very much an "inner" task, and it sounds as if you have been hard at work on that task. Part of the task is "confessional" in nature, which involves recognizing both your expectations for and the consequences of your past actions (behavior). Another part, often less emphasized, is forgiveness of "self" and understanding that you are not the same as your actions, which allows you to truly work on abandoning expectations for action and thus "change" the nature of action. If you understand this, you have the start of a very good understanding of karma.

...I am begining to feell much better/calmer. Looking after your health by watching as much as your discipline allows you what you eat and drink, wich pharmaceuticals you take since I am being forced to take them. Facing your fears, doing good, abstaining from harming as much as you can, or as much as your discipline allows you, etc.

It seems you are beginning to "bear the karmic fruit" of your discipline. The better the discipline, the more "sweet is the fruit" (better results). This is clear evidence of a firm understanding of the Four Noble Truths about suffering and cessation.

In the end, my understanding is of why I want to do good and abstain from harming is for the reasons of me maintaining goodness and contributing to happiness and comfort of everyone and everything and yes I have also engaged in so called just behaviour for the purposes of helping my self and others. Otherwise I believe justice is just a preaty name for revenge and revenge is not quite comforting for the sentient beings whom it is pursued against.

Following the discipline of the Noble Eightfold Way does not preclude behavior that benefits "self" and "others", as long as one continues to work on "equanimity", which is recognizing that there is no basic difference between the two. As for "justice" and those who seek it "against others", I couldn't agree with you more; the motivation for this action is typically retribution and revenge. It has nothing to do with what Buddha taught.

Best wishes for continued good "fruit" from purifying karma. May your practice benefit all beings.

[Ervin]

Peace and Thanks!

[Quiet Heart]

Erwin
Here's a Japanese Zen story you might want to think about.

The Tunnel

Zenkai, the son of a samurai, journeyed to Edo and there became the retainer of a high official. He fell in love with the official's wife and was discovered. In self-defence, he slew the official. Then he ran away with the wife.

Both of them later became thieves. But the woman was so greedy that Zenkai grew disgusted. Finally, leaving her, he journeyed far away to the province of Buzen, where he became a wandering mendicant.

To atone for his past, Zenkai resolved to accomplish some good deed in his lifetime. Knowing of a dangerous road over a cliff that had caused death and injury to many persons, he resolved to cut a tunnel through the mountain there.

Begging food in the daytime, Zenkai worked at night digging his tunnel. When thirty years had gone by, the tunnel was 2,280 feet long, 20 feet high, and 30 feet wide.

Two years before the work was completed, the son of the official he had slain, who was a skillful swordsman, found Zenkai out and came to kill him in revenge.

"I will give you my life willingly," said Zenkai. "Only let me finish this work. On the day it is completed, then you may kill me."

So the son awaited the day. Several months passed and Zenkai kept digging. The son grew tired of doing nothing and began to help with the digging. After he had helped for more than a year, he came to admire Zenkai's strong will and character.

At last the tunnel was completed and the people could use it and travel safely.

"Now cut off my head," said Zenkai. "My work is done."

"How can I cut off my own teacher's head?" asked the younger man with tears in his eyes.
..........
Comment:
Do you understand who the real teacher was?
It was not Zenkai.

[Ervin]

Just a question: Why do some say that we need to confess our evil deeds and to whom do we need to confess? If you are confessing to someone who already knows, like you might say Buddha, then why does he need your confession? In dealings with people around you sometimes it feels good to clear up some things about your self, but why would the whoever it that you say you need to confess to need it in order to help you?

Thanks

[viniketa]

Just a question: Why do some say that we need to confess our evil deeds and to whom do we need to confess?

My own take on this is that we need to confess them to ourselves; drag them out of the dark corners of our minds, 'realize' them in words, and expose them to the light of day for what they are: ill-conceived, delusional actions that have had poor consequences for others and for ourselves...

