My name is Ivan, I'm 23 years old and I currently live in Oslo, Norway.
I am currently not ordained(?) as a Buddhist, as I in general is skeptical to mainstream religion. Although I'm new to Buddhist terminology I can say that I have aspired most of my life for being a so called bodhisattva, and the last two years I have gone through some of the best and hardest experiences up to date in my life. Due to the circumstances and meeting somewhat of(many) spiritual guiders throughout my life, this one on omegle chat of all places, I ended up on a vipassana retreat this year. I have undergone spiritual experiences throughout my whole life, but things started to escalate last fall. I ended up getting mdma in a glass of water in a sober setting, unintentionally, other than really in my mind. Out of this event my spiritual, emotional and academic life went into a crazy roller coaster for half a year, both when abstaining from doing it in periods as well as some months were I would do mdma three times a month, sometimes as much as ten hits in one day-night.
The thing that made me do mdma again, was the courage it gave me, to tell people I could relate to, having gone through extremes my own life, to relate and help them without being afraid I could not reach. After, I did it more and more; I understood fast that this was no altruistic action anymore and it did not bring anything else than sorrow to me and those who love me. During and after the goenka retreat, I again had managed to achieved this courage, not to a delusional MDMA super empathy goodwill-machine degree where I would become pushy, but definitely to the degree where I would never hesitate to help anyone in need. Furthermore I understood that the world around me really is nothing more than a reflection of my own mind (from my POV, at all times).
Before the retreat I saw a lot of sadness wherever I went, which is not very unusual for cities. Afterwards though, I was so full of joy and love for life, universe and everyone. And this was what kind of shocked me, because everyone else was acting in similar manner, I met a smile wherever I went. People were happy in my presence. I have discussed this with a spiritual friend, and he basically told me it was because I have a very strong chi. Whatever it is, the experience have really given me a deeper insight in what responsibility comes with higher forms of spirituality. I have done cannabis a few times after the retreat when I went to my hometown this summer, and I feel I have been gravely punished for it. Absolutely not worth doing it, but I feel addiction is one of my challenges and somehow I feel a lot motivated as I find meditative practice is the perfect counterweight. I see it in my parents also, my mother being just as much a spiritual guide for me as a mom while my father is a heroin addict. I have gotten insight in both worlds now, and I definitely see where I want to end up fulfilling my potential. I can feel I haven’t got rid of my addictive behavior, but the events last year have in many ways been a climax of a liminal phase. Now I’m an adult and as a consequence I have to take adult decisions.
I also got a strange vision in my dream one night at the retreat, almost going into hypoglycemia (I'm diabetic type-1) because my body’s need for external insulin went drastically down. In the dream(which I was both aware of bodily sensations and being equanimous to them), I was somewhere around a Buddhist temple somewhere in a mountain, with other monks wearing orange robes bowing with the head to the ground etc. I have reflected a lot upon this event/vision/dream. I am fully aware it was a dream but something within reassures me this was from a previous life. Regardless of what it is or not it, I have come to the conclusion that these kinds of experiences are not really what are of importance in the way to enlightenment. The main function it had was really putting my attention to tantric Buddhism and yogi's way of reaching enlightenment.
Today I went to the Tibetan Buddhist temple to get some information and do an hour of meditation while at it. I met the lama very briefly because there was some Rinpoche who were coming from the US to have a discourse, but I was invited to an open meditation next weekend (which I can't attend due to going to serve a vipassna course) where I can get more time to speak with the lama. However another Rinpoche is coming this weekend, Chokling Rinpoche(to be spesific) is having a two day discourse + ordination ceremony (do not know if I'm using the right words here).
I feel very strongly to attend this regardless of my personal disapproval for monetary costs for such happenings and natural skepticism. I saw this in the temple/meditation center, a lot of things for sale etc. but after some afterthought I find my skepticism to root in my own similar qualities, pretty much like every other trait I dislike with other human beings. After all I put money into a cause that I'm sure will aid more people than just myself, rather than just spontaniously spend money on something stupid.
May all be happy and enjoy life in a peacefull manner