[greentara]

Erwin, 'For years I worked in prison whenever I wasn't so called sick with paranoid schizophrenia that apparently started about couple of months prior to going to prison."
You sound very sincere to me. 'schizophrenia!' what 'bozo' put this label on you? It's a tough label to lug around. Obviously the family trusted you to take care of your niece, so obviously they saw you as caring and reliable. Trust your good intentions, trust yourself.

[catmoon]

Just a question: Why do some say that we need to confess our evil deeds and to whom do we need to confess? If you are confessing to someone who already knows, like you might say Buddha, then why does he need your confession? In dealings with people around you sometimes it feels good to clear up some things about your self, but why would the whoever it that you say you need to confess to need it in order to help you?

Thanks

Others will know more about this, but confession before the Sangha is a very old tradition and I believe I have read sutras laying out when and how it to to be done and to whom. Everything I have read about it was about monks.

[Ervin]

I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in the past. I have been also diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But I disagree with that second diagnosis, I know that they just diagnosed my pharmaceuticals side effects as schizoaffective.

Following is an experience that I argued is valid, true but psychiatrists say its a delusion, a sickness: I invite you to post your favourite so called delusion:

What would you as a Buddhist say to the following:

I have copied the following from a forum with the date wich is round about when it happened

by Ervin » Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:08 am

I thought I might go a bit into my last experience of God. Last time I felt strong presence/communication with God was about three to two weeks ago. It was the most beautiful experience I had in my life and at the same time the"devil/demons" where playing mind games with me it didn't bother me at all. God felt like peace, light, love, truth, gentleness, someone who wouldn't burn anyone in eternal hell. It was wonderful. It was just someone you can totally trust with everything. Just a memory of that experience is enough to make me calm, forgiving, compassionate, loving, kind, reasonable, good. It was as I could see God but I wasn't seeing things. Gods presence was felt as if he was everywhere. Thats what I felt.

Thanks

[Raksha]

That's a harsh story, but fortunately, you can help yourself, fairly easily. Firstly, completely avoid contact with harmful people and instead put yourself in the company of people who can help you (this definitely does not include men in white coats!). My advice would be to find a local Buddhist monastery and ask them if they need a hand with gardening, cleaning and so forth. In this way you can use your strength positively. As for your experience, better to forget about it, all it means is that a deity is concerned about you, most likely you had an ancestor who was extremely good and who is now looking out for you. It's an age-old fact that the body can influence the mind, so things like Tai-chi can actually sort your head out. Lastly, you can completely draw a line under the past, by going in private to a monk or Buddhist master and telling them everything...perhaps after you have worked at a monastery for a bit you will become friendly with a particular monk that you feel you can trust. Resolve never to fall back into your old ways, which only harmed you in the end, and instead promise to continue moving towards the light. You can ask the monk, the gods and Lord Buddha himself to help you on this path. After you have made this promise you should never think or talk about your past again, as if you now have a new life. In some magical way this actually works. The fact that you have a gift for caring for children shows that you are really a very good man, it's just the world that's messed up mate. So find yourself a little island of peace.
Good Luck Brother.
R.

[Ervin]

I am working now at a vegetarian/vegan buffet style restaurant as a volunteer if you dont include food and non alcoholic drinks like tea and coffee. It's byo for alcohol and you pay as you feel in a box. I started of as working 40hrs a week and now I changed to thirty hours a week. I don't want to change the hours any more.

As far as a detail of my history is concerned: I never thought soldiers actually take heavy drugs in the Australian regular Army which is where I got hooked on speed(amphetamines).But now I don't take so called illegal drugs any more.

Thanks

[Yudron]

I am working now at a vegetarian/vegan buffet style restaurant as a volunteer if you dont include food and non alcoholic drinks like tea and coffee. It's byo for alcohol and you pay as you feel in a box. I started of as working 40hrs a week and now I changed to thirty hours a week. I don't want to change the hours any more.

As far as a detail of my history is concerned: I never thought soldiers actually take heavy drugs in the Australian regular Army which is where I got hooked on speed(amphetamines).But now I don't take so called illegal drugs any more.

Thanks

Congratulations on stopping speed, it ruins lives very quickly. It's not easy to stop.